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| These ...thoughts..I guess you would call them are coming back to me again. Spasms of my mind. I don't know how to control them. I go about the days...mindless...mindless now even with you. While in the comfort of your bed...in your arms...I contemplated taking the whole bottle of pills...maybe it would kill me...maybe it would just make me pass out. I felt the undying urge to know. And you ask me what is wrong...always ask me what is wrong. I don't know. Have I ever told you how sometimes I like the lines? Sometimes...other times I wanna scrape them off with a brillo pad..
I've come to certain conclusions. My age...its getting on my nerves. I've realized that this body that I have now...has stopped changing for the most part...and this is what I'm stuck with for the rest of my life. Which interests me...and slightly disapoints me. I mean after all I am female...which means I always want better when it comes to this body.
As you can see my urge for writting has grown less and less vivid recently...I can't find the words anymore..all my inspiration has....left...and while in a crowded room...or in the arms of my loved one...I still feel alone. | | |
| So...I'm not in a good mood, but I never am when I write in this xanga. So all my hard work on trying to get my inner demons out. All fell to the floor tonight when I had to scream at him..again. Now they're back and just as stonger as ever. This is gonna take some time. Mom bandaged my arm and she asked me who the liar was. I said everyone. But mainly Cody and Dad...she asked me why my dad was a liar...and I said "You're telling me that he isn't?" And she didnt have anything else to say about that one. I don't know why I bother to try to make everything right. Life isn't supposed to be great...and evidently for me its not even supposed to be okay....cause I'm not okay....i'm all fucked up in the head....and yea I don't even know why I bother with anything anymore....definatly gonna disappear after high school...fuck this shit. | | |
| ---: Seems an inteligent, twisted, and artistic person is not in the mainstream breed of our nation.
------: definately not
---: exaclty. -chuckles-
------: that seems to be one of my problems...
---: Well, im no master of life, and was told not everything you read is true, but Im guessing it just takes time.
------: well...see I got so used to talking to you.....
------: I've never talked to anyone the way we've talked...and I guess I expected that out of people....
---: ..I do know how you feel there..
-------: yea....I've come to find that it's hard to have conversations with others
---: -nods lightly- they dont the amusment..its just the same social vanity over adn over again..
------: yes....you should've seen how happy I was the first time we talked like we used to after you got back....ask Jen....she was here....I love it...while other people can't even begin to understand
---: I slept so well that night..
------: yeah...
------: it's addicting
---: -smiles-..
------: hmm
---: -shakes head- god i love you..
---: -chuckles-..no pun intended
------: I love you too
------: lol You never realize how much you missed talking to someone until you finally do start talking to them again.... | | |
| So okay....Last night was one of the worst nights ever....I unplugged the phone because of it and went into my mom's room and I was like I have something to show you (while crying hysterically) I lifted up my sleeve and let her look at the 20 some cuts on my arm. I broke down and told her how much i fucking hate myself and how much I wish i would get hit by an 18 wheel MAC truck tomorrow because I wouldn't take my own life. I asked her over and over again what the fuck was wrong with me and she couldn't give me an answer... I cried for like an hour just trying to explain things to her and trying to tell her what's been going on recently and then I asked her how wide a cut has to be to need stitches...because I had one before that she said should've had stitches but she couldn't take me to go and get them because the second time that you go to the hospital to get stitches for a self-inflicted wound they check you into the psycho ward....I showed her the one cut I did yesterday that was really wide...and she figured that it would've needed stitches....but once again she couldn't take me to the hospital to get them so she put the strips on my arm that the doctor gave us when one of my stitches came out before...and so here I am....mom thinks that the only thing left to do is to check me into the hospital but that just freaks me out because one.....you don't get your own room....you have to share with other people and two....when you take a shower....someone might be there just fucking watching you...and hell no....fuck that shit....I won't do it....there's been one person who has ever watched me take a shower....and well he's part of the reason why all this is happening...so fuck all that.....I dunno what's gonna happen to me right now....I just.....I don't fucking know what's gonna happen to my life...everything is all fucked up....and I'm seriously hoping that this weekend will turn out to be just as good as the last one so that I can keep my mind off of shit....I already have some plans so...if you wanna make plans....I guess e-mail me because I dunno when I'm gonna plug my phone back in..... DementedBubles2@aol.com Later....
*_This place inside my mind...a place I'd like to hide...you don't know the chances...what if I should die?!_* | | |
| I don't even know what I'm doing on this site right now....but fuck it.....don't pay attention to anything I write I just need to vent. I cut myself 16 fucking times today.....to Kick the P.A. by KoRn....my old cuttin song....damn did that bring back memories. i hate myself today....extremely hardcore....I'm figuring....fuck the world today...and I almost went for the vein...fuck that shit....pussy way out...I haven't eaten anything all day....I chewed a piece of gum for a little....and I'm drinking a lot of green tea....but that's all....my stomach kills because of it....I haven't eaten anything since Skittlez house last night. I need to start my life over...I need to start hanging out with some different people too...not that there's anything wrong with my friends...i love them....but I just wanna get some new people in there too. I need to mingle.....I need to get the fuck out of this house too.....right now....I'm in a pissed off mood and as it would seem I got fucking ditched today. I left school early. I went to the nurse at like quarter to 10 and asked if I could lay down because I was in a bad mood and she said yea....i layed down for like 2 minutes and I started to cry....so I was like fuck this....I went back out and said can i go home and she said yea....so i called mom....got my shit....and peaced the fuck out.....bought a lighter at 7-11....sat there for a bit and smoked and wrote a note to someone because I'm pissed at them...and then I fucking walked home.....got home around 11ish. I'm tired of this life and trying to deal with all these piece of shit people in it. I'm sick and tired of being the psycho depressed fucking chick that no one ever even thinks about inviting anywhere anymore.....fuck that.....I had the best time that I've had in like 2 years this weekend with fucking Kahn, Skittlez, Melissa, and Nicole...and all the other anonymous people that showed up.....I danced I laughed....I kept my mind off of stupid shit....and I wanna keep doing that but it seems fucking impossible recently....no one gives a flying fuck about Bubles anymore....and they only chill with me when it's a coincident that we're in the same place at the same time.....ain't no body fucking calling to chill anymore...except for the one time that Kahn called me on Saturday and fucking look how good that turned out...I had so much fun that night.....so I'm figuring I gotta drop a lot of people that piss me off...and start hangin out with only the ones I have fun with....I'm tired of this depressed bullshit and I'm tired of being angry and fucking THINKING ABOUT HIM ALL THE FUCKING TIME fuck you.... I wanna get a fucking job...so I can finally get the money to do the whole permit car bullshit.....but that don't seem to be happening.....i'm almost 18 years old....and what do I have to show for it? a fucking cut up and scarred body....woo fucking hoo......I'm pathetic...and no one even fucking gives a shit.....and I'm not saying that they should....I'm not trying to sit here and be all emo and no one cares about me anymore blah blah blah...kill myself.....fuck that....it's just the fact that people I guess got tired of me....or at least got used to me not being around....and there off on their own lives doing their own shit...and I'm stuck here....whinning and complaining on my fucking xanga.....because I'm that damn pathetic. I'm cutting again...and I don't care who sees it, who knows about it, if I'll ever stop, or if I fuck up and hit the vein one day. I'm alone in this world...and I'm attempting to change that but no one will fucking let me...so i'm gonna fucking sit here and be emo....and you're gonna be stupid enough to read all of this....
*_All you men you are swine, you think dick is the answer but it's not!_* | | |
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