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Monday, May 05, 2008

  • Why is it that people who dress in head to foot every day in black answer me that it is because "I like black" well I like red, but you don't see me looking like a fucking cherry every day
    Unless you are Cash you should really change it up a little bit

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

  • I never realized how much I hate myspace until this point. It's almost like wiki-surfing, but for the fact that no useful knowledge is gained by doing it (not saying that most of the things I've learned on wikipedia have been exactly useful, but I'm one of the most interesting drunks at the bar because of it).
    Today, I started out on Liz's site, moved I think to Tracy's and after that I'm not entirely sure. All I can say for sure is that it made me feel like shit, I looked at photo after photo of every one's senior year, and just what they've been doing, and now I feel like a complete emotional reject for two reasons
    Firstly, I am having an incredible time here, but there is no possible way for you all to understand that, so here sits my xanga and myspace and it looks like I've done nothing this year. Well I have, it kicks ass, and leads to my second point.
    I don't want to come back to you all, I don't miss any one. I never have been the "missing" type. I can form no lasting personal connection with any one. I am what could be called "over self dependent" (I know there is a better word for this, but right now English is failing me) But the fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter how long I've been away (or how little my "friends" have written to me) if some one said tomorrow, 'you can never go back home' my response would be 'ok' and I would plan my life accordingly, but I would have little to no desire to be saddened by all of my lost relationships there, I consider every one goes sooner or late, so what's the difference in the end.
    This makes my life relatively pain free, but for the exception that I'm almost afraid of it. That I will never find these people that mean the world to me, that could actually hurt me if they leave, I want to feel this pain, with out it, I  feel that I have rationalized my life to the point of dehumanizing it.
    While it seems that people like having me around a lot more than my low self esteem would allow me to believe, on both sides, we mean nothing to each other I think, if I'm wrong, some one tell me.
    If not, than I will continue with my goal of making people smile, at least that's something productive and to all those that I do have a passing relationship with, this post doesn't mean that I want you to give up on me, I hope I've made you smile.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Monday, March 10, 2008

  • I would love to say more today but seeing as my shoulder is dislocated and i can therefore with only one arm type, it would take too long, so just to say, I can ski, just not when people try to help me, that's when i end up hurt, and german hospitals are FAST, but it's kind of odd to be totally naked for an x-ray.... we just don't do that in the US, but I like it, saves on laundry, however i guess i would change my mind if I had to see the other people, you know the kind I'm talking about

Monday, January 21, 2008

  • My happy go lucky, I want the world to be better side just snapped to pieces today. I'll give you the short version why.
    First off my host family is nuts, not as crazy as my own family but these people are probably the reason I would never be stupid enough to get married and have kids.
    My host dad is a real ass, and an alcoholic, and more of an asshole when he drinks, never lived with an alcoholic, well I hadn't till this point and these people are just stupid and anoying.
    My host mom is the type of woman who would do anything to help you, and she does for most people unfortunately always sacrificing her happiness and well being, leaving her entirely miserable and worn out and not happy really but satisfied because she is too chicken to say anything.
    My host brother are both fully ok, so no problems there.
    My host sister (10, acts like she's 5) is a BRAT!!! Every one in the family lets her get away with everything she wants claiming she is just a little kid, she is fucking 10! she should be past the point of screaming to get what she wants, hitting people when they tell her no and eating nothing (and I mean nothing other than!) one type of slice cheese, toast bread, 3 kinds of sausage, nutella, honey, cereal and chocolate.
    She creates my biggest problems here, I hate seeing people ruin their children, then they grow up into rotten adults and who the fuck needs that. The problems start at home with her being allowed to do what ever she damn well pleases, her mom not knowing how to say now and not having the will to fight her and her dad going and letting her be 'the baby'. I have come here and for the first few months I couldn't stand her, then I took control where her parents don't, finally told her 'NO' and smacked her a good one upside the head, she respects me now, but every time I want something from her, I have to fight the damn little thing because her parents don't bother.
    My problems then are because of my big helpful mouth, and most of the time I should just bite my tounge here, the disfunction for these people is ok, I hate it, they make me want to smack them all a lot of the time, but at least my host mom, brothers and sometimes  Katrin are very nice so I feel simply awful for wanting to scream Fuck You All today (I didn't by the way, just said quietly fuck you all, grabbed the car keys and went to a friends to cry my eyes out, much better choice in my opinion)
    So for the first time in my life, I am letting go of my instinct to help, and just going to observe as people fuck themselves over, it really pains me to see it, but I end up with more problems if I try to help, so why the hell not.

    Other than that, I'm enjoying it encredibly here, off to Paris in 2 weeks, that should be fun. School is easy, everything else is going just swimmingly. So no body worry about me ok, it really is just that tiny bit I wanted to bitch about.