Spring Break

Well this has been a spring break that I don't want to remember. I moved out of the jerks apartment last thursday. I am glad to be out but my mother is driving me crazy with questions about why it happened. At least dad will just let it be. I had to take off school on friday so that I could have my tonsilles out. Many did that hurt. I will spare you the gory details, but lets just say it was very painful. They still hurt, but I have to go back to school tomorrow. That sucks, I wish I had another week still to feel better. Oh well, no rest for the weary. Ah yes school, what am I going to do. So far I am a little bit behind on some stuff, but if a big project comes along I don't think I will still be floating along so easily. Talk about drowning. Anyway, I think that I can get it done but who knows. I also have to get my new apartment ready for the last 6 weeks of the semester. I guess I have to have some place to live, but I wish that it could have been here at home. As much tension as I have with mom, I still love it here more that anywhere else in the world. I have so much doubt about the future right now. It all appears very cloudy.

Currently Listening Simply Baroque see related

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh

Why can't life go as planned. College was supposed to be full of good memories and not too many bad. I feel like the bad outweigh the good. Somebody please take my life away. I don't want it anymore. I am feeling so stressed out right now because everything is coming to a climax all at once. I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't want to live like this.

Update on the jerks. I noticed this evening that they deleted me from all of their facebook profiles. Yah what great friends they turned out to be. Also they decided to move my stuff in the fridge to make room for their stupid pudding. They basically hid all of my stuff from sight. I really would just like to slap them right now. But I have more dignity than that. They are not going to break me. I have tried to be nice to them the past few weeks, but I have seen no return effort. And they say that they are scared of me! I feel like I can't really talk to anyone anymore. It is horrible to even think about that place anymore. I would rather just go home, where it's safe.

Dad says that next year I can rent an apartment off campus just for me. I am glad, because I need a break from other people and their crap. I have enough of my own to sort through, let alone trying to get along with a bunch of other girls. Girls really suck. I wish that I could fit in better but I don't. And no amount of living with other people is going to change that.

Coop interviews are next week. Of course I haven't yet prepared anything for them. And I have practice interviews tomorrow night. I am picking up some good tips though, ones that I will hopefully be able to use. If I can get the stuff about myself together by tomorrow, then I should be ok for the practice ones. It's hard to deal with a society that has upfront rules and then hidden rules as well. I don't like this game that I have to play. WHY can't people just be proud of what they do and celebrate that as their victories? Guess I will never know.

Currently Listening Schindler's List: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack By John Williams, Itzhak Perlman see related

My Story

Stacy the RA sent me the email below.

Hey Audrey

Let me first apologize for last night. I know it just added to your already full plate. I do think it was somewhat good for you 3 (I wish Allison was around) to get some things in the open. Hopefully your test went well!!

I wanted to thank you for something you said that really struck me. It was in regards to the cleaning and mentioning "Hey I cleaned." You brought up something awesome that "you should be proud in what you do and celebrate it." It has definitely resonated with me today and made me think of some things that have been going on in my life a bit differently.

Please let me know if you need anything. I hate seeing people upset, especially awesome musicians like you!

Best, Stacy

First, let me tell you that I have never received such a complement that I made someone else think about their life in a different way. I am truly honored by her words. Secondly, Everything that I talked about last night seemed to come as a surprise for the roomies. Points that have frustrated me for months. I really do think that it is just a big miscommunication between us but that does not repair damage already done. I feel that they betrayed my trust and my trust is THE LARGEST GIFT that I can give to someone. Once you betray that trust, you probably will never get it back. It may sound harsh, but I do this for a reason. I have been betrayed by friends before, friends that I trusted. I got hurt and basically became a social ghost for junior high and high school. I could float between groups of people but I could never stay with one. I was fine to talk with when a persons social click was not around but as soon as the click was together it was like I didn't even exist. So I was a ghost.

I had to grow up fast in high school. My grandmother's lymphoma took hold of her after 9 years of battle. Mom was usually up taking care of her especially during my junior and senior years of high school. It was harder on her than it was on me. She would spend the week with grandma and then race back home to see me march in Saturday competitions, do laundry, and then would rush back to grandma's sunday night. I had to take care of myself because she was gone and Dad was working. The worst part was that I was mad at my mom for not being home for me, even though she was taking care of my grandmother. And I was mad at my grandmother, whom I still loved very much, for taking my mom away from me.

The event I feel the worst about is that about two weeks before she died, my mom asked me to come up and stay with Grandma while she went home to do some laundry. Grandma got upset and tried to get my mom to stay. I tried to reason with Grandma, but she turned her feelings onto me. I got so upset and mad that I left a few hours later. I was mad at her the last time I saw her before she went into the hospital. I was mad... why couldn't it have been a happy time with her. Instead, I stormed out, not even telling her that I loved her. Of course I told her that while she was in the hospital but it still dosen't make a difference. I was mad at someone I truely loved. Grandma died two weeks after this happened. It was a month to the day of my high school graduation, and less than a month after my 19th birthday. I feel responsible for her death, even though I know it was the blasted cancer that took her. She was a brave woman, fighting it for 13 years. But I still miss her.

I still identify with music, but I perfer solos or movie music because they are moody and I feel like they suit me better than pop or even marching band music. If I sing, it usually is a moody song, even if the material is happy. It can just be too hard to be happy. So I need my time to myself to think, reflect, wonder, and just try to deal with the world. On the surface, it is very easy to be happy, but inside, a torrent of emoations run through me, like a raging river. Yes I can still be happy, but I can also be sad, lonely, joyful, plesent, or quiet. I like to think, and I need time to think. I do not want to act rashly or to offend anyone. I am cautious, precious, and fragile, even if I don't look or act that way. But I am also brave, strong, and loyal. There is so much about me, and it takes a long time to get to know me. If you can treat me like a puzzle box, each clue will eventually put together the whole puzzle and reveal the treasure that is me inside. But I only work if all the pieces are put in correctly. I am a dignified jewel, waiting to be found. Treat me with respect, treasure me, and you will reap the benefits of my friendship. Destroy me, and I will break into pieces, never to be restored to my former glory again.

In any condition, this is my story. You can take it or leave it. But think about it before you leave it. Think about how you treat others and why others treat you in the manor that they do. Are you giving of yourself or are you taking advantage of someone else. Try to give more than you receive. And always hold your head high and take pride in yourself and what you accomplish. Even if is as small as doing the dishes for someone. Don't become bitter, something that I have learned this semester, but don't let people walk all over you. If you feel used, then do something about it. Only you have the power to change your situation. Only you have power over your life. Only you can treat others with the respect that the deserve (or don't deserve, but their still humans afterall). Only you have the power to forgive yourself for mistakes that you thought you made. I am still working on forgiving myself. I know that it's not my fault she died. But the only way I will feel better is if I can give myself some room to grow. I hope I can do that. I want to do that. But it will take time. Time is the one thing that I have that is still mine...

The Sickness

Well it's official, I have strep throat. I hate being sick. Oh yah, I almost forgot... I am going to have to get my tonsils out within the year. Hopefully it will help me not to catch strep so much. I hope so anyway. But for the next few days I am a walking petri dish for this thing. At least now I have drugs to fight it off again. I was going to suffer through it for a few days but I've had it enough that if I don't get it taken care of it starts to migrate to my other lymph nodes. Now that is not fun. The one time that that happened was when it went to my leg. I had to go see an infectious disease specialist and everything. Not fun, not fun, Not Fun!

In other news, I got my group project done today. It looks so cool. I still have to write an outline for tomorrow but I am thinking about waiting on that till the morning. I am getting too tired to do it still tonight. Plus I could use some sleep.

Stacey the RA stopped by a little while ago. We had a nice chat. She is a neat person to talk with. We are both concerned about the theft of our wall street journals. People take them that don't actually pay for them. And the cleaning crew throw them away too early. So we are both a little bit upset about our missing papers. Oh well, we can get it solved.

Well that’s about all for now. Nothing too interesting. Can't wait to be well and healthy again.

I hate my life

I should have seen it comming. An ambush, as I was eating dinner. She cornered me and tried to make me talk. She said that my alarm wakes her up. Not my problem, I am a heavy sleeper. Just deal with it. She tried to make me change. I already made up my mind not to. She said that I run away and hide. So what. I left, walked out on her. I hate them, I can't be myself around them. Only 3 more months until I never have to talk to them again. Thank god.

There is nothing wrong with running away from things. It is how I cope with stress. I will not change unless I want to, do not make me try. Yes I have emoations and feelings, but I hide them well, they are not supposed to be seen by anyone but their owner. A small crack or two is allowed once in a while for a true friend, but I can only think of one of those at the moment.

I don't know what I am going to do. I don't want to think about it. Relationships always hurt me. I don't trust them anymore. There is not a relationship that I have with another human being that has not hurt me. So I am going to guard my heart. Shut it away in a box and never let it get hurt again. I have had to mend it too many times. The next time it will break and I won't be able to put it back together again.

I don't care if you tell me that being close to someone else is worth it. To me, it's not. I will close off my heart. I will run away. I will be courtious to those I meet but I will not turely be close to them. My face will be stone. I can handel the business relationships in the work world. That is enough for me. No more.