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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

  • Sorry


    Sorry to dissapoint but I've barely ate anything this week.  No breakfast, no lunch and just a dinner.  My trousers feel looser today too oh dear.  M was grumpy this morning and I walked out without saying goodbye.  He's text me apologising and telling me he loves me very much.  Whatever.

    I'm very confused today.  I've decided not to eat breakfast or lunch and only a dinner at night.  I don't want to obsess over calories & think about food every day and all day though so I won't be posting calorie in-take or my weight because I won't be weighing myself or counting the calories.  I know what is low fat/cal and what I can get away with eating I've been in this game for over 5 years  The number isn't important to me just how I look, so, instead of numbers I'll post pics.

    Back to living on pain killers, coffee & water.

    x

    *EDIT*

    Thank you for the tip (in my comments) but it's more complicated than that.  I live with someone who knows I suffer with an eating disorder.  I've got down to my lowest weight by just eating a  small dinner once a day.

    *EDIT*

    Spent 30mins of my lunch break looking round the shops.  I'm completely broke & couldn't even afford a £7 top so I don't no why I tortured myself.  I got back to my desk around 12:35pm and read my book for the remainder of the lunch break.  I've had a few coffee's & a black tea so far today.  M is cooking dinner & will have it ready for me when I get home at 6pm.  After dinner I will take my puppy, Maximus, out for his 30min walk.  Then me & M need to sit down and talk money.  Not looking forward to that :0(

    Stomach is growling and I feel very hungry.  I have missed the feeling.  Miss my hipbones more though - where are they???

    x



Tuesday, August 19, 2008

  • Just came over all teary.  Horrible feeling when I'm at work surrounded by my colleagues.

    Suddenly felt the urge to give up recovery.  Can't deal with the tighter waistbands, bloated tummy & all round fullness.

    Having a very stressful time at the moment in life & with what I see in the mirror.  Feel like I'm falling back - back to wanting those things I shouldn't because I want to be healthy & happy.

    Am I happy now??  Sometimes.  Then there are days like today that I miss it all.  The dedication to it.  The body I see in the mirror.  The comments.

    I'm still spotty and I still have headaches.  I even have purple nails today yet I've managed to put on almost 10 pounds.  So even as a fatty I'm not perfect so why bother.  I might as well be spotty & have headaches whilst weighing 112 pounds and looking amazing.

    Not decided yet though...........

    Stupid fat face.



Monday, August 18, 2008

Friday, August 15, 2008

  • Hey

    Some of those feelings keep creeping back in.  I've barely gained any weight and most gain is from muscle because I work out 2-3 times a week now mainly at the weekend.

    I've got a job interview at 3:30pm.  There are numerous coffee shops and little cafes near by that I've already scouted out.  Places I could go at lunch and buy a black coffee & read a book for the hour to pass the time.  It was a goal of mine before I started to recover to get a new job somewhere with more shops to hide out in.

    I'm worried if I get a new job I'll start all over again??  The stress alone of starting a new job will hinder me.  I don't know what to do?



Monday, August 11, 2008

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