Let me tell you a bit about my night.  It started with me and my mother getting into yet another of our arguments (initiated by me and encouraged by me, yes I'm blaming myself for everything, get over it) involving subway sandwhiches and quessadillas.  It was stupid and petty and not worth mentioning.  But we were both pretty sore over it when we sat down for dinner, during which time I proceeded to insult her on her cooking, her disposition, her way of speaking, and just about everything else I could think of.  She burst into tears and left the room....and the only thought going through my head was

...Whatever.

And that's when I realized just how much I'd changed.  I mean even a couple weeks ago I would've felt at least moderately guilty, and this incident didn't invoke...anything in me.  I realized this was partly due to the fact that she'd done the same thing to me numerous times, but still, she probably felt at least marginally guilty afterwards. Even though my mom has done way worse to me then petty insults, but still...

And then I realized just how heartless I'd become.  I began to wonder if this is how Hitler had started out, and I began to contemplate suicide again.  And then I realized that I couldn't because I'd signed a contract, but really, who cares?  What are they gonna do to me if I break it?  Kill me?  Cremate me in a tub of tuna and invite a bunch of nuns to my funeral to 'tsk' at me for revenge?  Not likely.

But still, I'm too cowardly.  I can't do it the conventional way, and I needed some time to think.  So I grabbed my sneakers, told my mom good-bye and sorry, and left.  I walked down to Toyon Park, singing some stupid song and trying to keep from crying, and swung on the swings a bit to remind myself of what I used to be and what I could've become.  And 'bout 15 minutes later my mom showed up and yelled at me to get in the car so she could take me to some psychiactric hospital...but it would be fruitless, I already knew that.  There's no cure for me.  And my mom starts getting frantic and yelling because I'm STEALING these years for her and I long to shout..."IM STEALING THESE YEARS FROM *US*?  This is MY childhood, Ive waited my whole life for highschool and everything that comes with it, and I dont have any of it.  I have no friends, my grades...I cant even HOPE to improve, its too late, and Ill be stuck with a mediocre job at Mc Donalds...and the ONLY reason my mom came for me was because Id borrowed her coat.  Maybe it was more then that, maybe it wasnt.  It doesn't matter.

Tomorrow thigns will go back to normal and Ill go to school and wish I was somewhere else.  Then Ill come home and wish the same.  Possibly Ill wallow in my own self-pity for awhile and start crying, and the cycle will repeat itself again and again.  Maybe even for the rest of my life.  I dont really know.  I dont really care.

All I want is to live again, to laugh, and love, and mean it.  To joke around with abandon and not fall asleep in class and lie up awake crying during the night and spend lunch either at the cafeteria or at the health room not talking...no matter who Im with. 

And every time I think Ive made improvement, or Im coming back out of my shell, I just get pushed in again.  And Im afraid to tell anyone, or confide in anyone, because I'm afraid it'll ruin my relationship with them.  And while I don't really have a relationship with anyone, I cant stand to lose any more then I already have.  Once you've hit rock bottom, you can still cause an avalanche.

I dont want pity, and I dont want consolement only to be ignored two days later.  I want a friendship, even if I know I don't deserve one.  Even if I've turned into such a heartless bitch without an empathetic bone in her body, I want to change.  I want to love....but...how?

I dont even know what to say...

Or how to say it.

I'm sorry I've ruined myself. 

Bye.

I've been wanting to blog here for awhile..but every time I try I can't seem to put into words how I feel.  I'm debating whether to make this public, protected, or private.  To hell with it....after all I'm supposedly reformed, right?  What you see is what you get..I'm through with gossip..or as through with gossip as an imperfect fourteen year old can get...which isn't so through..but anyway...

I've always said that I don't care what other people think of me...but that's not entirely true.  Everyone cares what people think of them..whether its their parents or their teachers or their friends.....and I'm no different.  So in order to remedy that I plan on making all these posts public.  If you're offended well...then thats tough.  Don't read it.  But just so you know..I'm trying to keep the slander to a minimum...

I feel really...bland right now.  Not particularly content and not exactly depressed either.  This week has certainly been a roller coaster of emotions....awkwardness, guilt, nostalgia, and elation all rolled into one.  But now its all over..Maria's delivered the final verdict and I don't have to feel like a total bitch anymore...just half of one ^_^  Naw, I'm fine now..so long as he is.

Speaking of guys I think I'm back to my old cynical self...that fleeting thing I thought might be a crush...wasn't one.  Just gas...haha not really.  More like mistaking a longing for friendship for something else...and I'm glad.  Cuz as a lot of you already know...I'm not really into the whole dating scene shit at this point..I still feel too immature for that sort of thing.  But yeah...I saw him differently then other people did...a potential friend..and that was something I *really* needed...it's something I still do need.  But he's not that friend because...well....he doesn't want to be.  And that's O.K....plenty of other clownfish in the coral and all that...

I cried today!  I feel so accomplished...just cuz its been ages since I cried.  First I watched Beauty and the Beast (because I was REALLLLY bored) and remembered how much I love that movie..its the only "romance" Disney movie I don't gag and scoff at.  And THEN I watched the fox and the hound....its so sad when the grandma chick drops tod off into the forest...and then when Copper saves his life *sniff*

Anyway my life is improving..not that it was ever really *bad*..just not all that good.  I have "friends"....sort of.  My parents aren't out to get me anymore and while my grades are steadily declining..I don't care much anymore.  If there was just someone out there for me...but there has to be.  What is human companionship anyway?  Why do we all strive for it?  I mean I was thinking of going to a movie today but then realizing i dont have anyone to invite.  And then I thought "Why not just go alone?  What's the difference..you're in a dark theater for two hours...it's not like you're going to talk"....but it's just not the same without sharing the experience with someone.  And then I realized that human companionship is what makes life interesting.  Talking to myself would be boring because I already know what I would say....I already know my own opinions and I already know my own jokes.  Talking to someone else introduces me to a whole new life...new viewpoints and ideas and etc.  End corny rant.

Yeah....anyway I'm feeling pretty mellow.  I should probably sleep...or go comfort Hazey.  She's still shook up about the storm.

Night!

 take highway 91 west to anaheim, exit "brookhurst ST", turn left (south) onto Brookhurst street.  Continue one mile to sequoia Avenue, the first traffic light after the 1-5 overpass.  Turn righ onto Sequoia Avenue.  Take the first driveway on the left and find parking.  The theatre is in the middle of the complex

those are the directions to fairmont just incase ur curious....

.... I love this avatar.

Will tell more later...sleepie gotta go bai!

Whos da dipshit now?

Forgot to make this protected *sheepish*

For some reason I keep thinking of old memories....mostly seventh grade...times when I was still such a petty bitch and yet strangely everything was so much easier....and I was so much happier. 

The Slambook...I keep remembering everything about it..I keep thinking of memories that wont come to me now but I was thinking about them earlier.  I remember having an umbrella war with Anna..and I remember all the fuss about "Kyle" who was made up as a distraction from the "Q" nonsense.  I remember the "Q" nonsense..and Sameens idiotic crush on Antony...I remember calling her and talking for five hours and watching Jerry Springer and making fun of the people on it...I remember all our stupid little inside jokes and the fact that we always hung out together (the nine of us).  I remember how touched I was when Sameen invited me to that ice skating pizza thing when it was only five of us...but I was so happy because I hadnt had any friends for my entire life..I barely ever got invited to anything.  I remember all the Disneyland trips was Maisie/Mel/etc. And colorguard..I remember "Purple Armadillos" and hanging out with Beth at competitions..we both changed so much..our friendship is practically impossible now.  I keep remembering feeling like the shit with my parents didnt matter because I had friends to turn to..and I felt like I was part of a family.  It probably meant more to me then it did to anyone else because I felt loved (not in that way pervs)...and because Id never felt loved before by anyone...eighth grade was bad..very bad...but it had its good moments.  I remember the Coyote Bucks and the Kathy Pimp Walrus and all those times in PE with Hannah..the badger dance and the "I Wanna Have Sex With Myself" song..Valigram=Viagra etc.  JCTJ..MESS.  All those perverted things about Jane and Michael...Michael Duong wears a thong whips it round Jane all night long. 

And now the shit with my parents has gotten much much worse..they keep threatening divorce but they wont suck it up and DO IT already so im still stuck in this hellhole.  Kiki hasnt called me in ages, Im starting to think shes mad at me or something...and school is utterly shitty.  I go to school and hang out with Chloe and Heather and Michelle..and dont get me wrong..theyre good friends...but it will never be like it used to.  Not because were older, but because they all have social lives...with the exception of Heather but that girl can get *EXTREMELY* irritating at times (not that I cant...).  We talk, we laugh, but its not the same togetherness as when I was younger...we only sit together because theres no one else..and I feel like an outsider sometimes with Chloe and Michelle..which usually results in Heather breathing down my back and making me want to impale myself with a rabid swordfish.

My parents..they dont love me...my friends..theyve deserted me...my dog prefers my uncle who shes known one flipping night to me..and I can already tell my teachers find me irritating...

There isnt a single person in this world I can trust..there isnt a single person in this world I love..or who loves me.  Its been like this since the middle of eigth grade and I kept telling myself not to care..even though I did anyway..because things would get better when we got to Canyon and I could focus on memories until then...

But memories only last for so long.  Ive forgotten how to be myself now...because Im out of practice.  I barely speak anymore...well I speak..but its rarely ME talking.  I cry myself to sleep almost every night because Im sick of being hurt and alone.  Gods I usually hate those melodramatic teenagers "oh boo hoo i got in a fight with my boyfriend and now Im so tragically alone even though Im surrounded by friends"...and I might not be complaining so much if there was just one person who considered me close..heck I was sitting next to Melody in science while a bunch of people insulted me and she just NODDED.  But she was never my friend to begin with...not really...

And I almost want to die......but Im not going to kill myself.  Im not stupid.  I just think eternal sleep might be...almost nice...away from everyone.  Living is better and all that but.....not really.  For me the people you share your life with is what makes it so great.  If you have nobody in your life, not even a flipping parent, then what the hell are you living for?  I hate myself so much sometimes..its not like Im living for me. 

I just....want to be happy again...

But Ive forgotten how...