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| Assignment of the week...EDIT:
Ok, if there was a misunderstanding in this post, I'm sorry. I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm just saying do it. If you've done it, congratulations you are one step closer to winning the game.
Well it's that time again boys and girls, I'm going to give you your weekly assignment.
Your assignment this week, should you choose to accept it...
Walk into Blockbuster and...
a) Stay for less than 10 minutes and rent a movie without planning to rent a particular movie.
or...
b) Stay for longer than 30 minutes and rent nothing.
I think I'm being pretty generous here by giving you two options. These might sound easy but give them a try, I swear it's harder than you think. Wanna know why? Well here ya go:
a) It goes against everything I've learned to not peruse every SINGLE aisle in Blockbuster. I guess I figure that at some point, they're going to totally re-haul their movie selection and I'll have to re-memorize where every single movie is. While I'm at it, can I ask a question? Why does Blockbuster carry Lethal Weapon 1 and Lethal Weapon 3 and 4, but not Lethal Weapon 2? Also, why does Blockbuster carry Rambo 1 and 2 but not 3? WHY? Everytime I ask a clerk I get the same generic/politically correct response..."It probably was stolen." Only in W-Town would someone steal Rambo 3...Watch that movie and see if you can count the number of words Sly uses that are over 2 syllables...
b) I always think I'm going to be accused of stealing if I go into Blockbuster and don't rent anything. All the clerks are looking at me like "Who's this guy think he is? We didn't give him a 'Get out of jail free card'. Better call the feds..." Seriously, maybe once in the past 3 years have I stopped by Blockbuster and not rented ANYTHING. There's an unbelievable amount of pressure that is put on your back as soon as you walk in. You just hear this voice saying "Thousands of choices...pick one...PICK FIVE!"
Those are your choices, choose wisely.
Tune in next week for an assignment involving a fat suit.
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| *EDIT*
I am going out of town until Sunday night with my family. Call me or text me if you need me.
[Business Plug]
You may have heard, I am a computer guy. If you, your family, or your friend's computers need work, call me! I am good at what I do and cheaper than anyone else in Parker County. My number is: 817.694.5530. Thanks.
[Referral Info]
If I get a call from someone saying that you told them to call me, I will mail you a check for $20! It's an easy way for you to make money and it's something I'm glad to pay you for! The only requirement is that the person you referred hires me.
Example: Jane Doe calls my house and says that John Doe told her to call me. I go out to Jane's house, fix her computer, come home, and then mail John Doe a $20 check. I will continue to mail John a $20 check for every person that hires me because of him. John can make a lot of money this way!
Ok well that was a shameless plug but oh well. Everyone have a good weekend!
SAT Class Letters
For the last two weeks, I've been going to SAT Prep Class at Paschal High. I wake up at 7:30, leave at 7:45, get there at 8:25 (Fuzzy math? Think again slow-poke), and stay 'till 12:00. This class is pretty brutal but the only thing that helped me survive was the people-watching. Really fascinating stuff. Here's a list of advice based on the personality traits I encountered these past weeks.
Dear Jonathan,
Is it ok to write letters in class? If not, why? What if he's cute and has shaggy hair and a scrolling marquee on his belt buckle?-Confused Literary Genius/Paper-folding Queen
Ladies, don't write letters in class. I mean really, please, don't! A girl sat ahead of me in class, and for about 3/4ths (.75...I hate fractions) of the time she was writing a letter to a guy who had a name that strongly resembled a band. This wasn't a letter like I'm used to seeing/writing, i.e. "Ha, this teacher won't stop teaching. Think he wanted to be a college professor and just didn't quite make it? I bet he was the Rudy of all college profs." See, that's harmless and maybe even funny. This girl was writing deep stuff...
*break in the action*
Are you wondering how I know this? Well before you get all indignant that I DARE read this poor girl's personal letter...I have this to say...SHUT UP. Seriously, this girl was writing HUGE, she was write in front of me, and I was bored. If she didn't want it to be read, she should've gone to the bathroom or at least been more discreet.
*back to the action...is it action? Oh well...*
Ok so back to what this girl was writing...Here's an excerpt (not even kidding.):
"Dear Remy,
I hope you didn't misunderstand what I said about relationships. I've always thought of myself as a relationship type of girl. I mean, I've never had a fling or at least I haven't had one on purpose. Anyways, the answer to your next question is as follows.
My favorite stores include but aren't limited to..."
First off, what girl isn't a relationship-type-of-girl? I mean, really? Secondly, what a cliche question, "what's your favorite store"...What a novice...Ok so lesson learned girls? I know that this probably won't actually stop you from writing your most private thoughts in class (remind me to tell you about the R rated letter a girl wrote in Spanish Class at the college). Just remember, even though class seems like the most private place in the world, it's not. The one thing I will give most girls credit on though is this. Ya'll are AWESOME at folding paper. I mean really, I've been on the receiving end of a few notes and dad GUM! Not only is it shaped like a three dimensional swan, but it's also impossible to open. However, once it is open, it's perfectly creased so that every crease-line acts as an underline for important words. I bow to the feminine touch.
p.s. The picture is a picture I took with my cell phone camera in class.
p.p.s. You're stupid if you took what I just said seriously.
Dear Jonathan,
Girls think I'm attractive. They really do. Heck, guys think I'm attractive. I think I'm attractive. I am attractive. Should I pick up a chick?
-Your Girlfriend's new Boyfriend
Yeah, this guy is one of my favorites. You know, the guys who try as hard as possible to never smile or anything that could be seen as emotion cause that would make them less attractive. And who knows, maybe that's actually true, maybe that dude had one of those bubba-teeth things going on...Anyways, yeah. Guys, I'm saying this as a (white) bro.
You're at SAT prep class, this isn't exactly Laguna Beach. You probably already have a girlfriend but are looking to "score" with the "SAT girls". That's the point, they're SAT girls. They love equilateral triangles, not your thin goatee. The ones that are actually going to cave-in to your intense, emotionless, stare are the ones that you've already dated 7 times since Jr. High.
Dear Jonathan,
Dude, you don't even know. I'm like, really funny. My family laughs at my jokes. Girls think I'm really funny and that's actually my selling point with girls. When I tell a joke, I usually look around and laugh a little bit just to cue the others when it's ok to laugh. Should I continue to make jokes in class, or should I SHUT UP.-Drew Carey
Dude, you're killing me and everyone else. There's always this one kid in every class who thinks that he's got the corner on "funny, irritating jokes to make when my hand is raised". Well, I hate to shock ya Drew, but you're not funny and I told that same joke three years ago. And you know what Drew? Not only is it not that funny, it's also a little creepy. Your jokes like "Haha, I just got back from the Dr.'s office, he said that I'm really a girl!" rings true to me. Don't tell any joke that would be funny if it weren't true, if it sounds kinda true. Also, your attempts at extreme dry-humor are excruciating..."The answer can be found in the fact that the shop wasn't being sold for a cheap price, the roses were...but what if it was the shop...what if it was someone who dearly loved the shop but was dying so they wanted to sell it at a cheap price so as to not make a huge profit on something they truly loved...what if?"
I should kill you Drew.
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| - I'm BOSSYAre humans petty? Yes.Today's post is being dedicated to all of those things that needlessly cause conflict. I'm going to go through this in a boy/girl/boy/girl fashion. In other words, these are things I've noticed that either guys fight about, or girls fight about.
Boys - We invented the No Blinking Game!
This has to be the most unreasonable thing guys do, right? Try as I might, I really can't understand it. Not that I don't do the same thing as every other guy. What am I talking about? I'm talking about what goes down when two guys who don't know eachother make eye contact. COME ON. This shouldn't be a big deal. But...it is. I mean, I can feel so much hate for a guy who I haven't ever seen before if he looks at me. I guess guys are always looking for someone to challenge them, so when time goes by and no one actually challenges them, they have to look for ways to act like they're being challenged. Example:
I'm cruising down South Main. Rolling with my homies. I look to my right, and sitting in the parking lot of Blockbuster is the local Street-Cycle gang. Most people would back down at this point...but let's face it, I own a Ford Truck...So I give them the look that says "Good luck on the motorcycles, better hope it doesn't rain, or that you don't run into anything." I'm pretty sure they caught my drift...
Wouldn't it be AWESOME if girls thought the same kind of things? I swear, stuff like that actually goes through a guy's head.
Anyways, all I can say is...it's a weird weird thing that happens every single day. Ask any guy, they'll tell you. Weird.
Girls - Do you like Ford/Chevy/Dr. Pepper/Coke/or Pink best?
I don't even know what to say about this one. Girls are crazy. I swear though, I've seen one girl punch another girl in the throat because they didn't agree on which soft drink they preferred. Girls are constantly polling people. God help you if you answer wrong. Here's a situation for you:
Blondie: Hey Jonathan, what do you prefer, blondes or brunettes?
Me: Uhhh...
See in this situation, what do you do? My girlfriend has brunette hair so of course I love brunettes...but at the same time the girl asking is blonde and I don't really want to anger her...I can already tell she's emotionally involved in this question, who KNOWS what she'll do if I say brunettes...Courtney is around here somewhere isn't she...
Blondie: Come on Jonathan, it's not a big deal, I'm not in any way emotionally involved in this question!
Liar...LIAR LIAR LIAR.
Me: Oh ok, well then I guess I'd choose brunettes!
At this point, I have made the grave mistake of going off of what a girl said, and not reading in between the lines...
Blondie: WRONG YOU STUPID JERK. I HATE YOU. WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO ME!?!?!
I think you kind of catch the drift. Girls like polling people, but they have agendas...boy do they have agendas.
Boys - You don't agree with me? I bet you will after I indoctrinate you!
Ok, so if girls take it personally when you don't agree with them, what do guys do? For guys, it's a competition - hold up, incase you don't know this, EVERYTHING IS A COMPETITION - to see who can sway who. Guys will argue for hours over the smallest things in the world, just for the satisfaction of proving the other guy wrong. Example:
Billy: What's your favorite, mexican food or italian food?
Notice how this is something totally subjective. He didn't ask "Which is the best?" He asked, "What's your favorite?"
Me: Well Billy, I would have to say that I prefer mexican food.
Billy: Man are you KIDDING me? Mexican food? You'd rather eat beans and rice and other bland foods like that over the sweet, flavor-explosion, that is italian food? That's rediculous! I can't believe that! You'd rather have corn tortillas than garlic bread? Taco salad over an Olive Garden salad? WHAT? Gah, you wear me out, italian food is easily the best food that there is. There's no way you could prefer mexican food. I'm going to go out on a limb and say...honestly...you're probably not going to heaven now. Everyone knows there's a right and there's a wrong and mexican food ain't the right choice!
More than likely, this will go on for 45-120 minutes.
Exhausted Me: Ok fine, italian food is better...*passes out*
Ecstatic Billy: HAH, you caved! YOU FOOL!
Yeah, there you go. Guys go through arguments like that about every third day.
Well I'm going to stop my little thought process for a while. If you can think of any other things guys and girls do that are weird...let me know - I'll stare you down, jack your idea, and turn it against you!
Girls - Of course she said that, but what she really means is...
Ok, with guys, what you see/hear is what you get. With girls? Not the case. When a girl tells a guy "It's fine, you can go out with your friends." The guy hears, "It's fine, you can go out with your friends." The girl wants the guy to hear, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't abandon me for those slobs you call friends, LOVE ME...LOVE ME...PLEASE...I AM GOING TO BREAK UP WITH YOU IF YOU GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS!"
Why is it like this? It's like that because, guys are used to dealing with guys and girls are used to dealing with girls. When guys say something to other guys, they usually mean what they say. I mean, how gay would it be if I asked a guy if he was ok, and he said yeah, and then I said that I didn't believe him and that I thought he really needed my companionship...? HOW GAY? Very.
Girls however, they say stuff to other girls/guys and expect that person to read deeper into what they're saying. Trust me, if a girl says, "Don't worry about it, I'll be ok." She does not want you to breathe a sigh of relief and say, "Alright great!" Trust me. This is why guys get upset when girls read deeper into what they say, and also why girls get upset when guys don't read deeper into what they say.
Boys - Who are we kidding? We're not girls!
Face it ladies, guys just don't have that many conflicts. Basically any conflict we do have is caused by competition. That's it. If you want to know what the base of any guy-oriented conflict is, it's competition. Fighting over a girl? Competition. Arguing over stuff? Competition. Yeah, we might fight as much as girls, but we aren't so dad gum complicated.
Girls - I hate Kelly...oops here she comes, "HEY Kellyyy, I LOVE your shoess"
Dare I say it? Another difference between boys and girls? Guys, what happens when you don't like somebody? You know it, they know it (unless you're a woman about it), and everyone else knows it too. Usually you can work something out and everything is hunkydorey. Girls, what happens when you don't like somebody? You injest it, you swallow it, and only tell your closest friends how much rage and hate is inside of you. By the way, this practice cannot be healthy. But yeah, why is this? I don't understand. I really don't. Example:
Thoughtful Sally: *Thinking* I hate Kelly so much, she thinks she's SOOo cool. She's not...SHE ISN'T. How dare her talk to Bobby, everyone knows I'm trying to get him. Why would she talk to him? She's rediculous. I'll show her... Uh-oh, here she comes, what do I say what do I say? I don't want her to know how much I obviously hate her...
Oblivious Kelly: Hey Sally, how are you doing? You look great! I love your purse!
At this point, we really don't know whether or not Kelly actually likes Sally since this example is from Sally's point of view only. I would do Kelly's point of view but I can't handle being inside of TWO girl's minds at the same time.
Deceivingly Sweet Sally: I love youuuu...you're shoes are great! Where'd you buy them? Oh and good luck with Bobby, isn't he sweet?
Ok, I think you get my point. Girls lie.
Just kidding. Girls don't lie, they really have good intentions I think. They just don't understand that everything would be easier if they had the emotions that guys have.
I'm being somewhat facetious here so please don't call me a male shovenist.
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| Have you had shoulder surgery? NO!Shoulder surgery is a very deceiving and controversial surgery to have.
First off, no one can actually see your pain unless you animate it for them. It's not a steady pain, it's more of a "I'm fine right now but I know that if I move my shoulder at all I'm going to regret it." However, people are always being so sympathetic and compassionate by asking "How bad does it hurt?" It honestly doesn't hurt constantly, it's just really bad jabs of pain anytime you make a mistake. I still stay on top of those pain killers though. I see it as a competition, by the end of the day either the painkillers or the pain are on top...Nevertheless, know, eventually my shoulder will hurt really bad so just think of your sympathy as credit for when that day comes and you're not around.
Second, surgery brings out the big fish stories in people. I've gotten a lot of "Ha, look at your little holes...they replaced my KNEECAP!!" stories. Too everyone who had surgeries that involved anything being replaced, scalpels, babies, or anything else more painful than mine...I don't care, mine hurts.
Third, being taken care of rocks. I dig it. People bring me stuff. I eat cookies. I sleep. I play video games. I watch TV. Yeah.
Fourth, ok this is the crappy part about shoulder surgery. I literally can't move my arm more than a few inches away from my body. And it will be like this for another 2-3 months. Negative about my arm being stuck to my body: I sweat a lot more. Positive: You'll never know how much I'm sweating cause I can't lift my arm!
Looking back at this post, I switched from the third to the first person several times. Weird.
Good thing I'm taking english this next year...
Jerk.
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| Shoulder Surgery is here...*edit*
Surviving...hurting...call me...see me...
The great day has come.
When: 12:30 tomororw
What: Shoulder surgery
How long: A hour or so
What can you do: Bring me stuff/visit. | | |
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