Yeah so nobody gets on here anymore or reads eachothers blogs anymore but what the hell?? I need to talk to somebody so I guess you, computer, will have to suffice.

Since the breakeup, I've slipped back into my old habits and for once....I don't feel bad about it. I could care less if my family finds out again...

I DON'T CARE!

So, bitches if you're reading my shit again...mind your own fucking business....I don't need help, I'm not that bad off really....And if you try to get me help, you will seriously regret it. I have people in my life other than you that actually help me out with my disorder. Yeah, I don't like eating....at all....and that will never change. You ever heard that eating disorders aren't curable?

Well it's TRUE!

Because you will feel better about yourself for a little while, but once something bad happens you will always go back. ALWAYS. I have. This shit started in the 7th grade. I'm a fucking senior and I still struggle. I've recovered twice and yet I still go back.

But I've accepted this and like I said before I don't care. My disorder has been there for me time and time again more than my family, more than my friends, and more than my partners. It is a safety blanket that will always be there....no matter how many times I leave, I know that I can come back and it will be like I never left. I can always rely on that, I can always rely on cutting, and I can always rely on the fact that I will bever reallllly be happy. Sure I can be almost happy to the point of everything is going good but there will always be something missing.

POT.
ANOREXIA.
SELF-MUTILATION.

All of these things were missed when I was with him.

SO....was I happy?? NO.

I know I'm jumping from subject to subject but I am just talking....so back to what I was saying.

I wasn't happy with him because all of those things were taken away, besides the fact that he was an asshole....and that he treated me like shit but anywho....yeah.

Can't ramble anymore...Dads coming.

MUAH!

I dream myself a million times around the world, but I can't get out of this place.

Well, it's been awhile.

I'm now weighing in at about 102. I gained 9 pounds, and I'm almost happy about it, almost sad about it. Happy, because I'm making progress, getting better. Sad, because I miss it. Even though it was a horrible year, yeah....I still fucking miss that shit. Starving, feeling the weight just dropping off of my already frail body. People coming up to me and saying "OMG! You're so SKINNY!".
Yeah...I miss that.

But, oh well, right? I have to keep moving. I'm done, I"ll probably write in another month or two.

LOVE YOU GUYS BUNCHES!

//edit//

.*Eating Disorder Survey*.
General
Age?:	17
Height?:	5'2"-5'3''
Weight?:	102.
Lowest Weight?:	93.
Highest Weight?:	125.
What weight do you want to weigh?:	Hmm...always wanted to be 90.
What eating disorder do you have?:	Anorexia.
In Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?:	Lowest would be none, other than that...I'm not sure like 500?
Do you throw up your food on occasion?:	Only when I feel guilty and way too full.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?:	Of course.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?:	No.
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?:	Yeah.
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?:	I fasted for like one day, but this was in between my recovery and shit.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?:	No.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?:	Yes.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?:	No, thank God, if there is one.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?:	No, but I've wanted to.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?:	I'm trying right now.
Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?:	When I was 125, yes I did. But it's not always that you think you're fat, it just that you aren't skinny enough...
What part of your body would you change?:	My theighs, my stomch, and my back...I want more bony-ness.
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?:	Probably like a 5. Half and half.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?:	Pretty much. If I'm not weighing a certain amount, I still feel like I'm good enough, even if the reflection in the mirror looks ok.
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?:	Yes.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?:	Yes. And friends.
Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough?:	Yes.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?:	A little bit still.
Fat grams?:	Hmm...kinda.
Calories?:	Yes, calories still affect me.
Are you often tired/fatigued?:	I'm always tired!
Do you feel more energised after eating food?:	No. Never...I always feel like I'm about to explode, and then I get groggy.
Do you eat meat?:	Yeah, but not alot.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc.:	Yeah, I take a bite of everything and then start over with the first bite.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?:	Yes, all the time.
Have you ever thrown up blood?:	No, thank God.
Is your heart bpm above 49?:	I don't know.
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?:	Well, I developed hypoglycemia from not eating and I did have really bad dizzy spells when I didn't eat. And my heart used to flutter alot.
Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?:	It's really hard to say. I think that some of deals with how you were raised, what you've been through, how much other people's opinion of you matters, and the media plays a small part for most anorexic girls that I know.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?:	I think that there are two groups of pro-ana. There's the group that is stupid and encourages anorexia and bulimia and EDNOS. Then there's the group that I support, and that is the one with the people who coalesce together to help eachother along in this disease that is so hard to get over.
Do you have any other mental disorders? ie Bipolar, BDD, etc.:	SAD(seasonal affective disorder), um Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, atleast I think I have that one.
What's your favourite food to eat?:	Chinese food.
Favourite drink?:	Diet drinks, coffee, and water.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?:	Yes, and sometimes, I wish I could go back.
Do you want to recover?:	Yeah, I do.

Hey you guyssssssssssssssssss

I know I haven't posted in forever. But I check up on everyone of you on my subscriptions every chance I get.

I'm 96 lbs the last time I checked. But I feel like I've lost more. But don't jump to conclusions, I didn't relapse or anything....I actually got very sick and stopped eating due to loss of appetite. My family got worried! OMG....poor Lyndsay gotta get her a psychiatrist/psychologist. Yeah....everyone f.r.e.a.k.e.d. But I kept telling them....I'm ok, I'm ok. But do they ever listen? My mom gave me $30 for a gift for my father on Father's Day, and she said...spend $10 of that on some food for you. You need to EAT! God....chill out peoples.

I'm a vegetarian now.

Yep, They even thought that I was trying to loose weight by becoming a Veg. I just feel bad for the poor aminals. But yeah, comment if you read this it would be great to hear from all of you again. I'm sorry if you guys thought I abandoned you, but it's complicated. Basically my family found this site, so I can't really post personal shit anymore....Whatever, that's all I'm gonna say, I guess. But yes, I love you all and goodnight!