Strictly Business..

When did life become strictly business - whatever you put in is what you get out?

Whatever happened to pleasure ..is that considered againist the norm now.

I think I shall pursue the hedonistic ..what was it again?

I'm lonely.

Unrequited...Falling in Love?

Its weird that everytime I think that things have evolved to a new level and express as such – and subsequently get shut down – that I fall back from where I was more and more. I’ve never really had the feeling that a person I am seeing would be at such a different place than I was – it has never really happened as such, mainly because I thought that my sense of where they were was quite in tune..however this time it hasn’t been “on the money" so to speak..at all.

I initially expressed my falling for said boy only months into our relationship -- mind you, we had known each other for years before this and it was not some rookie mistake. I did not say I love you -- I didn't love DQ at the time, and actually still don't, however I felt that somehow our relationship had progressed farther than the crush, than the I like you phase and farther than that phase where things are all new -- we had come to a comfortable place (or so I thought) and I wanted to somehow express my happiness with all the developments ..of course in my stupidity I let these things fall out of my mouth after nights of drunken ..drunken anything actually..and after sometime I thought may have fallen on equally as drunk ears (which may have no appreciated my sincerity)

In fact, they had been heard -- and interpreted as a lovestruck teenager pining over her much older crush -- it was interpreted as awww thats so cute I'm glad that you do..bullfuckingshit basically. I hated that I had let myself tell a boy that I had progressed in my interest only to be misinterpreted as some groupie of love. Frustration!!!

Anyway -- following said developments I started to seethe with anger that I had let my guard down -- what the hell was I thinking, losing sight of one of the rules that I live by -- never give into the ego of a man..aaaahhhhhhhh

However, right about this time - the boy gave me every reason to transition this self-hatred onto him by explaining that yes he had in fact held back in our relationship to do a residual love for his ex girlfriend -- oh JOY! and he had in fact at one point acted on this..EVEN FUCKING BETTER

Months went by with arguments becoming worse and worse -- obviously trust became a thing of the past on my end and I kept thinking that I should end it - and yet could not bring myself too. And then, just about a week before new years..with my deliberations about taking breaks or breaking up now out loud for him to hear..he takes the initiative to begin a break..AGAIN! I let myself be taken for a ride..he again with the upper hand..fucking men.

Time passed and we worked things out and we began to really enjoy each other minus the anger, trust issues and the other..people. So here we are again, and I once again want to express to him that we have made it through the woods and here it goes with a whisper to his ear at night that " I think I am falling in love with you.."

And then...NOTHING. JackFUCKINGshit..okay 5 months into a relationship and 5.5 years of knowing each other may have been a bit soon to say that however understand i never said..I AM in love with  you..but still no reinforcement to my feelings.

Here I lay, in bed at home thinking shot down twice..burned to a crisp..there is no way that I will say it again..But I guess we shall see a few months from now.

Except that the catch this time is that being burned like that makes it even harder for me to rise back up..the first time not to bad, I thought the lack of feeling was because of a situation..but now I realize it may just be us, and me. I'll give it another few months I guess..and reevaluate then, how to be with a man who doesn't love me is a mystery I would rather leave to some other curious soul.

Goodnight.

Confusion its nothing new..flashback

the big 2-0 is still coming up...instead of focusing on school all I can think about is Love and Life and what a life without love would really be like

I wonder if my ideas about Love are that of a young girl or that of a woman.
I never used to compare relationships, I used to take them just at face value for what they were..the idealized love, the badboy romp, the good friendship that evolved..all just taken for what they were. Of course I would dwell here and there on aspects of the other even if I was happy in another, but never wishing that the one I was in was something that it was not.

After a particular incident however I realize that most people compare their relationships on figurative venn diagrams and compare people like jackets or sweaters..and I wonder if all this time I have just been doing it wrong, and that is the way I am supposed to find my prince and learn from all these mistakes (if you would call them that). I realize that now--even if I take each of these instances as isolated incidences-- the other party will be sitting and thinking that shaina isn't my badgirl romp (she doesn't come close because she can't tie a cherry with her tongue) and she isn't the idealized love (shes a bit tooo goofy for that) and she may be the good friend that evolved but what fun is that? I would much rather be with the other two..

The problem with being friends first generally in some peoples eyes is that -- especially guys -- is that there never really is that amazing beginning, with the lust and the obsession -- aka limmerance-- that gives that feeling of butterflies and anxiety about missing and falling in love with a person so fast that you can't even catch your breath. Granted that sometimes it doesn't happen this way and its so unexpected and so crazy that you still get the best of both worlds and then -- its just amazing. I'm making no sense at all.

The bottom line is..I want to be in love. Why am I not? It was always so easy for me to fall in and out of love -- at least easy for me to fall into it..out, not so much actually.

Maybe I'm not looking in the right places, maybe I'm settling for comfort and expectations and perpetuating a cycle without even realizing it. I'm not sure..I keep getting warnings and friends who tell me that listen this isn't for you, this isn't shaina. The more I find out the more scared I get that I'm making the wrong decisions, and now, maybe its the coffee, and maybe its the anxiety of getting older but I have the wrong kinds of butterflies in my stomach -- or maybe they are the right kind of butterflies -- but I decided ever since a particular relationship that butterflies were not for me, it hurts too much and they never last (and if they do for you they don't last for the other person).

I am just a hopeless romantic, waiting for someone equally as hopeless to just sweep me off my feet and tell me its okay for me to expect the fairy tales because clearly they were thought up by someone -- and at some point must have been real

I really don't know anymore ... forget it. Just flow with it. and hopefully it will all work out in the end.

Almost Two Decades Old Entry -- 20s here we come

It has been an interesting year since I took the time to stop and bitch last..the start of my 20s, really?

For some reason more than any other decade of my life, my 20s have scared and excited me the most. It seems that since as early as I remember I associated it with glitz and glamour, and all of the things life should be about. As I grew older I began to associate actual events with the 20s --

- 21 as the age of real adulthood, drinking and not pretending that I was older or younger than I really was
- 22 as the age when I have finally arrived, graduate from college, enter med school and establish myself (finally!)
- 23 as when I really want to be in love and start my life with someone else having spent the last 3 years really doing me
-24 when I experience what it means to be a doctor
- 25 when I acquire the two letters i've been waiting for my whole life
- 26 hopefully having a little me running around somewhere
- 27 two years of residents salary maybe leading to a really shitty house and car--but they would be fruits of my labor which I would never forget
- 28/29 ending my residency and bringing it all to a close, finding a "real" job thats right for me,

and in a few weeks, I'll be beginning this whirlwind of a decade, and wow am I scared

I hardly think from 10-19 was really worthwhile. Sure I did some incredibly stupid things that are kind of necessary in order to grow up, but nothing I can really say that I am proud of and want everyone in the world to know about. I've had my moments - i'll give you that, shining moments and those that are totally idiotic (and haven't been forgotten to date - much to my dismay -- damn you high school) But I guess I'm going to miss the ages where doing something stupid or idiotic or spur of the moment could be brushed off as youthful indiscretions and mistakes -- of course I say this stepping into the ages where any of these given actions would be frowned upon. Now will be the time of classy and sophisticated..and even though I've waited a long time to stop playing dress up and actually dress up -- I can't decide if I"m really ready to give it all up and just grow up.

I've been thinking about that alot lately -- I've spent so long giving up my youth and acting like an adult much earlier than anyone should and yet now that its flying out the door in about a months time I'm having second thoughts. Did I do this right? Did I really enjoy the last 19 years the way the 19 years should have been enjoyed?

And what about Now? I'm still 19 -- and yet alot of things are before me that seem to be already decided. My career, and pretty much my life path. Am I ready for this type of committment? Maybe I should take a step back, it is scary after all and I feel like I'm falling down some kind of rabbit hole -- the kind in Alice in Wonderland, the never-ending acid trip kind.

Maybe its time to just let loose for a few weeks, let it flow and let it go. Just warning the world now, I am not accountable for the time until my birthday -- and probably even the few days after that.

life is more precious than you can ever imagine..

can you ever imagine not having thoughts? not being able to move, see the lights of day, feel the wind on your neck or hold those you love close..emptiness doesn't define it because feeling empty is still a feeling. imagine nothingness and there you are..in death. ages arent looked at for what they really mean, celebrating getting older like its a blessing..l