I've always wondered why I never write about my daily life in this little thing. I mean I mention it now and then but I never go into detail about my day and the events that went into it unless they were really memorable. Even then I just mention that one event or to then move on to a random pondering.

The fact is my days are usually very routine and not worth talking about in great detail. I don't even have the will power to write out one of my days because it'd bore me to death to rehash it. Yet, I find myself having nothing to write about even though my whole being is pushing me to blog. Whenever I do blog half the time it turns out to be some emo rambling of a adolescent teenager, and I hate those kinds of blogs (although I do pump out quite a few per month).

So then, what shall I write about? I want to blog, but about what...?

I went to San Diego recently, and I'm going to Sacramento next. Should I blog about that? Nah. I'd just be rehashing an entire week instead of a day. And as I've already stated I dislike recounting my life.

Hmm... I really can't believe I just ranted a fair amount about what to rant about.

lol, funny funny.


(i have atrocious grammar)

Sometimes I would feel left out of the mix of things when I hung out with what was supposed to be my close circle of friends. The feeling of being left out or just simply missing beats that shouldn't be missed always persisted within me and I just didn't understand why. Most of the time I blamed it on church because I had to always attend service on Saturdays and that limited the time and events I could go to and in turn the amount of time I could hang out with my friends.

I can list dozens of things I've missed because of church: fall rally, numerous key club events, relay for life, birthday parties, regular hang outs, etc.

For that reason alone I felt like I could never really grow close to any of my inner circle as much as they have done within themselves. This has saddened me from time to time, and it's not like I didn't expect it. What shocked me the most is even though I wasn't painfully close to many of them they are still a large part of my life. Rather, to put it more bluntly they were the only people I've spent everyday with, and no matter how close to them I was or wasn't they were all I basically had in terms of really close friends. Sure, I have church buddies but I see them once a week, and I also have a bunch of neighborhood childhood friends, but ever since my departure from zoned schools we haven't had much contact.

So in the end these people at school are all the close friends I had. The problem is I don't like any of them very much. They're all wonderful people but I really don't feel in place with them. Maybe it's because of all the beats I've missed but even though we're friends and good friends at that there is still something there that keeps me on the outside just enough to make me realize we're not all that close to begin with.

That feeling of exclusion makes me want to drop them all as friends, and just move on to something else but there is that awkward transitional period where I'm left with nothing, if I was to do such a thing. I would basically have no one to talk to. If I isolated all of them there would be no more close friends for me to cling to. In the past I always had someone close to confide in, but with them gone I really would have no one.

Also, my family isn't the type to be all, "Let's talk." to get that straight.

Although that may be true, I'm actually fine with that. Why should I even be friends with people that make me feel uncomfortable. In my mind I basically just defaulted to this group because I've known them since middle school and they were part of the asian crowd. Other than those two binding factors, mostly the first, there really isn't much I can say that keeps me close to them.

These were the friends I've had and the friends that are already there, so might as well stick with it. The effort to find a new crowd is very taxing. Thats what I thought to myself before. Now, I realize that I don't need to stick to them because they're already there. If I really don't feel comfortable with them I really should just move on.

And that's what I'll do.


Find new a new crowd because the old one just doesn't understannndddddd. lol :]

...for a day.

Very far away. Thinking what to do next. Time to make a choice, and open that door.


or keep it locked.


oh yeah. Ambiguity rocks.