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| Free Write....closed eyes, fingers on the keyboard, letting the words, emotions,
what do you do when you
know the time has come to make or break your life? when you know that you can't
stand anymore of what is going on and that you need a change? but what if you
don't want to let go, how do you go on?
i have love and memories and times and places i miss
i have regrets about the way things have happened in the past but not why they
happened
i know the things in my life are happening for a reason, a purpose...i just
wish i knew what that purpose was
i just wish i knew what my purpose is
im scared
im scared to find out what is going to happen
im scared to see what im going to fail in
im scared to know what im going to fuck up
im scared to lose what i am
im scared to lose what i have
im scared to lose what i don't about yet
but i know it is all going to happen
i feel pieces of my heart just breaking off with old things, with things that
need changing
i feel those pieces crying inside
i can't seem to catch my breath
new things are coming into my life
but i don't want you to go anywhere
i want you to come around
i want you to change
i want you to want to be the one
i want you to work for you life
i want you to want to be here
i want to say goodbye to things in the past
i want to say hello to the new things coming
i want to say i missed you
i want to say i want to see you
i want to say love me
i want you to say you love me
i want to be sure of things
but i just don't know what to do
or maybe i know what to do
i just don't want to admit to it
i don't want to do the things i know need to be done
im hoping for a change
im hoping for a touch
i couldn't breath the other day
when those feelings and memories came back
the scars began to appear again
the hurt in my tears flowed down
i don't want to be forgotten
i want to be remembered as something good and unforgettable
i want to be remembered in their hearts
i want to be loved forever
i don't want to be alone again
God I need you, Take my heart and hold me close. Remember my pains and scars,
take them away. Take what I am struggling in now and show me the way. Guide me,
love me, hold me, don't forget about me. | | |
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I see: my computer
I need: time
I find: nothing
I want: love
I have: memories
I wish: I could start my life
I love: God
I hate: money
I miss: him
I fear: being alone
I feel: struggled
I hear: music
I smell: mouthwash
I crave: life
I search: purpose
I wonder: why
I regret:
When was the last time you ...
Smiled? Before he left
Laughed? While playing in the leaves with him
Cried? Outside: not too long ago, Inside: now
Bought something? A few hours ago (Subway)
Danced? Can’t remember
Were sarcastic? Can’t remember
Kissed someone? Around 2 – 2:30 this afternoon
Talked to an ex? A week ago
Watched your favorite movie? Last week
Had a nightmare? Can’t remember
A Last time for everything.......
Last book you read: Narnia
Last movie you saw: Ice Harvest
Last song you heard: Goodbye Lover – James Blunt
Last thing you had to drink: water
Last time you showered: Yesterday
Last thing you ate: subway
Do You...
Smoke? no
Do drugs? no
Have sex? Haven’t in a while
Sleep with stuffed animals? no
Live in the moment? Depends on the moment
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? yea
Have a dream that keeps coming back? Not really
Play an instrument? no
Believe there is life on other planets? no
Remember your first love? yes
Still love him/her? yes
Read the newspaper? No
Have any gay or lesbian friends? yea
Believe in miracles? yes
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? yes
Consider yourself tolerant of others? yes
Consider love a mistake? sometimes, but it is better to love and lost than to
never have loved at all!
Like the taste of alcohol? Depends on the drink
Have a favorite candy? Chocolate covered pretzels
Believe in astrology? no
Believe in magic? no
Believe in God? yes
Pray? rarely
Go to church? yes
Have any secrets? yes
Have any pets? yes
Do well in school? yes
Go to or plan to go to college? I'm in college.
Have a major? Interdisciplinary Studies with concentrations in Psychology and
Youth Ministry/Missions
Talk to strangers who instant message you? yea
Wear hats? very rarely.
Have any piercings? four
Have any tattoos? Yes, rose holding a heart (has personal meaning) on my right
shoulder blade
Hate yourself?
sometimes
Have an obsession? organization
Collect anything? Shot glasses, original carebears
Have a best friend? yes
Wish on stars? no
Like your handwriting? no
Have any bad habits? yes
Care about looks? no
Believe in witches? no
Believe in Satan? Not sure
Believe in ghosts? Not sure | | |
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I just got back from PA. I had a great time. Mitchell went with
me and met the family. They all liked him. My little
brother and sister, I think really liked him. He played a lot
with them and I think he had a good time too. I found out a few things
while I was there too.....like I need to be careful because cancer has
come to run in the family. My aunt had a breast removed this
summer for cancer and cancer is what my grandmother died from this past
Dec. My dad also had a talk with me (showed me he really does care and
thinks about me), but he made me realize a few things that I need to
think about. I need to make my list (sorry if you don't know what that
means), I just hope that my list doesn't hurt people I
love. I will post my list as I get it written.
So, I'm afraid to put my list up because of what it may do. I know it
is something that needs to be out in the open, but I don't want the
consequences.
I'm tired of our fights, our stupid little fights. I'm tried of being
called the Bitch or your Bitch. I'm a woman, I have an opinion, it does
matter, and I want to be treated that way. I'm tired of it always being
my fault, that I'm the jerk or asshole, or that I am the one being
stupid and Bitchy.
If you don't like the way I act or who I am or what I like and believe in, find yourself another girlfriend.
So I Thought
All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because
so long I was
So in love with you
So I thought
A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume
Myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn to much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies
About the times
A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it
Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it
Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, healing
And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
I still love you ever so much! I hope you don't hate me.
| | |
| I've figured it out.....I'm stuckI was able to talk to someone tonight that I'm fully in love with and
he made me realize what is wrong with me. I'm stuck in life and it
scares the hell out of me. I don't know where I am going anymore or
what I am even doing. I don't know what I should be working towards or
so hard for.
I've lost my major here at King, so I'm just taking classes right now.
I don't want to transfer, I'm done moving around. I want to be
somewhere and start my life. I don't want to leave certain people I
have come to love very much. I'm already so far from home and family, I
can't leave the family I have made here.
Speaking of family, I'm stuck in that too. I don't know my family
anymore. My dad's 50th Surprise Birthday Party is this weekend and this
will be the first birthday I have ever been with my dad for. When it
comes to Christmas, I don't know where to go anymore, I can't drive all
over the US just to see everyone. My mom doesn't even give me one
notion that she ever wants to see me again. We just sold the car, the
last thing really linking us together anymore and its gone. My sisters
are married and have children and family vacations of their own.
I'm also stuck in a very hard position of being completely in love with
someone yet scared to hell of what is going to happen. We don't want to
get stuck in our relationship, we want to be in love and have the fun,
smart, honest, caring, sweet, loving relationship that we had when we
started. All of those aspects are still in the relationship now, just
that 'year bump' has settled in and I don't want us to get 'settled in'
to this relationship. I want everyday to be exciting, to be full of
love and care and fun. I don't want to get to the point where it seems
like we are so far apart in things we want. I need him and I think he
needs me. We love each other and that seems to be the only thing that I
am certain about in my life. I just hope that he is as certain as I'm
feeling.
I just thought of this, but I'm also stuck in the past. There are
things in my past that I just want to forget once and for all, I don't
want to continue thinking about them. I want to stop blaming myself for
things, things that I cannot change. I can't change the fact that my
parents divorce, or that my dad blamed it on me. If you are wondering
why I seem like I am 'searching' for the one right now, I don't want to
get hurt like my parents, I want to find the right one and know that I
am going to be with this person forever, I don't ever want to get
divorced. I know that I don't need to find this right one now and that
I have to slow myself down. I can't change past mistakes, whether they
were mistakes on my part or someone else's. They were mistakes and
nothing can be done about them now. Whether I regret them or not, they
can't be changed. I think that in order for me to be able to start my
own life, I have to let go of my past.
I wanted to write something tonight to just let my feelings flow, I
have needed to do this for a while. There is so much in my life that I
just don't know about anymore. I want to be certain about things in my
life, I don't want to be scared forever.
I want to be able to work towards something that I love, that I will make a difference in someone.
I want to be able to know that I don't have to worry about being able to pay off bills or debts.
I want to be able to know that I have the chance to have a family and life of my own someday.
I want to be able to stay certain of this immense feeling of love I have for this one certain, special person.
I want to be able to say that everything isn't my fault.
I don't want to be stuck and scared anymore, but what is the likely-hood of that happening????
| | |
| Is it bad to say that I don't know where my faith stands? I want to
believe in God and that He is beside me every minute, but my life just
doesn't reflect that. I want to know that there is a God, but I don't
know how. I want to believe what I want and not get bashed for it. I
don't want people telling me what to believe or how to believe. Just
let me figure things out for myself. If I want to believe that there is
a God and the Big Bang didn't happen, just let me. I don't feel that I
need proof to believe that there is a God. I just do, is that wrong? Am
I wrong?
Another question.....should faith/religion be something that is looked at when having a love relationship with someone?
Gotta go, kinda pissed off. | | |
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