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Thursday, September 25, 2008

  • I really can't believe myself. I got home, binged, and purged. Twice. What the fuck needs to hit me in the head so that I stop eating?

    I can't believe myself.

    Today a teacher said that I lost a lot of weight, she almost didn't recognize me. "You look great."
    Then there was this kid on the main staircase, going verrry slow. You know the kind, the jokester slowing everybody down so that they're late for class and all his friends will laugh and pat him on the back. So I pushed him, because I'm a bitch and nobody else was doing anything. He turned around and said "Don't touch me" then something about grease. I have no idea what he said, I was carrying a salad, was he trying to imply I was an obese fuck for eating a salad? I later asked a friend who was present if the boy called me fat, because it had really been bothering me. My friend just looked at me kind of sadly and said, "No." Does that mean he did call me fat? Or that I'm insane for thinking that he did?

    I'm fat. A fat, fat, fuck. I can't believe it. I'm almost in tears.
    I need to be back under 110lbs by monday.
    GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

  • Newsflash: I hate myself.
    I might possibly be pregnant. I've taken two pregnancy tests, both came back negative. But since I'm a constant pessimist, I'm assuming that I have a small human dividing cells in my uterus. If this turns out to be true, I need to make $400 and have an abortion, without my friends/family/strangers finding out. I am very worried about this. I won't think about it all day, and then all of a sudden I'll have an anxiety attack at night.

    I'm fucking fat. I've gained a good 4 pounds. I don't know my exact weight, but with clothes I'm 113. So maybe I'm 112lbs? I need to get rid of this. I haven't been eating too much, either. The weight seems to magically have appeared, which is completely bullshit. Solution: Simply not eat.

    Fuck food, fuck fat, fuck anxiety.
    Fuck this.

    I want to cut. So bad, so bad. I know my boy will be dissapointed if I do.
    So now I'm weighing the pros and cons. Do I really care?
    Maybe just one. Just one little slash, it'll make me feel better, take away some of the pain. It's worth the momentary gain.

Friday, September 12, 2008

  • 108.8

    Longer update on Saturday night, after I get home from my big weekend.
    It's freezing now, and it's only September.
    My hair is falling out. It might be from stress, it might be from my eating habits.
    Well, when it all falls out, I can wear awesome wigs.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

  • Who's excited about LHC starting up tonight? I am! Oh my goodness, I am. I'm not getting my hopes up for the eventual discovery of where mass comes from originally (read: how the universe started), but I do hope that CERN discovers if gravitons are real or not. Imagine that, 11 dimensions. Woowie.
    And the Grid! Oh gosh, so much bigger than the Web. I doubt that the Web will be replaced by the Grid in the near future, but maybe someday, when the Grid gains the potential needed to be commercial.
    If you have no idea what I'm talking about, google "LHC". And then google "the Grid LHC." It's a bit complicated, but very exciting. If black holes do form, and suck in the Earth (not going to happen, but some people believe they may with the start of LHC), at least you'll understand why. Woo hoo! I'm staying up to watch the live broadcast.

    Still 110. I think. I'll know for certain tomorrow, I'll update quickly tomorrow morning.

    I wore a dress the other day, and a few people mentioned how skinny I looked. One person said that my legs got really skinny, hah. Legs. Skinny. Hah. Don't make me laugh.

    Binged and purged three times today. Fasting until Friday, when I have a double dinner date with my boy. Then on Saturday we go to a concert (Reagan Youth). Hopefully I'll be around 106, 105.

    I want to talk to him about deep issues. My past, the abuse, the fear, the death. But I don't want to be baggage, or make myself look weak. I am not weak. I simply starve so that I don't have to deal with these issues and expose my weaker side. Either my eating disorder has control, or my past does. I understand my eating habits, they are in my comfort zone. Exploring my past would put me in unknown territory, and I just don't want to deal with that.

    I'm in a nerdy mood. Bring me that LHC!

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

  • He makes my heart flutter. He makes me so happy, even during times like now, when I'm depressed. But I can't talk to him about my depression, my eating disorder. He would handle it lovely, he probably knows. But I just can't bring myself to talk about it. All this...baggage. It's disgusting.

    My childhood came back to me in a flash. I saw a guy today who looked exactly like The Man. It didn't bother me at the time, but now that I'm alone, smoking my fourth cigarette in a row, I can't help but think about it. My boy noticed earlier how sad, withdrawn I was. He asked if anything was wrong, I said no, because I didn't have an exact reason to explain how I was feeling. Seriously, this boy picks up on my emotions faster than I do.

    God, I need sleep.
    I need to forget about everything.

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