dear Daddy...

i'm so sorry for being like i am.  i feel like such a screwup... such a mess... such a toxic girl.

please help me with the obsessive comparing thoughts.  they are annoying and scary and i don't want to have to deal with them anymore.  i'm not bi, am i? because i don't feel sexually attracted to girls... i just want to look different.  i know that's not a good thing, i know it's not pleasing to You, because You gave me my body for a reason... but... well, help me be happy with it as it is.  i know that You are working on my thoughts regarding myself right now... help me be at peace with who i am, inside and out.

help me to not get pregnant, not in october, not ever.  i don't want to and i think it would be unhealthy.  i hate the comment that jarrod made, when he said that i have the perfect body to have kids.  yeah.  big boobs and strong legs.  i would be perfect two centuries ago when women were expected to have kids.  but not now.  please, Daddy.  i don't want them and... well, i don't want them.  please let that be Your will too.  i have to trust You with this and take all of the precautions that i can... please help me not freak out over this in october, though.  please.

thank You for sam and her friendship.  for jarrod and his love.  for Your love and forgiveness.  help me find the inner peace that i know You want me to eventually find.

i love You, Daddy.  help me express it more and more and yet more every passing day.

Wow, it's been awhile since I've updated, hasn't it?!

Things have been going okay, I suppose.  Up and down really.  But I am excited (loser that I am!) because I finally got a diagnosis!  I guess my symptoms calmed down enough or something for me to finally fit somewhere.  I am bipolar type II (officially "bipolar type II with severe psychotic symptoms, EDNOS, and anxiety disorder NOS," if you really wanted to know).  This actually means something to me, so yey for being a psych major (and a psych freak, actually... mental health books are some of the coolest ones out there.  I just finished this one that was absolutely fascinating called Touched with Fire, about manic-depressive disorder [basically bipolar] and the arts.  There is a direct linkage, which is fascinating... anyway...!!).

Spring break is just over - tomorrow we go back to classes - and for the past week, we have been in Arkansas, visiting my sister.  It was 0'F here the morning we left, with a foot of snow on the ground... and the day after we left, it was 80'F (in Tennessee).  Now that was a shock to the system!!  But it was lovely down there ... the temperature quieted down to about 70'F, which was fine with all of us, and it was lovely to see green grass and flowers.  And of course, my sister. ;) Can't leave her out of the picture.  We kayaked (that's a first!  Kayaking in March!) and although I-don't-know-how-many-times I've been kayaking, I still managed to get myself nice and wet.  And surprisingly, I didn't freeze!!  We also went hiking - and rock scrambling, which was reminiscent of Maine, and was also caused the rippage of my favorite pair of jeans (oh well) - and I played racquetball down there with Carissa and her friends - and also went to karate with her.  It was all fun but very tiring!!

And not to mention, my sleep cycle has gotten out of whack.  Usually I go to bed around 10 or 10.30, and get up around 6ish, during the week (and during the trip, too), and when I'm at home on the weekends, I usually go to bed closer to 11 and get up around 8.  Well, lately, I've been getting to sleep anywhere between midnight and 2.30, and still getting up at six .... this results in an exhausted April.  Sometimes so tired that I can't fall asleep.  Weird.  And annoying.

I recently counted them up, and I am taking 25 pills a day, routinely.  More (of course) if I take any pain reliever or caffeine.  (Which makes it 26 pills today, since I indulged in another 200mg caffeine.......)

I am going to make an Amazon order shortly, which definitely deserves a yey!  I'll update with what I order... not like anyone cares, but it'll keep me entertained, anyway. :)  Probably I'll get that Anne Sexton anthology that I wanted, and the yoga book, and perhaps a Jodi Picoult book (although I still need to look her up as I've no idea what she writes!  I just know that three of my closest friends love her stuff, so I should look into it... we'll see).  And perhaps a few other things.  I don't know.

I will be testing for yellowbelt at the end of this semester.  I think. *happy dance*

Things with Jarrod and me are going fine.  We're still unsure as to the date of our wedding, though.  2010 is the default year, although it will most likely be 2009.  Either way, it still seems awfully close!!  Weird to think of me not having the same last name anymore, or living in the same house ....... *mind boggles*

And that's all for now.... this has gotten plenty long.... wow.  I am longwinded!! *sheepish*

Leave some love if you've got the time!! ♥♥♥

Okay, so yeah.
Recovery is hell.
And this semester is too.

I've only got 12 credits.
But three of the classes are writing classes.
That was slow suicide right there.
And I'm tutoring 8 hours a week.
Third week in, and I've not had a break from homework yet.
Weekends are more hellish that weeks.  And that's saying something.  Something bad.

I've practically dropped my meal plan this week.
I just don't care anymore.  It's not doing anything it's supposed to.
I'm not losing weight.
I'm not ever hungry.
Everything they promised me would happen isn't.
I'm only eating 1200 calories anyway.
Today it was down to 1000.  That's only 100cals over what's considered starvation diet.

I haven't been able to focus on yoga this weekend.
That sucks.

I just want this semester to be over.
Only 12 weeks of classes left.
Don't let me know that that's 3 months.  Because that's just depressing.

I've been listening to "Damaged" by Plumb.
I like Plumb.  Just discovered her.
But the song makes me sad.  Because I can somewhat relate.

G'night.  Time for April to sleep.

So you know what?
Yoga is amazing.  Utterly amazing.  I just did some tonight, and I am the most flexible I've been in years.  I can do a standing backbend until I'm almost a C.  I can stand and bend down - trying to bend from my coccyx - and, grabbing my heels, can touch face to my knees.
And it's only going to get better from here, since I'll be doing yoga every day, at least once.  At least, that's my resolution.  We'll see how that goes with uni starting back up and all.

So yes.  Classes.  I'm taking Advanced Poetry Writing, Theories of Counseling, Honors Humanities II (repeat from last spring, but with a different prof), and (technically) Oral Comm (same, except with same professor, and special stipulations).  Besides that, I shall be involved with Chem Club, tutoring Spanish 8 hours a week, and taking karate twice a week.  And of course, the mandatory nutritionist and counseling appointments, and piano lessons on Wednesday.  No Campus Crusade for Christ this semester as the timing just didn't work out.

And even amid all that, I've made time for going to the gym every day.  We'll see if I can manage that.  Goodness.

Things have been going okay.  Really up & down, actually.  But that's alright, I'm dealing, figuring out when to take my mood stabiliser so I don't absolutely crash at night.  The apathy has been overwhelming.  Twice this past week, I've just felt so awful that I went and put on some music and curled up on my bed for hours, doing nothing but talking (well, okay, mentally yelling at) God.  Depression has gotten to be really bad then, too - "everything is pointless."

If anyone has ever said that recovery is easy ... I shall personally strangle them.  And then quarter them.  And burn the quarters.  Because if I have ever heard a lie, that is one.  One of the biggest ones.

Recovery is not easy.  Recovery is hell.

It's been such a gross winter.  We've only had two hard freezes, and barely an inch of snow total (that's the total of the three flurries that we've had).  It's currently in the high 40s, been raining for the past - well, only God knows how long, I can't remember when I saw the sun last - the pasture is a sea of mud, and I'm worried about hoof rot.  It's just nasty.  Damn southern Pacific jet stream ... *scowls*

And I've got a nasty feeling that I've got to sort out ... and of course I will end up obsessing about it, like I do over everything.  Grr.

But oh well. :) Yoga was wonderful, I've got to remember that.  Although I feel myself stiffening up now.  Argh.

I need to update more often.  Naughty me.
Oh well.

Leave some love if you're still reading!  I miss you all (if that's possible!).

Huzzah!!  I have finally returned to Xanga after a very extended absence.  My bad, everyone ... err, anyone?

Things have been going quite well in the world of April.  Well, pretty well anyway!  Let's see ... what's new ... well, today is Day 168 ... I can't believe how many days I've gone ... it all feels surreal to me ... and what's even cooler is that cutting now seems like a thing of the distant past.  I remember what it was like and all, but I can't see myself doing it now.  Maybe I've outgrown it, so to speak?  But anyway ... never again shall I dismantle a razor or use a steak knife.  And I'm okay with that.  It was a friend, but a treacherous one.  And one that I'm glad to be rid of. (Ignore the bad grammar, please.)

Oooh, my big news! (Although I'm sure some of you have already heard it...)  Jarrod proposed this December, when we went out to Minnesota to see him. (And Wisconsin to visit family - that was the main purpose of the visit for most people, but for me it was seeing my boyfriend-now-fiance again!)  I've not got a ring yet but that's perfectly okay with me ... a ring will be coming, but that's not what signifies an engagement ... it's the promise itself.  The wedding is planned for either summer 2009 or summer 2010, depending on when I graduate.  I look forward to it, immensely so, but I know I've got a long way to go until I'm ready to be the wife that Jarrod deserves.  Recovery-wise, mainly, although I'm positive there are some maturity issues as well! (Like comparing myself to others ... that's definitely got to be gotten under control.  And stubborness/bullheadedness in areas of my life where it doesn't belong.  And willingness to admit that I'm wrong/willingness to submit to others rather than always going my own [usually wrong] way.  Stuff like that.)

God has been so good to me, though, and I am truly trying to thank Him every day for the blessings He has given me.  Jarrod is a gift that I know I don't deserve ... he's amazing in every way (although lacking in tact sometimes, but that only adds to the charm ... usually!  Hehe).  And recovery ... man, God's played such a big part in that.  I wouldn't be where I am if I didn't have His help, strength, and comfort in times of need.  He is without a doubt beyond awesome.  And I use the word not in the colloquial way of using it.  I use it speaking of awe.

Uni is going alright too.  I switched majors, from biology to psych; this past semester I took intro to psych, and this semester I'll be taking Theories of Counseling, among other classes.  Fall '06 I only took two classes - Psych 101 and Intro to Poetry Writing - this semester I'll technically be taking four, although I won't have to attend Oral Comm until the end of the semester.  The classes, other than ToC, are Honors Humanities II and Advanced Poetry Writing.  I'm looking forward to the latter and slightly dreading the former.  Oh well.  My only major fear about this semester is whether or not I can make it through without having a breakdown, like I had the '05-'06 schoolyear.  I think I'm in much better mental health now than then - not to mention, I'm on a plethora of meds.

Yes, meds.  I'm currently taking 6 meds, four times a day.  It gets rather tedious, but that's alright.  I've got a treatment team that I get along with - for the first time ever! - a psych (really a nurse practicioner), a nutritionist (whom I am having trouble trusting as I don't want to eat the amount he wants me to eat, even though it's quite a reasonable amount...), and my counselor.  They all have my permission to be in contact with one another, and they're helping me immensely.

I think that's basically what's been happening.  Wow.  I've been rather busy!! :)