It's going to be another of those nights, where I will just be closing my eyes when the sun's are opening; a sleepless and completely unproductive night.  I hate nights like these.  I hate moods like these.  It doesn't matter how many pills I take or how many meditative sessions I set aside, this night will be dreadful.  I always regret something when I wake up.  I usually end up taking the rest of my pills, however many that may be, and busy myself with stupid crafts.  Crafts that get thrown away right after they're finished.  Tonight, however, I think I may play Second Life.  I've installed and uninstalled that game so many times due to dissatisfaction, and tonight I will reinstall it.
     I'm not sure what I'm thinking right now.  I'm in such a confused state of mind, I hardly ever know what is happening and not happening around me.  I wander.  I'm always wandering.  I'm always confused.  Nothing really makes sense.  Just a big mess of motions.  I was driving home from the city tonight, and I realized the road is really long.  It would be so easy to keep driving past my turn, right into another distraction.  I think my life is pretend.  I don't know who I am.  I don't know what I want to do.  I don't know why anything is the way it is to me.  I've been distracting and diverting myself from myself my entire life.  I can find everything under the sun to devote my time and energy to, and until now I have thought I've been working towards a better understanding of my own being.  Realistically, though, I've done nothing more than walk around this dying shrub that is me.  I've known this forever, subconsciously.  There's always been some sort of greater energy inside of me that has been just out of my reach.  I can't express myself.  There's so many visions and images and emotions that are so big they need expressed, but I can't bring them out.  In any form.  No matter how hard I try, great things are left to die in my mind.  It's kind of like always running but never getting there.  I can't even begin to explain what is lost to myself and the world.  It's unbelievable.  This can't reside in everyone, or else they would have all killed themselves long before now.  It's completely life-numbing.  I don't know if it's a gift or some sort of misfortune.  It drives me nuts.  But it drives me, and that is what I'm holding on to.  I might be on some road to insanity, but it must be the scenic byway because I've been seeing incredible things.
     I am going to play some Second Life.  I don't know why I posted anything.

     I dreamt of you last night, dearest Xanga.  Not really, but it wouldn't have surprised me if I had.  I've been meaning to post something over these past few weeks, but somehow I never have time.  I usually have a handful of minutes every night that I don't do anything with, but somehow time always seems to jump from 8 PM to 4 AM before I even realize the clock struck 8.  This 'time' business isn't for me, guys.  I'm always late and the days aren't long enough.  I think it's time for me to transcend beyond this smoggy life of moments and live in, what some would call, chaos.  Maybe with things so open and neverending I might be able to get a hold on this day and night concept.
     I want to post about the trials and tribulations of the past few weeks, but I'm afraid I've let most of any emotion slide out of them.  I can explain, but it won't be heartfelt.  Since I've last posted, a portion of the shortcomings can be attributed to this move that I mentioned before.  Nearly 6 months ago it was "time for [my parents] to do something about Joe's problems."  Their solution was to get him far out of town where he had no connection to anything other than nature and his family.  This depended on his acceptance into Treynor High School, which fell through.  Instead, he attended Lewis Central High School.  This let him still be incredibly too close to all of the same (plus more) influences he had before.  Eventually the situation worsened and his influences were hardly the problem anymore.  He took it upon himself to further nurse his little problems.  Addicted to drugs and alcohol, he ran around with his conscience in his back pocket.  Have you ever heard of people putting their cell phones in their back pockets, then forgetting, sit on and break them?  Living a 30-minute drive away, trips to town had to be worthwhile (FU, gas prices).  His relationship with my parents was hanging on with a strand of 100% cotton thread and anything could snap it.  My parents were on the "you don't appreciate anything, so we won't give you anything" kick, so his rides to town were limited.  Usually he was allowed to ride in when someone had to run an errand, but getting home would rest upon him.  Most of the time he just didn't come home.  A week or so later, we find out that he has been using and abusing everything out there, shacking up in our old house.  After some thievery, suspicious dealings and completely idiotic choices, a warrant for his arrest was sent out the day after Easter.  That Monday he was taken to the Juvenile Detention Center and is there at least until his next court date in May.  None of this really holds resonance unless you know the past, however. 
     Five years of a progressively deteriorating family, home and life in general.  Things have clicked and unclicked within me during these past five years; in some ways I am thankful for the experience, but I can never forgive anyone for the things and times lost.  It's hard to see your brother die before you, bleeding and blue in the face.  It's hard to see your family slipping away from you, with nothing to bring them back.  It's hard to walk away from someone who obviously needs your help but will do anything in their power to reject it.  It's hard to breathe air filled with animosity, sadness and pain.  But it's easy to accept the things in life that are beautiful.  It's easy to love the colors of the earth, it's easy to love the smiles on your family's faces, it's easy to love the future and all it's possibilities.  I won't complain or reach out for sympathy, because something confirms the fact that the world won't stop spinning anytime soon.
     There's a lot I will leave out about my few weeks of absence; mostly due to the alluring thought of sleep.  More than likely I will post about some of it at a later date.  Anything of reigning importance, anyway.  With this, I hope I have satiated your hunger for another of my posts.

      The hills are beyond beautiful.  The skies are so dark I can see the stars spawning from the horizon.  Everything is so spacious; I can breathe.  The land goes on forever and the world really is a lot bigger than I once presumed.  I think I went crazy once, because I was so suffocated in this life.  I hated this world, this atmosphere, this gravity.  I imagined myself as a distant orb of pure energy that merely existed as a constant asexual organism, constantly breaking apart and living endlessly to whatever extent I pleased.  I use to feel I couldn't live on this earth because it was so confining and wouldn't allow me to achieve this goal: to be an expanding orb in space.  Now, though, I realize there is so much on earth that I've yet to explore.  Every pebble leads to another pebble and all deserve my infinite inspection.  You could walk your own block endless times and still never fully experience it.  Crack upon crack in the sidewalk or the chipping paint on a house, where the light hits it just right and casts a shadow on the surrounding area.  It's all so beautiful, and more than anything I wish to recreate it.  I've been thinking more about that lately, about my ability to make any piece of art to pure perfection.  Perfection meaning just about anything my mind desires.  I want to render this reality in a way that catches and portrays everything beautiful; I want to warp what is and highlight its essence.  I want to pull the light from each and every blade of grass as the sun rises and place it as to explain the entirety of existence.  I want to capture that one moment of pure beauty and present it so everyone can see.  I want to make something that I want to dive into.  I want to make something.
     I have officially moved into my new house.  82403 Applewood Road, Silver City, Iowa; population: 350.  It's so empty and free.  It's nice and I feel honored.  The presence of such incredible creation can't possibly be within my grasp.  It's unbelievable.  Unbelievable, but there for the taking.  I will take it and show myself its beauty.