Earlier this week Geico posed me a question in letter form that has kept me thinking these past few day:

"How can you save $500 a year on your car insurance?"

After many days thought, I have come up with a few possible answers to hopefully answer it.

Possibility 1: Stop paying my insurance.  This is so easy that it's amazing that more people don't just do it.  This would actually net me a bit more than $1400 savings a year, so and would require no effort on my part.  There could be consequences, but thats outside the scope of the question.

Possibility 2: Through effort to improve my credit rating, keep my driving record clean, and long term "just doing things right" get the total cost of my policy down eventually.  This is the most realistic, and thus most boring.

Possibility 3: Mount an uprising against the current political, and societal structures placing myself at the top of the new world order ushering in an age of untold peace, tranquility, and dirt cheap car insurance.  Really, this third possibility is already in motion, but I can't divulge to many of the details.

I seem to be in a zone of some sort.  Nothing is really bothering me as much lately.  It may have something to do with the fact that I've taken the time to treat myself out of my last pay check, or that I'm just learning to accept things for what they are, or maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep.

My brother is in for surgery again.  The last few times in the past year or so have been pretty minor, so this being one of those possibly lose a limb visits is kind of a big thing.  I haven't been shy about the fact that I think he's been a dumbass with the not keeping better care of himself, so that may explain why I'm not freaking out about his serious problems.  Could be an unshakable universal calm, could be the Taco Bell.

My mom is juggling this, along with providing a safety net for practically everyone in the Casper area, and I think it's wearing her down.  She takes care of my youngest sisters child, my brother will soon be moving back in with her since he won't be able to work for a while and has dug himself an epic hole, my brothers fiance(?) has her running to Walmart all hours of the night, and for some reason she decided to get involved in CASA.  I feel like I should step in and calm some people the fuck down, but all I can think of doing is punching some faces, and for some reason, that really doesn't seem appropriate, or worth the inevitable consequences.

Not so Zen now I guess.  Meh.  A few hours of MGSO, when the server goes live will get me feeling good and numb to violence.  Rigth now, with everything going on, and there is a bit more that I won't detail here (guys gotta keep some secrets), thats the thing thats foremost in my mind.  When will the Beta go live, and will it kick ass?  Even if it doesn't, I've got GTA4 coming on Tuesday, so I can blame the ultra-violence that will come from my resulting cool withdraw on that.  GTA made me do it.  Speaking of that, I'm hoping to get an update of my site up for the game.  I can't promise though, since I may need to compete in laziness with someone.  Lol.

Just a quick one before I go off to bed, and hopefully not wake up mostly dead.

Right before turning the TV off tonight, I for some reason stopped  channel surfing on VH1.  It was an accident, but thats not the point.  The point is that the show that was starting was an expose on sexual embarrassment in rap videos.  What?  Rappers mistreat there women?  There music has led me to believe they are saints!!!  Okay, but I digress... There was one person featured at the beginning of the show that  put together almost a solid 30 seconds of  intelligent sounding words together about how awful the whole industry is.  The whole thing was blown straight out of the water for me though because of how she was dressed.  She wasn't full blown skank, she just happened to be wearing a t-shirt that pretty clearly said "Squeeze me".

What.  The.  Fuck?  I wish I could say I woke up in crazy world, and the radiation from some passing asteroid has warped the human brain enough that there is some reason for this kind of idiocy, but I haven't.  People are just that fucking stupid.  What kind of brain dead moron wakes up for there shoot to "uncover" the lascivious, and misogynistic nature of rap culture and the music video industry, and consciously decides to pick a shirt that labels them as nothing more than a sexual item?  For that matter, what kind of idiot does it take going into said industry to be featured in the next video for The Notorious Big Fatty-Pac, not realizing that women are treated in such a way.  This isn't the holocaust ladies.  People aren't sticking machine guns to your back, and telling you to get in the showers.  It is a choice.  An honestly really bad choice that only the dumbest, most desperate, or just plain already seriously fucked up woman would make.  Making that choice, and then complaining that you didn't know things would work out this way is just retarded.  No, I take that back.  Retards(sorry if that offends(oh, and I don't care if any of my other previous statements offend, because I hate stupid people, and I really don't think retarded people are stupid)), generally have a better sense of self preservation than what this would allow for.

Wearing a shirt, or pants for that matter that say "Squeeze me", or "Flirt", or whatever the currently popular whorish self abusing statement dujour is, and then complaining about the attention that it illicit is moronic.  If you wear nothing but a thong in a rap video, and you get yourself propositioned by someone there,  or wear a pair of pants that say "Easy access", and have a brain dead loser ask you for some sexual act, remember that you have a fair amount of responsibility in the matter.  Look towards changing your own brain dead behavior before you look to others.  If there are any idiots out there that happen to come across this blog, and decide to post hate mail (probably not a problem given my fairly limited group of readers, but hey, you never know) think about this for a while: If someonre went to a prison filled to the walls with killers, rapists, and just generally truly bad people with little to no redeeming qualities, and just beat on a whole group of them with a broom stick endlessly, would you say that the person who beat them was not responsible for getting killed by these people (or hurt very badly), or would you say that there were clear indicators of what would most likely happen and the person chose to ignore them.  Thats an extreme example, but  it all boils down to the same things.  Intelligence, and survival instinct.  Now matter how stupid any given person acts, we all have it in varying degrees, so why not use it.

Oh, and guys need to ease up off the whole sex pump thing.  I won't go any further than that, since I'm sure that a .023459 second search on Google will turn up plenty of reading, plus it would come off as a little bit disingenuous after ranting like I just did.

For a long time, I had a really hard time believing that I wasn't flat out fell from the top of the tree ugly.  It took years of introspection, a few completely hetero compliments, a serious relationship, and even the unwanted homosexual advances (not that that is a bad thing, it's just not how I roll).  Anyway, after years, I've excepted that I might have something that would attract someone, even if I'm not chiseled, and constantly glittering in baby oil.

To the point now, my self confidence in this department is faltering, and it's not because I'm unsuccessful.  No it has more to do with genetics.  Recently, the relatively quite period with my psoriasis has ended, and now it is progressing to be worse than I can remember it being.  When I was little, and it was "bad", it was limited to my elbows, knees, and ears.  The spots on my joints never cleared up, but my ears did, and the effected patches shrunk, and became more mild.  Now, my joints are covered as bad as ever, with spots on my hands that make me look like I've perpetually been in a lot of fist fights, spots up and down my arms, and areas where I still have a bit of hair, and eyebrows.  Now on top of that, whole sections of my face have begun flaking.  That scares the crap out of me.  If plaques start building up, more than half my face will be affected.  I feel like crap, because of how shallow this fear is, but be honest: when you see a burn victim out in public, do you honestly feel like you could normally interact with that person at first glance, or is your first response more like feeling sorry for that person, or just flat out revulsion.

All this came boiling to the surface when an attractive checker at Target flirted(?) with me.  I'll just assume the unprovoked smile, and look of her eyes was that.  After coming home from there, I went and saw myself in the mirror, and saw the flakes that had started around my mouth, and around my eyes.  I freaked out, and scrubbed for a good half hour, until my face was raw.  Pretty girls have a way of helping me freak out.

So there it is, my current big fear laid out.  Painfully stupid compared to people that have to deal with a truly debilitating disease, but thats what is keeping me from sleeping right now.

I gave myself a few hours to calm down before starting this rant, but I don't know that I'm any calmer.  Maybe I'm just a little sensitive, and it's no big deal.  Maybe I'm over reacting.  Maybe the fucking gas stations are fucking crocks of shit that need to be ignited in a way that only Quentin Tarantino can make seem not cool.  Fucking used twice in one sentence.  Yes this is me calmed fucking down.  Now that I think of it, I've let this get under my skin and put a black spot on far to much of an otherwise acceptable day. 

Here's what happened.  When I got off work, I had one thing to attend to.  Put gas in the car, and the rest of the night was mine.  All mine.  I'd play a bit of Rock Band, watch a little more of my Nauto Uncut box set (not quite the same as the fansub experience from years back, but still good).  Add in a pizza, and a soda, and I could ignore the nagging thought that I needed to be "out doing something".  Instead I spent about two hours going from gas station to gas station trying to find one that would let me use my debit card.  I have developed a distaste for carrying actual money.  For this flaw, I am tempering my rage at the gas service (whatever it's called) industry.  After about an hour or so, and 5 different stations telling me I had no money for them, I started to develop a cold lump in the pit of my stomach.
Recently, I've fallen into a bit of a cash crunch due to old credit card problems I thought I had sorted out years ago.  For the last two months, I've forsaken my usual huge play money budget to get the debt paid down.  After having so many stations turn my card down, I started to fear that my account had been frozen.  Cue Khans death scene monologue from Star Trek 2.  I was about to vow bloody retribution.  I was doing my part, who were they to fuck me?  So I go home.  I log into my back account.  $69.  Hmm, less than I though, but by my math, more than enough to get $10 of gas.  Fuckers.  They won't let me pump gas because I don't have enough in my account to fill up a mother fucking god damn Hummer?  Fine.  I went about collecting coin from the couch, a change jar, my desk, and subspace to come up with $5 to get me by till payday.  Go down, pump gas, go get dinner, and shit, it's 7 o'clock already.  I get my time wasted for a living, so having my private time taken like this is enough to drive me into another rage just like this.  Keen.

Demons exercised, feeling better now.  Still wishing for the instant annihilation of all fossil fuels on the planet, but I can deal with it now.  I'll just go spit on a Hummer, son of Hummer (H2), or Jesus Christ Hummer you got your sister pregnant (H3).  Maybe I'll shit on one just to build up a nice cushion of the next rage attack.  Life isn't so bad when you've got options.  My immediate option: looking into getting my car set for flex fuel running.  Move to E85, ease my conscious about the ecosystem until which point I can afford to go and get that elctric car, and a Kw worth of  solar panels.

Finally, making an addition to my computer under the pretense of expanding my horizons, and improving my blah blah blah.  Basically trying to build job netting skills through play.  The upgrade will be a video capture card.  Unfortunately, this is one piece of hardware I am a bit ignorant about.  I'm looking at either Hauppage or ATI as the brands.  The only other thing I know is that it has to be able to receive HD broadcasts.  Initially, I'll be using it to capture video from various video games for video reviews to post on my website, but down the road, I'd like to use it for purposes as a PVR.  Dual tuners would be nice, but aren't strictly unnecessary.  If anyone has experience, or opinions on which way to go, I'd appreciate hearing.

Another banner year has come to an end, and it's time to herald in impossible goals, unreasonable guilt, and unending self deprecation.  45 minutes into the new year, and I'm not loving it already.  A single bear wasn't enough to prepare myself.  Maybe I'm just worn down after last year.
... '07 in review:

The year started out with the realization that there was no escaping my newly reinforced "responsibility" as an uncle.  One birth on December 30 '06 from my youngest sister, than another from my older sister in March... or was it April?  Shit does it matter?  My family is working on a fucking monopoly on every month.  Made the joke not long ago that most of the kids are going to grow up calling me "Uncle Daddy", and enough people decided it was funny enough to try and make it stick.  Fuck.

Since so much of my life is tied up in gaming, I have to include the fact that I got both the PS3, and the Wii this year.  They aren't as fulfilling as I wish, but more on that later.  I've spent a stupid amount on gaming this year, but aside from the console prices, a very subdued amount in comparison to previous years.  Thank god for cheap downloadable games, and clearance aisle bargains.

Transportation wise, the year had been pretty shitty to me, but theoretically ended on a high note.  In May my car dropped it's transmission, and I was broke.  Thank god I bought a scooter the previous Fall.  That got me through till about mid September or so until someone sugared it's tank, destroying it.  For about a week and a half, I hoofed it, and rode the bus.  For someone who's back refuses to give them peace, I don't recomend that.  For a while I ended up driving my moms truck, than in the beginning of October, I got a busted up 88 Ford Ranger.  It made me like trucks.  It also made me want to open my wrists.  From the first week of October, till the End of November or so I sank a constant stream of money into it keeping it running, and marginally road safe.  All up till the point that it cracke one or more pistons.$1000+ into a $200 truck.  Ouch.  At least the stupid fucker worked for a while.  Into December, I finally may have scored a vehicle that will last for more than a couple of years.  My older sisters got me in touch with one of her friends selling a '99 Grand Am in nearly pristine condition for $2000.  Now I'm in debt, but I've got a nice car for the first time in my life.

This year I've managed to keep the number of times I've very nearly walked out of my job down to less than 5 times I think.  It's hard to keep track, but either I'm getting a thicker skin for dealing with fucktards, or my soul is nearly entirely crushed.  If I make it another year, I may as well stay for the rest of my life, long a that is since I'll be able to put up with anything.

This year is the first time I've ever thought about suicide.  Not actually committing, just wondering what it would be like to try.  It's been a dark time, and I've been so afraid to talk about it, worried what my friends would think that I just kept it bottled up.  That was obviously a mistake, but I still don't know who to talk about it with.  I get on so many peoples nerves with the way I'm not as positive as they want, so I'm not sure any meaningful dialogue could take place before any of them wanted to be somewhere else.  That, and I don't want to be a pity case.  I feel like I was one for to long already.  Whether or no that is true, I don't know for sure.

The biggest event for me this year, without a doubt was getting dumped.  I always hated weepy guys in movies.  The ones that couldn't let go, months or years after a relationship ended.  Well, that was me from July to whenever.  Here I was saving money, the best I could to get Elysia a decent proposal ring, ready to get on bending knee, and we have a fight on her birthday, and she dumps me.  Looking back, it was a long time coming, I just couldn't see the signs.  Ended up crying myself to sleep for a couple weeks solid.  It only got worse for the next couple of months, first living together as roommates till the lease was up, than having her move out on me when it was.  She promised me we would still be good friends, and she would stay in touch.  I've seen her a total of three times since she moved out.  Each time was for her to pick up her mail.  After less than a month, I found out she was already involved with somebody else.  No wonder.  Didn't take very long, especially when you take into account the cloak and dagger nature around the beginning of our relationship as a couple, and how it was two or three months after she broke up with her previous boyfriend before I could ask her out to dinner.  She cared about him enough to be careful with his heart, and she openly bad mouthed him towards the end of their relationship, so what was I to her?  A friend maybe, until the end, but not a committed, loved counterpart.  One of my friends who helped me through the first couple weeks told me not to tell myself that she never loved me because it would just cheapen the whole thing, but I am honestly to angry to not see it that way.  She was to nice to just say no to my initial approaches, and because of that, I spent three years of my life becoming attached to someone that didn't love me as anything more than one of her countless friends believing that I had found my one true.  God I am still so angry about it.  She texted me out of the blue not long ago talking about how we should hang out one night, and I replied with a message pretending I meant to send a note to someone else stating how fucked up it was that she wanted to hang out when it was convenient for her.  I regret sending that message, but the anger is still there.  Why say we would be friends, then ignore me for 3 months? 

God, I've just spent 45 minutes ranting mostly about a breakup.  A lot of that was typing out far uglier statements of personal betrayal, deleting them, and retyping them, then deleting them again.  God.  Not a good beginning to the year.  This year, I just want to feel a little less pain, learn how to get a date.  Seriously.  I'm tired of getting turned down, I'm tired of sidelong glances of people that think I'm a fucking freak, and I'm tired of not having a fucking clue about things that other people got a rudimentary understanding of when they were in there teens.
Fucking god damn.

Finally got to see my first big concert at the tender age of 29.  It's all about pacing... lol.
Glad that I spent the money when I couldn't afford it.  The experience was worth it.  At first i was taken back by the relatively small size of the stage, but once the show started, that concern was gone, and I was only about the performance.  Julien K opened, and although they weren't my favorite band of the night, their act was so polished, it was hard not to like them.  Sick Puppies was second, and althought their act had less energy, they had much more crowd interaction.  It was cool to finally see some real crowd surfing.  I really liked their sound too, so I'm going to track down the cd.

The big act of the night was Evanescence.  I had concerns since I've heard they had a weak live show, and had the habit of cutting their set short, but the whole thing was awesome.  I'm a bigger fan of their first big CD, so I was glad to here just as many songs from that one as the new one.  If they ever come this general way again, I'll definitely try and make the how.

Next I've got to see some Linkin Park.

Day off suckers.  I'm not working, and you probably are.  Okay, big deal, I know.

Anyway, yesterday I was gripped by a fairly ridiculous, and unexplainable flash of rage.  Maybe rage is to strong of word.  Judge for yourself.  I was at work, walking back to the daily prison called my cube, and I passed by a previous supervisor.  He was sitting with someone at the time, and didn't even notice my passing.  The moment I was within reaching distance of him, the almost irresistible urge to just punch him in the back of the head as hard as I could came at me.  It would have been awesomely satisfying.  The strange part, and more than a bit unsettling is that although the guy is a huge dick, he hasn't done anything to me to inspire this kind of anger.  He's artificial, flaky, tried to get me to quit because he didn't want me on his team has blocked the promotion of a few friends at work for no good reason, but these are the day to day things a lot of people deal with.  I've had issues with anger in the past, and have been in the grip of very strong rages, but all of them in the past have come from direct physical, or emotional attacks on myself.  I have far more self control than I used to though, so I have no fear of acting on this strange impulse,but I'm still all  weirded out by it.