People wanna be famous.  They wanna be wealthy and popular.  They wanna be better than others and like to show it off. 

However, I thought I was different.  I thought I gave it all up, but it still hurts.

What I've been realizing last few weeks is... loving Jesus sometimes means not being popular, or even worse, being hated.  People gossip about you all the time.  They make up things about you, and whatever you said could turn out to be something totally crazy.  It's not really you.  It's them. 

That is a real problem.  If it's because of them, you can't really do anything about it.  Okay...you can go meet everyone trying to convince them that you didn't do(or say) it.  They sound like they understand and even worried...ONLY in your face.

Okay...what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to worry about what they say.  People will talk till you die.  They will constantly try to take you down and make you look as dumbest as they can.  It's not that they hate you, the world is that way.  Even I do that all the time not knowing. 

We must kill our flash.  We get mad and hurt because we care.  Because we care about OURSELVES.  It doesn't matter as long as you're not like what they say about you.  God knows, and He will always be on your side.

Don't be hurt.  Just laugh at it and forget about it.  It'll only tear you if you keep thinking about it.   

I wish I could foresee everything that will happen in my life.  I'm so confused.  What am I doing here right now?  Do they worth?  Why is everything so hard?? 

Only thing I want is... to be used by God.  I want to be worthy in His eyes.  I want to be something that will impact to people.  I want to be... I want to be so many things.  But...I'm so useless...at least that's what I feel like right now. 

What is God teaching me to understand?  I know one thing.  God wants me to be changed.  He wants more from me.  He sees the possibility in me.  But... I can't. 

Father God.  Help me to see.  Help me to see the right thing and understand your desires.  I want to be more like you.  Help me..... Help me for I'm weak and foolish.  I feel helpless...... 

It's cool that this is like my private place where I can talk about anything since nobody reads it...haha 

I've been doing pretty good lately...It's just that I'm spiritually hungry to spend more time with God.  Since I'm working to pay off my tuition and bills, I put aside the relationship with God.  I guess I thought I had an excuse.  But I realize there's no excuse to put aside God before anything.

I feel like crap.  There's always something happening that disturbs the peace of my life.  My life is never easy.  But I know that God gives me strength, and that he allows it because he knows that I can bear it.  However, it is sometimes hard to believe that he is with me. 

I know that I've been pretending like I'm okay.  but I feel that I'm weak and scared.  I miss being sheltered under my parents.  I know where I am is the easiest place to get closer to God since I have nobody to hang on to, but sometimes, I feel like why does this happen to me...

I don't understand why this is happening to me.  But I know that God is in control.  and whatever is going on, I should be satisfied. 

My God...My Father....  I trust in you, and I rest upon your hand.

Father.  I thank you for your love for me.

Yay!! I'm back to my happy mood! hehe 

My roommate was weirded out that I was smiling today... lol... and she said "I'm so happy that you're back!  I missed you!!"   I didn't realize how serious and boring I've been. 

well..Working is still hard, but it's getting better everyday.  Everything's going pretty well for now.   Everyone's nice to me, and I'm happy that I can actually support myself without help from my parents.

But as always, I'm gonna be a little sad for just a little bit. 

Yesterday I tried to call my brother in Korea.  He turned 12 this year.  His b-day was on June 23, and I totally forgot about it.  Yesterday, I felt so back, I couldn't stop crying in the car.  I know He doesn't have anyone to celebrate his birthday with.  And me, his only sister, cannot even call him once a year.  I tried to call several times, but I couldn't contact with him.  

I'm such a horrible sister...  God please be with my brother and comfort him.

Life is so tough.  I don't know how everyone can stand it.  One problem after another everyday.  I wonder it'll ever end.

I have so many problems...  Most of them are kept secrets except couple of people who're really close to me.  I'm not sure i'll write them on here.  Most of them are about my family, and I'm not ready now.  

Whew... even though my life seems a little more complicated than some of others, I'm still blessed because I have Jesus with me.

Thank you Father.

I am satisfied.  

It's Saturday!!  yea!  I'm so tired of working at a restaurant.  It's so much harder than I expected.  Even though the restaurant's owner is a Korean pastor's wife, she turns really scary when I'm wondering around not knowing what's going on.  She is a really nice lady, but when it comes to working, she yells at me her head off and gives me a really mean look.  I don't know how she can be so different in and out of the restaurant.  whew...

I see that God's been challenging me.  He wants me to grow and experience.  I wanna quit so many times everyday.  I'm scared and worried.  I even thought about going back to Korea or joining ROTC.  But, I wanna know what God has planned for me and do it even if it means that my life's gonna be miserable.  He knows me better than I know myself, and I trust God.  I trust God that He wants me to be happy.  Father, please help me.