Hello. My fiancee has just jokingly told me " You have no choice. You must do what you want!" I reply," I have free will?" in which he responded iin the affirmative. It is true that I have free will and can do whatever I please regardless of his disapproval which strongly deters me at times in doing as I would please were I not having him to be considerate of. His disapproval iss his disapproval, not an attempt on his part to control my behaviour though it has oft' appeared that way to myself and to others near me and us.

Having been thinking alot lately on my own personal freedom and need of the aformentioned, I have decided to take what he said to heart. " I must to what I want!" That is liberation, that is freewill, that is hedonism at it's finest, a veiw I personally subscribe to.

I have been thinking of my wants and needs outside of the all-consuming relationship, an assignment given to me by my counselor. I have at last succeeded in pin-pointing what it is I need to be happy : steady income, flexible schedule that I control for the most part, a nice place of my own ( my childhood bedroom was a shrine unto myself that others simply adored!), and a full, interesting life via events and the ability to go to them, dress as I wish, and do as I please! It is high time I start behaving like the fiery redheaded Leo I am! I know what I want and how I need to live my life in order to be truely happy and feel truely free in life. Going about getting it is much more difficult. I am bound by a person...letting go is so difficult for me, nearly insourmountable at times. I want friendships, freedom to experience, I am only this young once in life, why waste it? I realize I am not as ready to settle down as I once thought. I havn't given myself the down-time froem relationships I need. Since 14 I have jumped from relationship too relationship, having been single the longest for only 4 months! After a devastating split from a 2 yr. 9 mo. relationship! I need to focus on me-ME TIME- it is high time I become a little more self-centered for my own good. Father has given me good advice-"Focus on what Tina needs." My fiancee balked at the thought of I helping myself to housing options that would , because of policy, exclude him. He made it clear he'd rather see me on the streets with him than in a home by myself. Is this true love or is this selfishness on his part?

Thinking of everything in an "us" mode has gotten me nowhere. Been here for two months, been with him for over 6 months, homeless for much of it, stifled for pretty much all of it. I cannot continue living my life by what someone else wants of me and for me. Freedom is way too important for me to continue being lost to myself in this way. I realise my sense of self is stronger now than it used to be, hence the current feelings of dissatisfaction with the way I have been living. Does anyone have any words or advice for me after reading this? Please feel free to write.