Thanks for your concern.  My friend who was homeless is staying with me (we were able to convince my mom who has been fantastic about it).  So that is a big relief. 

I got a book for my eighteenth birthday from a friend - I Was I Teenage Fairy and I recomend it to everyone.  It scared me how the little details so accurately described my life.  I read it three times in two days and just finished reading it again.  And everytime I cry.

I have been so distracted lately, crying often for no reason or full of an empty coldness.  I am glad to leave high school, but I have a sickening feeling that after high school the things I hate aren't going to be any better.  All though my four years,  I have just wanted to pass through invisibly, without raising attention from anyone except a few close friends.  For the most part I have succeeded - a very small percentage of seniors even know my name.  But mostly I wanted to be invisible to my teachers.  Its an overwhelming fear of adults that I have... a fear I know won't go away just because I am one now (technically anyway).  I hate having to talk to my teachers, even answering simple questions like "how are you?"  Subconsiously I don't want a job because I don't want to have to talk to people. 

I guess its no wonder that I don't talk much about real problems.  I have issues talking at all.  And I wonder how I will ever survive as an adult?  I don't feel fit to handle the world and I don't want to anyway.  I hate the way being an "adult" changes people...

I had flashbacks a lot last week.  Maybe because of the stress... I dunno.  I hadn't had any in so long i though I was done with that.  But maybe you're never really done.  The book triggered more, and in Creative Writing we read a passage from I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.  If you've read it, you know the one.  I think it was the world reminding me about things in childhood that are not always so pleasant as I nostalgicly regress in fond memories. And I have been so overwhelmed with family and friends' tragidies lately my grades have dropped dramatically.  Eh, I'll graduate even if I fail everything, but i still can't help but feel as though everything is falling apart.

I know this entry was a bit on the dark side, but I am over all optimistic.  Maybe if the sun came out ever I would be more cheerful.  Take care everyone, Blessed Be.

Aimee 

There is a place outside fear, and weakness.  A place where everything just falls away.
I am still looking for that place.  But I feel that I can see it now.  And right now, that is enough.

And I feel the surge of anarchy in me - the wild part, the natual part.
Freedom.
Love.
Happiness
It does exist. 

"You are free when you finally realize that you have a choice"

I have a choice.  remember Spider Man 2?  "I have a choice.." those words always stuck.  I laugh at them while I empathize with them.  I hate them because I don't believe them and I love them because I want to.  I have a choice. 
I complain because people don't help each other.  I can't change that
But I have a choice.  I can help people. 
I guess we all can do better in that respect.

"I guess sometimes there just aren't enough rocks"
Emotional tides continually sway me back and forth.  A friend thinks I am bi-polar.  I do not.  I have read the symtoms and they don't really fit.  I always know why I am upset - in some way - and it never happens suddenly or instantaneously.  Maybe depression?  I dunno.  They could probably diagnose me with something but I don't care to know.  I can function and that is enough for me.  I guess I am too proud for pills.

"If you want a revolution, you gotta make a difference on your own"
That applies to personal revolutions too.  I have to remind myself this when I make judging remarks about those in power.  We have power, the power of change. It's part of what makes us human beings.  What would you do to change the world?
Take part in a sit in
                  A protest
            A rally
A blood drive
Donate
         food
                 clothes
                    love and care
         time
Stand when everyone else sits, Speak when all others are silent
Raise children... wonderful beautiful children
Learn... learn from the past
Deny the material joys of this lifetime
This is for me, to remind me.  Because I forget.  Because I am selfish too.  Because I need to know and to remember.  Because, although I am no leader, I know at least I am not a follower. 

But really I want to know.  I want to know everything.  I want to know everyone.  I think if i knew everyone as well as I know myself or my boyfriend, I would know everything.  People are fasinating, clockworks of complications.  I might think I know more then they... but I am wrong.  Even the "cheerleader" the "jock" the "slut" the "brain" have a complicated story, a lifetime of knowledge and experiences. 

Randomness... thoughts... I don't know what i am thinking anymore

Maybe I'll reach that place... when I finally get to tomorrow. 

Love, joy, peace, Blessed Be ye Goddesses