for as much as i hate the rest of my family... i really do adore my brothers.
these are from december.. but i was looking through the pictures on my computer and found them. so i have to post them haha. yes, we are adorable.

there are several of equal standing...

1. life sucks. thinking this does not make you a cynic. everything really does suck.
2.the movie is never as good as the book.
3.fortune cookies give better advice than people.  this is not because fortune cookie makers are incredibly wise.. it's because other people are dishonest and self absorbed.
4.when the package says put it in the oven for 10 minutes at 425 degrees, it is for the good of everyone that you put it in for 10 minutes at 425 degrees.
i would also like to add: it IS possible to burn spaghetti and soup.
5.stopping for drunk strangers waving their arms is not a good idea.
6. always look behind you when backing your car up.
7.  a. rabbit + direct sunlight = bad.
     b. fish + very cold =
     c.cat + hamster in hamster ball + stairs = imminent doom.
(my old house had a high mortality rate.)
8. if the other children are mean to you, appeal to their greedy nature with candy and pokemon erasers.
9. AP studio art ≠ easy
10. and whatever you do, don't EVER feed him after midnight.  

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

i've come to think, in the last 37 minutes of pretending to be asleep that last night was foreshadowing.
my dad giving me twenty dollars and telling me to get out of here for the day... more needed even than i previously suspected

i was awoken this morning by the sound of screaming, hoisted involuntarily from my AP-week-induced coma... as i heard sheer terror running up the stairs followed closely by reckless anger.

and so i buried my face in the covers and pretended to still be asleep. even after i found out that i was not the object of my mother's rage, which spreads like wildfire from one person to the next. it's perfectly true. she yelled at everyone who was awake throughout this little episode. and pretending to be asleep is easier than dealing with someone who has the temperament of an angry rhinocerous.

and it was quite an experience... just listening to them like that, with a certain detachment... i felt like i was some random observer, a spy, peering through the dirtiest window i could find into this house at these broken people. because these things are secret. no one knows that these things go on here except the people i tell.
michael and ryan don't know it's wrong, and though it's likely my stepfather would normally grumble about things like this to people at the office, i doubt he'd talk to anyone who might say anything that might get back to my mother.
but i was like a blind observer, so all i could hear were their tones of voice... which was enough.

michael had misplaced part of his boyscout uniform and he had some kind of little troop meeting. (he's gone now, it started at 8. and i don't hear anything, so i'm not sure if they all left, or just some of them..) and my mother was excessively angry.

her anger was taken to such a level that michael was whimpering in fear and she was just endlessly, angrily driving her message into his little skull. which was "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT"

and whenever something is someone else's fault... because it always  has to be... she can't simply stay on the track she's on and yell about that one thing even. she rants and raves like a lunatic. and this place is a locked insane asylum with no men in white coats to restrain anyone. there is no voice of reason and no escape.
"you're all just a bunch of stupid fuckers! no one helps me with anything! i don't want a fucking mother's day present from you. all i want is for you to fucking do something around here and act like you love me!"
and my other brother, who is four, said in the most heartbreakingly innocent voice ever,
"i love you."  .... to which she said nothing.
you would have had to have heard it to know why it broke my heart so much.. it was almost indignant... and the way he asserted himself against an absolute monster just to say how he really feels? well he's four. that might break anyone's heart.
or maybe i simply felt that way because that's how i always used to feel when she'd accuse me of not loving her.
i don't think she would say it anymore now because there's a 90% chance she's right most of the time.
i'm not saying i've never felt a pang of daughterly affection for her every now and again... but those come about as often as leap years.

it's hard to love someone who blames all of her problems on her children, her husband, everyone but herself. if you're 41 and this unhappy, some of it has to be your own fucking fault.

i almost hope she stumbles upon my blog after i go away to college. and finds me by typing something absurd into google like everyone else does.

i don't need sympathy right now though. or pity or.. anything like that. i could use affection, but i'm not holding my breath.

this is something i did in the last ten minutes.
because i was struck with an idea inspired by my own insanity.
...that and the fact that waiting and wondering do not suit me.
anyway. it's no masterpiece, but it's not bad for a little ten minute activity.

the lunatic in madness waits,
but presently dissociates...
and falls into a fit
that only anger could create.
and in a state of rage,
she glowers
and soon her disposition sours
thinking of time,
and bound by hours
she begs the clock
to chime
and hangs
from rafters only by
a single tie
(to life.)
in innocence,
she half-beguiles
those at whom
she insanely smiles
but watching close,
it's noted that
she grins just like
the cheshire cat
and laughs away
and spins around
in circles
searching for
the ground
and answers
to the answers
she had previously found.
still expecting,
all in vain,
the sunny skies
to summon rain
to fall and
somehow
make her sane.

due to my pessimistic nature, i often find myself completely dreading things. or maybe even just at the beginning of a long, long, long task that i think i cannot even fathom getting accomplished.
and then... after that thing is over... i just can't even believe it. and i sometimes don't even remember doing the thing and have no idea how i got to point B. it's like i vanish for hours that would be suffering and materialize on the other side. somehow. and even with little things... i sit and wonder how the hell did i get here? it's a confusion-amusement hybrid i have that comes and goes in little waves.
like even at this point in my life, i think of all the little things that have happened to me and it's like.. really? that happened to me?
for the longest time (at least all through high school, possibly extending back to middle school) i've had some insane thought that goes something like... what if i just dreamed the world up? what if none of this exists?
especially when things go the way i want them to. in this state of wonderment i imagine myself as some kind of amazingly intelligent  all-knowing cessile creature who sits around all day, does nothing but think, and just dreamed up this whole world. (because really, sometimes the world beyond our own perceptions doesn't even exist.. i know i can forget at least temporarily about everything but what's going on in front of me or in my head.) and then i praise my all-knowing cessile creature self for creating the little "world" which is really just a simulation or a dream or a game of the Sims.

well anyway, that was just a huge tangent. i was just thinking about all of the things that are going to happen in the next month. and how i'm not ever going to be in this exact spot in my life again... and how afterwards i'm going to just not think about everything that seems so important and threatening and stressful and exciting to me now. AP exams? they'll come and go. and i will forget about them, like i do everything else. but after i'm all done, i'm sure i'll wonder how i got through it.
or maybe things like that are just taking pride in your accomplishments... like stepping back and going "wow! i did that! it's over! go me!" except that's not what i do... i just wonder how it happened.
same thing with graduation. it'll just go completely over my head and i probably won't be able to call up the feeling of being handed the diploma at will.
if i know myself at all, i'll probably come back to the point of utter disbelief the night before the graduation ceremony.

anyway. sorry for the really weird rant. i'm over-tired and stressed*.. and i might have gone crazy a little.. but i promise i don't take drugs. haha.

*i have so unbelievably much shit to do it's insane. and let's not forget that i have no actual study halls.
since i had to take the AP spanish exam tuesday, which lasted all day, i missed the lab portion of my chemistry test.  half of an in-class final exam for AP psych, and the introduction to the new project in commercial art.
so today... i had to stay for tenth hour (which is when i'm supposed to go home) oh and let's not forget the huge chemistry assignment i forgot about and had to do after school today. but i'm still getting docked 10% for it.
well anyway. i didn't get the lab portion done today so i have to do it tomorrow afternoon after my AP english exam which is supposed to go from about 8-12. because of this i will be missing a modern lit test that i'll have to make up.. god knows when. and i also have to find time to mat my last quality piece for my AP studio art portfolio which i have to assemble friday at noon. (which.. in reality shouldn't be that hard, seeing as i've done all the work (another thing i can't believe!) but until it's over, it's a stressor.) and if i missed anything, please kill me, because that means i've probably forgotten about it.

gahhh. i am an absolute beast right now.

today was completely asinine. on the AP exam guide thing it said my spanish exam would take about 3 hours. so.. plus the ten minute break and some spare time.. it would last until about 11:30.. since we started at 8:00.
wrong. wrong-o, keebler. i got out at 2:14. because the idiots administering the test had no fucking clue what they were doing.

they split us into groups that were much much too small to go and take the oral exam, which was supposed to take 20 minutes. so although they could have had 10, maybe 12 people in the computer labs at a time... they had like 5 people in at a time. and they didn't figure this out until it was my group's turn.

which BY THE WAY, i had to start twice. because they didn't read the instructions properly and i pushed stop rather than pause. because that's what they told us to do! i wasn't the only one. but still. oh. and i had to go out of there while the  other people (who were too slow to push the button they told us to push that we weren't supposed to) finished that one. which, again, took forever. and i had to come in with the next group.
and while i waited? i couldn't talk to anyone like the other people who were waiting (who hadn't gone in yet.) and i went over to talk to my friends before i knew that and i was honestly insulted when they called me back and, essentially, put me in a corner and said "this is so you won't tell!"
A. why would i give people an advantage?
B. it was only one question...
C. all that was on the page for prompts was "greet her." "tell her it's not possible and offer an alternate suggestion"
(in spanish though of course..) and that's gonna get them really fucking far even if i did tell!

speaking of forgetting things, they told most groups that they could go eat lunch. but somehow neglected my group. only mine. so i was in that fucking place for 7 hours and had nothing at all to eat. my brain was so empty by the time i got to the oral part.. i'm pretty sure i just bombed it. i could NOT concentrate.
(and, as much as that sounds like an excuse, it's really not. i got a 9/10  on our last oral simulation thing.)
7 hours + big important test + no food + annoying girls chattering + instructors that don't know what they're doing = not happy

so i was positively savage by the time i got home.

and so i've been up here for awhile, reviewing plays/stories we've read for AP english cause i have that exam on thursday...
and my mom comes upstairs.. she busted her computer. well i was on this one on sparknotes reviewing shit. so i tell her she can use the other computer to check her mail.

so she goes to aol.com to get to her mail cause i don't have aol because i HATE aol. and it's loading slow (it ALWAYS does. she should just get yahoo.) and she starts SCREAMING at it and me.

the baby is downstairs wailing and she's screaming at michael and ryan (OF ALL THINGS!) to take care of her.

and then she starts bitching cause i won't let her use my laptop. but i knew aol wouldn't work any better on here...
and i know how she gets when she is angry. and she probably would have broken this computer somehow or given it AIDS.
like her computer. cause she probably downloads too much porn or something.

and i KNOW she's gonna try to use it while i'm at school tomorrow. which is why i'm going to password protect it and log off. hah.

and my mom just told me i can go to hell and she hates me! perfect! (plus some random swears..)
i'm pretty sure i've been called 90% of the possible swear word combinations there are.


yes, i know that i am almost out.
no, that does not help me right now.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

you read me like a dirty,
folded up newspaper.
your eyes skim through
and jump to
only what pertains to you...
and so you lose
every word that aligns,
bends out of view
as you squint
to see the fine print
but ignore the headlines.
and you dispose of
what you do peruse,
to focus on today
as i become old news
and begin to decay
in your hands
as if it were raining
dissolve, tear, and fray
and all that's remaining
you crumple up
and throw away.


this is an expansion of something i started writing last year sometime. originally it was just a little creative ramble, not a poem... but it started turning into one.. mostly by accident.
i'm not sure whether i need to explain what this is really about... so i will anyway... i just feel kind of ignored. everything i talk about that's important to me takes a backseat to the funny things i say... and everyone thinks because i can brush things off sometimes that they can do it always... (but when they have a problem, no matter how small, it's the most important thing in the fucking world. and i listen and i advise.. but no one listens to my advice or considers it at all until AFTER the fact... when they're like "oops, you were right.)
i know i've said this before but i could be on fire and screaming and no one would notice that anything's wrong.

and i think it only fitting that i be compared to a newspaper. though i'm hoping that when i become a journalist, people don't just disregard me... i want my words to be immortalized in size twelve times new roman type.
or even just preserved for a bit... i'd even settled for just read and understood. but all my little paper heart really desires is to write like this every day for the rest of my life.
but that's important to me, so it's going to get ignored.