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SpecialK06
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Name: Kelli
Country: United States
State: Ohio
Metro: Cincinnati
Birthday: 1/8/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: I love to sing and I like to play tennis when I get the chance. I have become a Desparate Housewives junkie. I am always super busy...so catch me if you can! This coming quarter will be spent working, and working...and then writing papers upon papers upon papers. Fun huh?
Expertise: I am finding more and more that I am good at a lot of different things, but I haven't mastered anything yet. I should be an expert on all the RULES of sorority formal recruitment. I love my Rho Gangsta's but I miss my sisters dearly.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Kelli20027
Yahoo:  kel_230
Member Since:
2/10/2004
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| 90 percent is how you react to itWell, I haven't been on here in a very very long time. I had kind of given up "blogging" because the thought of everyone I know and don't know for that matter, being able to access my life so easily scared me. But here's the thing. Right now, I need people to have access to me. Right now, I need the support of the people who know me, and even those who don't because many many people know how I feel right now, unfortunately. And during a time like this, you need the world to cheer you on, and hold you chin up, because right now those things feel impossible. He could read this, but right now, thats not what matters. My heart is broken. Broken into a million pieces and picking them up seems more daunting than anything I have attempted in my whole life. Even today I have been subject to so many emotions I can't recount them all...but mainly feelings sadness, anger and some happiness and hope. Since Friday, my life has taken a dramatic twist and if you have talked to me since you can really understand this entry. I am not going to come out and say it in plain black and white, but lets just say that something that I have staked my life on, has suddenly turned into dust. Something that I thought was steady and unchanging has drastically been taken from underneath me without what I saw as a warning at all. Everything seemed ok...everything seemed like things weere going to work out and then my stomach dropped and my heart ached as I read the secrets that he was keeping from me. The secrets that I believe he never had any intention of telling me. And the promises that I counted on...didn't have intentions behind them either. When you start planning a life and a future. Maybe thats when God laughs in your face and tells you that his plans are the only ones that will bring you true happiness. And I know all this. I thought that fate, or God or the stars or whatever you want to call it ha brought us together, but now it seems that those things tore us apart. I became a person the last few months that I don't like. A person that I told myself I would never become. I lost all trust in myself, in him, and that gut feeling took a hold on me like I have never experienced. Maybe that gut feeling was God yanking me away from what I wanted. Warning me not to procede. But I convinced myself that I was just a "silly girl" and being paranoid. I became a girl that not only lost trust, but a sense of who she really is. I became a girl that I didn't know, and didn't like, and certainly I can't expect that girl to be liked or loved by anyone else if I can't love her too. I made more compromises these last few months that would ever be deemed respectable in an effort to change things and to resolve conflict. I couldn't fix what was broken even with all the compromises to myself and my integrity and my pride as a woman. And thats when the woman that I already didn't like became a girl that I hated to become. I can't help but feel a little responsible for things that have happened...seeing that I had become this girl that I barely recognized. But I was not the one that made the consious decision that would throw away what we had and I was not the one that lied. I might have been lieing to myself, but I was not lieing in the way that he was. It's hard. It's so hard to believe in yourself and who you are and what you want in life. It's hard to have faith that there are things after the present, after what is happening now. It's hard to believe in the hope of another day that will help to heal the fresh wounds that are gaping and aching now. But we have to believe. Every one of us. Thats wht keeps us going right? I need to believe in myself and my ability to get past this with grace and growing wisdom. I need to believe that there is someone out there that will never let this kind of heartbreak happen to me and I need to know that in myself is a person that deserves more than what is around her and what has happened. I deserve the best, even in the worst times. I deserve the fairy tale. And I know within my heart regardless of the last few days that I once believed that I had stumbled upon the perfect fairytale. I, even a month ago, still got the butterflies and the glowing feeling. But now, I know that a happily ever after is truly out there...I just have to wait and be wilig to allow God to bring it to me. For now though I am healing and untangling the mess that we have left. I find myself untangling the web that I created for the future, for the bright future I thought we had. Tomorrow will be another uphill climb...and the next day too. Saturday will be the biggest hurdle. And as broken and hopeless and unfortunate that I feel right now, I believe that the heart grows back bigger. A bigger heart with more to give. More to give to the next person that will hold it in his hands. For now that guy is God. I know that it won't be broken in his hands. So I'm back, atleast for tonight. I'm back to allowing all of you in. | | |
|  | Currently Watching
Wedding Crashers - Uncorked (Unrated Full Screen Edition)
By Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Christopher Walken, Rachel McAdams, Isla Fisher, Jane Seymour, Ellen Albertini Dow, Keir O'Donnell, Bradley Cooper, Ron Canada, Henry Gibson, Dwight Yoakam, Rebecca De Mornay, David Conrad, Jennifer Alden, Geoff Stults, James McDonnell, Jesse Henecke, Lou Cutell, Sparkle
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and the madness begins...This week is going to be a nightmare. A nightmare. So Halloween, what you look forward to every year, even now sometimes more than you did as a kid. This year, totally different. I have an Anatomy exam on Halloween. How much does that suck?? I don't have a costume. I am thinking about going as a pregnant Britney Spears...I have the foam belly...all I need is some bad hair extensions and a stringy jean skirt. And maybe a cheesy rhinestone bejeweled shirt with some trashy saying on it. Maybe I'll carry around a couple of dolls too...more like 5. I think it might be funny, but I am not sure if I am ballsy enough to pull it off. So it's Wednesday, my days are numbered. 6 days until the dreaded exam and lab practical. Evansville tomorrow with Ken, and Saturday is homecoming at Cincinnati. I really want to go, but I'm not sure if I really can afford to lose the study time. We'll see. I need a nap. More later...I always say that. Probably more in a couple of months. Ha. Blessings all. | | |
| Once again...I really am going to try to update this more often. Things are just crazy when you are busy, sometimes it is hard to remember. School is getting to me. Maybe I am not cut out for this. Maybe I actually am just going to end up in a dead end fure because I can't seem to pass Anatomy. What sucks is that I really did study. Studied my arse off in fact. And what did I get? A D! I haven't had a D on a test in a while. What a nightmare. This was a few weeks ago, yet I am still steaming. AND then my Audiology exam was anything but easy. All fill in the blank! Who does that? Absolutely awful. Besides all of that things are good here in Louisville. Somehow, I am proud of myself for being brave enough to come down here all by myself and being responsible for a puppy and being essentially on my own. It's scary sometimes and sometimes I get really lonely, but I am extremely lucky to have my little Gus. He keeps me feeling loved with his sloppy wet kisses. So what is all this talk about future. Goodness, when did the phrase "When I grow up..." become something that we don't say anymore. Everyone is getting married and having babies. Ken and I dream about houses and where we are going to live when I get out of school. Kind of scary, but it's very exciting. It's like talking about that fairy tale white picket fence world. We talk a lot about what we are going to save our money for and vacations that we can take together. It just seems very surreal to be at this stage in my life. Getting married is not far away, kids might not be either (well, thats even scarier, why in the world did I write that!) and soon, sooner than it seems possible, I'll have a real job with real money and a real grown up life. LOOK OUT WORLD! HERE I COME! But for now, I get to be a poor grad student with big dreams in what seems like an eternity away. Needless to say, its something that I have had on my mind. I had better get to bed. Anatomy day tomorrow. I hate Tuesdays. Although, its nice to be able to wear scrubs to the hospital. A lady asked me last week where something was in the building and I was like..."uhh, you should ask someone with a white coat" but nonetheless it made me feel important. When did I stop looking like the 12 year old playing dress up and actually look old enough to be a doctor on the NICU floor? Someday I'll have that white coat. Someday. Blessings all. | | |
| Well well...Ok, so I am going to try to update more often. Things have been pretty crazy recently and I just really want to crawl back into bed for a couple of days. It seems that every time life gets a littlemore complicated, all I want to do is slow down, relax and put things on hold. Not good always. It's good to be relaxed, but let's face it, things can't be put off forever. UofL started classes a couple of weeks ago and I am already a bit behind. Anatomy and Physiology is going to kill me. He moves so fast. Our first exam is on the 18th and I just feel like I am going to be drowning in imformation by then. Keep me in your prayers. I am going to need it with this class. And on top of everything else, my apartment is a disaster. I need to clean and do laundry and above all, study my behind off. It's getting crazy! I just need to stay motivated. I need to keep my eye on the prize and realize that these painful classes are going to get me to the career that I want. A great career, one that combines all the things that I am passionate about. It's just hard to see beyond all of the stuff that I have ahead of me. OH, and congrats to Kate on her engagement. I can't believe it! It's so exciting! I wish you both the best! Ok, back to cleaning. Maybe more on here later. I need to get some things done first. | | |
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| Your Celebrity Boob Twin: |
 Angelina Jolie |
haha.Well, thats interesting. | | |
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