FOR YOUR SAFETY:
SELF-DEFENSE TECHNIQUES AND INFORMATION

THIS IS A LONG ENTRY, BUT IT IS WORTH YOUR TIME AND THOUGHT.

I got the following article, "Through a Rapist's Eyes," from a friend.  I searched on Google, but I couldn't find out who the author is (all I know is that he is a man) or more important details about the size and scope of the study (how many participated, background, demographics, etc.).  Regardless of how credible the article is research-wise, the main jist of it is to have common sense and to trust your instincts, and I think that is definitely credible advice.

6.28.06 UPDATE: This may be a silly request, but if you do read this entry and are a member of Xanga, please please please LEAVE A COMMENT, even if you just write, "Read it" or "Ok."  I take writing, especially writing public entries, very seriously (sorry, I am a typical first-born child...taking things seriously is just a part of who I am ), and I made this entry public for a reason, so of course I expect people I don't know to read this.  So even if you don't know me, just leave a comment anyway.  And if you don't want to write anything, just leave an eProp, even if it's zero eProps--I couldn't care less about the amount.  The point is I just want to know that for your safety and my peace of mind that you are taking some minutes out of your day to read this or even just to skim the bolded parts.  Thank you.

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Through a Rapist's Eyes
This is important information for females of ALL ages. (Personal note: Actually, I think self-defense is important for EVERYONE.  Ok, on with the actual article...)

When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends. I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My male friends have female friends and this information is too important to miss someone. Please pass it along.

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing.

3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00 a.m. and 8:30 a.m.

5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms.

6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9) These men said they would NOT pick on women who have umbrellas or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are NOT a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like "What time is it?" or make general small talk: "I can't believe it is so cold out here, " or "We're in for a bad winter." Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.

11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell, "STOP" or "STAY BACK!" Most of the rapists this man talked to said  they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yell, "I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY!" and holding it out will be a deterrent.

13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD.  One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches.  Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts.

14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble.  Start causing trouble and he's out of there.

15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible! The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can (the buddy system isn't just for elementary school-age children!) and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your INSTINCTS!!! You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

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My friends and I read this together at work and one of my friends had taken a semester-long certified self defense class.  She learned a lot from the class and offered some advice:

1) You are about to enter a confined space, such as an elevator or a subway car, and there is only one person in there.  If your instincts tell you that the person is shady, DO NOT ENTER the space.  There are times for politeness, but this is not one of them.  Walk away and improvise if you feel the need.  For example, to get away from the elevator, you can say something like, "Oh, I left my keys!" and run away.

2) Let's use the subway scenario again: Say it's the early morning and you and a stranger are riding the same subway car.  Again, your instincts are telling you to get out of the car at the next stop, but you worry that the person may follow you out, which could very likely happen.  Plan an escape in your head (which door you should use to exit, etc.), but play it very cool--make no indication that you are about to leave--and when you arrive at the next stop and the doors open, strategically bolt out of there right before the doors shut.

3) Continuing with the subway scenario: Let's say you're not alone with just one stranger, but say the person next to you is making you feel uncomfortable...you just don't like the feeling of being near him/her and you suspect that he/she might steal your wallet or something.  You could use the approach in #2, or if you feel it's safe enough and there are enough people riding in your car, get up and MOVE anyway...simply move, or pretend you need to look at a map that's waaay at the other end of the car.

4) The knees are another weak spot--hitting someone in the knee will cause his/her leg to buckle, hopefully giving you ample time to run away.

5) Be resourceful--know what you have in your possession.  A better alternative to using keys as a weapon is a pen or pencil.  They can be used to jab someone in the eye.  My friend actually said that when it's late at night and she's alone, she prepares herself by holding a pen in her hand, just in case.

6) If someone attacks you, FOCUS your energy.  Don't let your panicked thoughts wander to ideas like, "Maybe he has the wrong person."  You ARE being attacked.  Stay in the moment and do whatever you have to do to get out of the situation.

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So those are some thoughts courtesy of my friend.

And lastly, just a personal response to #3 in the article about using cell phones: When I'm walking/out alone and it's late or I feel unsafe, I like to have my phone out, but I always stay alert.  Sometimes I'm not even talking to anyone.  In my opinion, in these situations, it's just good to be prepared with my cell phone instead of having to frantically rummage through my bag looking for it.

I don't mean to make any of you paranoid!  And again, I do not know how credible this study is--believe what you like of the statistics and information.  But I hope you all agree with me that an exhaustive scientfic study is not necessary for us to know that being cautious and aware and trusting our instincts are infinitely important.

Please pass this on and feel free to add anything you know about self-defense.

poesis

Top of the World

You don't know it, but

Sometimes, I go to a hill that overlooks
the landscape's mask of city lights
For a sip of momentary grace.
On this brink of everything I know, I can gain
An eyeful of the lost Atlantis in the human soul,
And a breath that fills my lungs with the air between two stars.

If right now, you
Were to capture this elation
In the framework of your mind,
Or find transcendence through these words,
Then at most you would know
Nothing
Of the beauty your existence throws to me.
For mine is a love no experience,
No thought, no measure, no words
Could ever degrade into reality by virtue of degree.
-Rider Strong

No matter how many times I read this poem, I can never get over how incredibly beautiful it is.

Life is good

I will be in the city this summer...let me know if you will be too!

It's supposed to get up to 81 degrees today...go outside & enjoy NYC in the springtime!

I'm going to go see my darlings soon

It'll be hard to say goodbye next week.  I love love love them to pieces.

Ok well take care everybody =)  And good luck with the rest of the semester!

Ok...so I just sat on the couch for an hour with the same expression on my face--one of horror, shock, and utter disbelief.  I was watching Donnie Deutsch's program, which focused on polygamist "families," based mainly in Utah...and Arizona, too?  I don't know; my facts are a bit hazy, but my feelings certainly are not.

I always knew of polygamy.  I didn't know much ABOUT it, but I knew that okay, polygamy exists in the United States.  But what I did NOT know was what happens behind the scenes in these polygamist cults (and yes, they are cults).  Some of the men the show featured had as many as seventy wives...this is the leader of the cult--The Prophet as they call him--who strikes fear into the hearts of his followers.  He is now considered a fugitive for assaulting a minor, and he has somehow disappeared into thin air.  (I hope they catch him.)  The wives are "at the husband's disposal."  It is sick for a man to have the power to say, "Okay, hmm...I choose to have sex with you today, wife #30.  Later I'll have sex with you, wife #4."  One of the other men had I think 28 wives, ranging from the age of TWO YEARS OLD to 59.  TWO YEARS OLD?!?!  That is ridiculous.  That should be the definition of ridiculous.  In fact, that should be the definition to all words that connote ill intentions, events, etc.  Two year olds do NOT deserve to be treated in that way.  In fact, women do not deserve to be treated that way.  All forms of life do not deserve to be treated that way. 

There were two women featured on the show who shared a husband with seven other wives.  And you know what they believed?  That polygamy is the ultimate form of feminism.  My ass it is!!!!!!!!  When asked if they ever felt jealousy towards the "sister wives," they denied it, saying "Oh no, MEN feel jealous.  WOMEN just feel insecure."  The host of the show, Donnie, and another woman (who had run away from her polygamist cult) protested, bringing in factors such as human nature.  So the two women rethought it and said, "Well, I'm sure men do feel insecure, but they are more likely to get jealous.  Women don't get jealous; they feel insecure."  What the...that is bs.  I can personally attest to feeling jealousy; it's not something I'm proud of, but it's HUMAN NATURE.  The two women went on to say that the man is the PROTECTOR and that women want to feel safe, protected, and loved.  Now THAT there is why gender stereotypes are perpetuated.  Women want to feel safe, protected, and loved?  Those adjectives automatically imply that women are receivers, not givers; they are powerless, not powerful; they are controlled, not the controller.  How in the world could that be the ultimate form of feminism?  This makes me wonder...why does polygamy only entail the man having multiple wives?  Why can't a woman have multiple husbands?  For the fanatical feminist, wouldn't THAT be the ultimate form of feminism?  To have that kind of control and power?  I wonder what would happen if the tables were turned like that.  But these women are so brainwashed that they probably wouldn't even dare think of that happening.  Oh no, they just want to feel safe, protected, and loved because, oh yes, I'm sorry, in all my anti-feminism, I forgot that those are the things that a woman wants...of course!  How could I be so silly.  But seriously now, these women have not been taught to value themselves, and so of course, they believe that feminism means, well, being feminine I suppose?  And what does that stereotype mean?  To be submissive and fragile.  But these two women were completely in LOVE with their late husband; they said abuse did not take place in their household.  In fact, they claimed that their late husband encouraged them to not just be a wife and a mother but to go out and pursue their careers.  I admit that these women were very well-spoken and well-presented.  They were also very successful...one is a lawyer, and I forget what the other is.  So I don't know...go figure.  Perhaps they have been brainwashed, or perhaps they are really happy?  And maybe that's what feminism means to them...to just be happy as a woman, whatever the status and situation.

I also admit...I do feel that safety, protection, and love are important characteristics in a marriage and in a family, but in saying that, why does it have to be the woman receiving and the man providing?  Girls in these cults are deprived of an education and are born into bondage.  Girls as young as eight years old are married off, and who knows at what age they start getting abused.  These girls are taught that the man is the master and that their duty in life is to get married and have as many children as possible...which in one case was fifteen children.  FIFTEEN.  And chances are, not all of them were healthy either.  These girls are brainwashed into believing that their role in life is to make a man happy.  That most certainly is NOT my role in life.  My role in life is to be me.  And not to mislead you, I do want to get married and to have kids, but I don't want that to be FORCED onto me.  I want to be independent, established, and stable as a woman--as a person--before starting a family.  As I've learned in the Toddler Center, where we encourage the children to say, "NO, MINE!" (and they love saying this by the way), you must feel good about yourself before you can be generous and loving to others.  I really believe this.  How can you maintain and build healthy and reciprocal relationships if you don't have some sense of self-worth and self-knowledge?

Sadly, I don't think these women know who they are because they have come to rely so much on a man.  And that is sad...to have no identity other than the one that has been socially constructed for you by a patriarchal and abusive cult of men.  And these men send away young boys who they believe pose threats to them...i.e. they believe these younger boys will monopolize the women and well, that would be just horrible, wouldn't it?...Not being able to increase your number of wives, which means not being able to increase your power.  The world as we know it would just END.

The wives believe that what their husbands give to them is a gift from God and that disobeying their husbands means disobeying God.  WHAT?  People cannot just proclaim themselves as messengers of God...that in itself is disobeying God.  But I guess that's not what the FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints) religion believes.  I think the whole "religion" is blasphemy.  It's a sin to ruin the lives of young children and to rob them of a childhood and a democratic society.  And I would just like to say that I am not in any way saying that our democratic society is perfect because it's not.  As long as humans are involved, democracy won't be perfect because face it, we're not perfect.  But instead, the FLDS seem to believe that they are PERFECT, that they are doing God's duty and that's all that matters.  From the interviews and video clips I saw, the polygamist cults are far from perfect.  They are far from the utopia that they claim to uphold.

And don't even get me started on the child abuse.  TWO YEARS OLD?!?!?!  It's completely horrifying and appalling.  I'm not even going to go into that...I would just rant on and on even more.

Just wanted to add something here.  In no way do I mean to say that the people in the FLDS communities are all things evil.  The FLDS have been around for generations, believe it or not.  I mean, it's hard to break away from society, especially if it's the way you were raised and it's all you ever knew.  Society is powerful and influential, and the FLDS aren't taught anything else but the religion they are born into.  They live life the way they think life is supposed to be.  A lot of them didn't even know 9/11 happened.  They're that sheltered.  So I don't think that these are inherently "bad" people.  But there are a group of people, mainly the "Lost Boys," who managed to escape.  They couldn't take the abuse and the wrongdoings anymore, and so, they left.  That there just demonstrates that human nature, no matter how repressed it has become, can eventually creep up on you.  The Lost Boys and the others that escaped eventually realized, "This is just wrong."  We're born with an innate curiosity and a need to explore and understand...and I think if we're strong enough, we can overcome any odds and reclaim our rights to life.

As a disclaimer, I am not a gender studies major, nor have I ever taken any classes on gender or on polygamy.  Further, I am not a man-hater nor am I a radical feminist (whatever you believe that to mean).  But this show just got to me, it really did.  And it wasn't exactly one-sided because Donnie brought on people who really believed in their religion and way of life.  I just had to vent on this because I was really shocked and mortified at what I learned.  If you have any information, even if it's to the contrary, please let me know because I'm sure there is much much much more to learn and understand about the FLDS.  If you disagree with me, then fine...you're entitled to that.  But I believe that I was raised with good morals and values by a family that loves me unconditionally.  My parents and the people around me have taught me to value myself as a person, and so I hope you understand why I feel so strongly about this.

In closing, I hope you all are doing well.  I know it's been forever since I've blogged, but I just don't feel compelled to blog the way I used to.  What I would like writing to do (and this is what writing has always done for me) is to serve as an outlet for expression, self-reflection, and inspiration.  The poems I posted here previously are a part of who I have become, and that is why I shared them with you.  They inspired me, moved me, and made me question, and isn't that what learning, growing, and becoming are all about?

If you've actually read this whole thing, thank you .  I know it was long...but those of you who know me know that I have a tendency to write a lot, especially if it's on a topic like this.

Anyhow, take care, everyone.  Be safe & be happy!

This has been an amazing day.  How often do you have people with SUCH different backgrounds, beliefs, and upbringings in one room all together, discussing faith and life and God and so much more?  I've never experienced something quite like it before...it's so inspiring and uplifting.  I've learned how similar we all are...that in the end, we all just want to be treated as human beings, no matter how different we are...no matter if we're homeless, blind, Jewish, Muslim, Catholic, Messianic Jewish, Hindu, Seven Day Adventist, converts, searching, of no religion or established belief system, etc.  One of my suitemates in particular, who arranged the whole event, has touched so many people.  She has reached out to practically everyone--no judgments or questions but just with a hope to connect with that person--to show that person that he/she matters...that we all matter.

The world is so beautiful, and we are so so so blessed. 

I love my suitemates...I love all the different qualities, eccentricities, beliefs, and ideas they bring in and share.

This is why I love New York City.  This is why I love Barnard.  This is why I love life and being alive and being able to learn, feel, grow, change, question, believe, love.