You guys have probably read this before....but I think it is absolutely hysterical.....the Doll sent it to me....
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to
get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary
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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess-with blond hair dancing
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and
push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying
the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back
and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the
club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too
perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she
gets this nasally whine that is very annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny twit to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine--which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anythingthat weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer,like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little dear) will choose a gift for me that is fun--like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!
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