SleepingInDecember's Xanga

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 22:16:54 GMT

Yeah so nobody gets on here anymore or reads eachothers blogs anymore but what the hell?? I need to talk to somebody so I guess you, computer, will have to suffice.

Since the breakeup, I've slipped back into my old habits and for once....I don't feel bad about it. I could care less if my family finds out again...

I DON'T CARE!

So, bitches if you're reading my shit again...mind your own fucking business....I don't need help, I'm not that bad off really....And if you try to get me help, you will seriously regret it. I have people in my life other than you that actually help me out with my disorder. Yeah, I don't like eating....at all....and that will never change. You ever heard that eating disorders aren't curable?

Well it's TRUE!

Because you will feel better about yourself for a little while, but once something bad happens you will always go back. ALWAYS. I have. This shit started in the 7th grade. I'm a fucking senior and I still struggle. I've recovered twice and yet I still go back.

But I've accepted this and like I said before I don't care. My disorder has been there for me time and time again more than my family, more than my friends, and more than my partners. It is a safety blanket that will always be there....no matter how many times I leave, I know that I can come back and it will be like I never left. I can always rely on that, I can always rely on cutting, and I can always rely on the fact that I will bever reallllly be happy. Sure I can be almost happy to the point of everything is going good but there will always be something missing.

POT.
ANOREXIA.
SELF-MUTILATION.

All of these things were missed when I was with him.

SO....was I happy?? NO.

I know I'm jumping from subject to subject but I am just talking....so back to what I was saying.

I wasn't happy with him because all of those things were taken away, besides the fact that he was an asshole....and that he treated me like shit but anywho....yeah.

Can't ramble anymore...Dads coming.

MUAH!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 20:19:05 GMT

They told me "almost 106".

I dream myself a million times around the world, but I can't get out of this place.

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 18:56:30 GMT

Well, it's been awhile.

I'm now weighing in at about 102. I gained 9 pounds, and I'm almost happy about it, almost sad about it. Happy, because I'm making progress, getting better. Sad, because I miss it. Even though it was a horrible year, yeah....I still fucking miss that shit. Starving, feeling the weight just dropping off of my already frail body. People coming up to me and saying "OMG! You're so SKINNY!".
Yeah...I miss that.

But, oh well, right? I have to keep moving. I'm done, I"ll probably write in another month or two.

LOVE YOU GUYS BUNCHES!

//edit//

**.Eating Disorder Survey.**
General
Age?:	17
Height?:	5'2"-5'3''
Weight?:	102.
Lowest Weight?:	93.
Highest Weight?:	125.
What weight do you want to weigh?:	Hmm...always wanted to be 90.
What eating disorder do you have?:	Anorexia.
In Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?:	Lowest would be none, other than that...I'm not sure like 500?
Do you throw up your food on occasion?:	Only when I feel guilty and way too full.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?:	Of course.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?:	No.
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?:	Yeah.
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?:	I fasted for like one day, but this was in between my recovery and shit.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?:	No.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?:	Yes.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?:	No, thank God, if there is one.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?:	No, but I've wanted to.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?:	I'm trying right now.
Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?:	When I was 125, yes I did. But it's not always that you think you're fat, it just that you aren't skinny enough...
What part of your body would you change?:	My theighs, my stomch, and my back...I want more bony-ness.
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?:	Probably like a 5. Half and half.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?:	Pretty much. If I'm not weighing a certain amount, I still feel like I'm good enough, even if the reflection in the mirror looks ok.
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?:	Yes.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?:	Yes. And friends.
Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough?:	Yes.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?:	A little bit still.
Fat grams?:	Hmm...kinda.
Calories?:	Yes, calories still affect me.
Are you often tired/fatigued?:	I'm always tired!
Do you feel more energised after eating food?:	No. Never...I always feel like I'm about to explode, and then I get groggy.
Do you eat meat?:	Yeah, but not alot.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc.:	Yeah, I take a bite of everything and then start over with the first bite.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?:	Yes, all the time.
Have you ever thrown up blood?:	No, thank God.
Is your heart bpm above 49?:	I don't know.
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?:	Well, I developed hypoglycemia from not eating and I did have really bad dizzy spells when I didn't eat. And my heart used to flutter alot.
Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?:	It's really hard to say. I think that some of deals with how you were raised, what you've been through, how much other people's opinion of you matters, and the media plays a small part for most anorexic girls that I know.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?:	I think that there are two groups of pro-ana. There's the group that is stupid and encourages anorexia and bulimia and EDNOS. Then there's the group that I support, and that is the one with the people who coalesce together to help eachother along in this disease that is so hard to get over.
Do you have any other mental disorders? ie Bipolar, BDD, etc.:	SAD(seasonal affective disorder), um Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, atleast I think I have that one.
What's your favourite food to eat?:	Chinese food.
Favourite drink?:	Diet drinks, coffee, and water.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?:	Yes, and sometimes, I wish I could go back.
Do you want to recover?:	Yeah, I do.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 21:23:24 GMT

You know what is really frustrating? LIKE....really pissing me off?
The fact that...
no matter how hard I try to get better and gain weight, I keep loosing!

I'm 93 lbs now.

And now that I'm trying to get better, I'm not happy about it. Before, when I wanted to be 95 lbs more than anything, I would have killed to be 93. But now? It just frustrates me. OH FUCKING WELL. I'm tired of trying.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 00:57:48 GMT

Hey you guyssssssssssssssssss

I know I haven't posted in forever. But I check up on everyone of you on my subscriptions every chance I get.

I'm 96 lbs the last time I checked. But I feel like I've lost more. But don't jump to conclusions, I didn't relapse or anything....I actually got very sick and stopped eating due to loss of appetite. My family got worried! OMG....poor Lyndsay gotta get her a psychiatrist/psychologist. Yeah....everyone f.r.e.a.k.e.d. But I kept telling them....I'm ok, I'm ok. But do they ever listen? My mom gave me $30 for a gift for my father on Father's Day, and she said...spend $10 of that on some food for you. You need to EAT! God....chill out peoples.

I'm a vegetarian now.

Yep, They even thought that I was trying to loose weight by becoming a Veg. I just feel bad for the poor aminals. But yeah, comment if you read this it would be great to hear from all of you again. I'm sorry if you guys thought I abandoned you, but it's complicated. Basically my family found this site, so I can't really post personal shit anymore....Whatever, that's all I'm gonna say, I guess. But yes, I love you all and goodnight!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 14:07:50 GMT

It's so hard not to want this anymore.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 21:11:23 GMT

CW: 104.5

I weighed in last friday and I gained half a pound. I don't really have very much to say about it...Just updating and shit.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 01:38:10 GMT

So...I told my counselor about my eating disorder and suprisingly enough he didn't call my parents. ( People that don't know me from my first entries, that's what he did when he found out about the self-injury)

So, we've been meeting weekly for about a month now and the last time I weighed in I was 104. So, I've gained 3 pounds. I'm getting better, you guys. I'm actually happy.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:03:29 GMT

I don't have much to write about my life right now, but here is the letter that I was talking about in my last entry. A letter to "Ana".

Dear Ana,

Hello again. It's been quite awhile, and I can't say how much I miss you. But the truth is, it's hard to breathe without you here. Every morning I wake and there's a longing in my heart for the comfort that you provided for me before I lost you. You always seemed to know that I couldn't live without you, if I ever dared to try. Sleep comes at the most stubborn of hours, and eating is a tiresome chore that I am already bored of doing 3 times a day 7 days a week. When I first left you I was 107 lbs, which was already underweight anyway, and now I am only 101. I know that you would congratulate me and tell me to keep on, but even though I do miss you terribly, you scare me. Because I know that with you, I would spiral out of control and reach my first goal weight of 95lbs. But would I stop there? Probably not. Sometimes your lingering voice in my head of memories past make me want to start all over. And if Jed ever read's this, realize that this is the anorexia in me wanting to be skinny and beautiful and he is the only one I care about enough to try and stop this disease by myself. Without him, I would be anorexic without worrying that I would hurt him. He is the only reason I keep trying. I miss you anorexia...

Here's a quote from my favorite movie Girl, Interrupted.

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
Drugs cause cramps;
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful,
You might as well live!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 14:32:43 GMT

CW: 101 lbs (I swear I didn't lose weight on purpose, it just happened.)

The ups and downs of recovering from this disease have left my head spinning. One day, like my last entry, I believe that I am almost better and things began looking up. And then the next day or week, whatever, I miss anorexia so much that my heart hurts. I wrote a letter to "Ana" yesterday during class, and it was one of those days that I was missing it so bad, and I did not want to eat at all.

It is so hard to live with this disease. It seems like no matter what I do, I can not rid my mind and body from it. It seems like every day becomes a bigger hassle, and I'm making myself crazy...I know that this disease is stupid....I know that if I go back to what I was like, I would kill myself. I would go so far and I would end up being like 70 or below. I mean I don't fucking know, I'm not bragging about my will to restrain my self from eating or the fact that I'm such a great anorexic, haha. But I'm just saying...I'm sick. And I know this I mean there are so many mental illnesses that I've diagnosed myself with. Because I never gone to see a psychologist, but I have all the symptoms and shit. Like, seasonal affective disorder, borderline personality disorder, the thing with cutting which there isn't a actual disorder named for that...unless you want to call it self-injury. And then there's of course Anorexia Nervosa. Whatever, I'm sure you who's reading this doesn't care about my fucked up mind. But what my original point was that I want it back, anorexia, but then again I don't cause it does scare me. It scares me to death. Because I would die, I know this, I know it for a fact. But I guess I'm done. I haven't really been getting many comments so if you read this please let me know that you have...cause I feel very unread. I know, I know fucking sob story from Lyndsay...but oh well!!!! Leave me one! Oh, here's some lyrics to a song that I'm currently obsessed with.

Autumn's Monolouge

Oh why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me.
But I'm nothing so good
No, I'm nothing...
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence, of love, and of sorrow.
I beg for just one more tomorrow!
Where you'd hold me down, fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins.

I break in two over you
I break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me. You dont.

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light,
bleached and blinded by these nights.
Where I'm tossing and tortured till dawn
by you, visions of you, then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face,
when I hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you...

I break in two over you
I break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you dont see me. You don't.

I break in two over you
I break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me. You don't.

I break in two over you,
I break in two over you! Over you
I break in two,
I would break in two for you.
Now you see me, now you don't.
Now you need me, now you don't.