| 365Well; here I am. A year older, a year wiser. A year closer to my last, a year farther than my first. They say that everyday, you learn something new. It's been over 365 days, 365 sunrises, 365 sunsets, 365 dinners, so in essence, I suppose I've learned 365 new things... But, what? In ways I feel that I would have rather not had to learn the things I did. I wish I would not have had to learn that even the gentlest stranger can be the most manipulative animal. I wish I would not have had to learn that no matter how much money you think youre selling your integrity for, you're shortcutting yourself. I wish I would not have had to learn the consequences of not showing up to class. I wish I would not have had to learn the feeling of disappointing everyone I once knew. I wish I would not have had to learn the pain of a constant cloud of guilt shadowing overhead. However, if I had not spent the past year learning all these lessons, I suppose I would've learned them somewhere else down the road. Needless to say, leaving Robinson, Texas was a life-changing experience for me. Leaving a town where everyone knew my name, my face, my personality, a place where everyone knew what I believed in, a place where people looked up to me, and going to a place where knew one knew me, no one cared what I believed, and I had the ability to start fresh and be who I wanted to be. There's a certain thrill that comes with moving somewhere new, especially after wishing for 18 years that you had been someone else. Don't get me wrong, I loved the people I had come to know through the years, who loved me exactly the way I was, but I had always dreamt of being someone different. Growing up, I had been kind, modest, responsible, and the kind of girl who was everyone's friend. However, from my eyes, that meant being the girl behind the scenes. Every night, I'd pray and wish that when I awoke the next morning that God would make me skinny, give me longer hair, bigger boobs, and a ginormous, beautiful wardrobe, so that when I went to school that I could be the girl people looked at, and said, "That girl has got it all." I wasted many nights of sleep even wishing that I could go back to Kindergarden when I awoke, and that I would have same knowledge I had then. And, I would've picked nicer clothes, been more confident around the kids, made straight As on everything, played more volleyball, been a cheerleader, you know, the whole bit. I'd finally doze off with a vision of being everyone's everything in my mind. But, regardless, I'd wake up, the same old dork. Granted, going to college did not make me thinner, more beautiful, or more athletic, but it did give me the oppurtunity to have a new personality. I had been the nice girl all my life, and it had been okay. But, I was determined to display great confidence in this new town, even if it was an artificial confidence. Things went well, I quickly made many friends, and stuck to the morals I grew up with, but as the weeks passed, I slowly started dropping my old habits, and picking up ones I thought would make me look cooler, cussing, drinking, partying, clubbing, etc. Soon, I wasn't even close to the person I had grown up as, but was completely content being so. I was the life of a party, the girl to be with at the club, the person you texted on the weekend to find a party, I had finally become who I thought I wanted to be. However, I felt something missing. How could I have everything I wanted, be everything I thought I wanted, and still fill an emptiness? Soon, people from my hometown found out who I had become, and telling me how disappointed they were in me, and spreading stories, then not talking to me at all. It hurt. A lot. But being the new me, I couldn't display a sign of weakness, so I took their criticism and turned it into a certain anger, that propelled me to fall deeper into clubbing and partying, determined that they would not control me. However, in the midst of it all, I came across a guy who took a certain interest in me, and I came to find out he was a pastor. I swept and shoved all my bad habits into a closent, and pretended that nothing had ever happened, and that I was exactly the girl he was looking for. I started attending church with him, and loved it. I finally had found that heart of worship, and that hole in my heart was filled. We started dating, and I thought he was everything I had wanted. It became apparent, however, after about two months of dating that I was not everything that he wanted. One night, we had gotten home from a hockey game just across the border, we were talking, and he told me that he really liked me, but his ideal woman was a size 6, and that he could get me to that point in 6 weeks, and that it was bugging him that little girls in the church were pointing out the fact that I was overweight, so that if I wanted to continue dating him, I would need to lose weight. I was crushed, but was completely submissive to his request. That night, after getting into my apartment, I went to my room and took a long look in the mirror. I had never looked in the mirror and been completely disgusted with myself before. Although I used to wish I was different growing up, I never had a terrible problem with the way I looked. It was that night I started making myself throw up. I ran myself until I dropped, I hardly ate anything, and then forced myself to throw up what I did eat. After 8 days, I lost 13 pounds, almost everynight's sleep, and every shred of confidence I had. And, after a talk with my roomates, I began to realize how stupid I was being. I worked hard at finding the right words to say, and finally told him that I was done trying to be who he wanted me to be, and that I was done with him. However, a few weeks later, he apologized, and being stupid I took him back. We pretended it didn't really happen, even though an echo of his haunting words resounded in mind constantly. Slowly I began to fill him in on my experiences in Tyler thus far, in order to build a trusting relationship, and thought he would take the news roughly, and be disappointed. However, he did not show any sign of disappointment, but instead a helping of curiosity. Soon, he started becoming increasingly sexually advancive, and I broke up with him. I knew that everything I had done up to that point had hurt me, but I didn't want to be a part of a scandal that hurt a church body, and I was hurt that I had finally found a guy that I thought was genuine, and that I trusted, but he was no different than any other scoundrel, and dumped him agian, for good. I started spending more time with my guy friends from work that he didn't like me hanigng out with, and one night, we went to a gentlemen's club. I was so shocked. I had never been in one before, and it was a disgusting feeling, at first. However, soon, guys throughout the club began to come talk to me, and tel me things like I was the most beautiful girl there, even though I was wearing clothes, and that I should work there. I was alone, and still comepletely unsure with the way I looked, and these few words from those greasy old men were enough for me. I knew I would never have enough confidence to be able to be a dancer, but I talked with a waitress there and found out she made about 4 times what I made as a waitress at Buffalo Wild Wings, and worked half as hard. I got a job that night. I ended up working there for two months as a waitress, wearing blue jeans and a nice shirt. I made incredible money, remained completely clothed, and hardly had to work. Guys told me all night, everynight that I was gorgeous, and it made me feel good. I thought everything was all good, even up til my last night there, before I moved back to Waco to be home for the summer. It wasn't until I was home that I realized how sad I was. Not sad that I had left Tyler, but completely sad and embarrassed about who I had become. In Robinson, I started going back to church again, willing and eager to find God's forgiveness, the forgiveness of my peers, and the forgiveness of myself. I quickly fell in love with being at church and serving there. I learned that the temporary feeling of happiness in Tyler while I was drinking and partying wasn't happiness at all, but rather an attempt to hide from myself the pain I felt, and that the feeling of happiness I felt back home, at church was not temporary, and was authentic, lasting, and way more appetizing. I found God's forgiveness, and my own forgiveness, but soon found that gaining the forgiveness of my peer's was the hard part. A lot more people than I had though already knew about the strip club, or thought they knew. They either ignored me, or acted weird. It was hard at first, because I thought to myself, I had been working so hard at being a woman of God, and they don't care. They don't even care to talk to me, and see how I've been. After talking to my youth pastor, I realized that people are people, and I cannot please them all. Satan had been using them to bring me down, and I refuse to let him be victorious. So, through and through, the past 365 days have been insightful. Not every one of them have been uplifting. In fact, only the past 80 or so of them have been, but, I'll tell you this: the past 80 have taught me more about life, more about me, more about God's love and forgiveness than any complete year has... And it's good. Here's to the next 365, that when uncovered they will show me twice as much as this year, without having to expereince as much pain, and that what I've learned the past 365 I can share and help others with in the days and years to come. Peace. |
