| | 90 percent is how you react to itWell, I haven't been on here in a very very long time. I had kind of given up "blogging" because the thought of everyone I know and don't know for that matter, being able to access my life so easily scared me. But here's the thing. Right now, I need people to have access to me. Right now, I need the support of the people who know me, and even those who don't because many many people know how I feel right now, unfortunately. And during a time like this, you need the world to cheer you on, and hold you chin up, because right now those things feel impossible. He could read this, but right now, thats not what matters. My heart is broken. Broken into a million pieces and picking them up seems more daunting than anything I have attempted in my whole life. Even today I have been subject to so many emotions I can't recount them all...but mainly feelings sadness, anger and some happiness and hope. Since Friday, my life has taken a dramatic twist and if you have talked to me since you can really understand this entry. I am not going to come out and say it in plain black and white, but lets just say that something that I have staked my life on, has suddenly turned into dust. Something that I thought was steady and unchanging has drastically been taken from underneath me without what I saw as a warning at all. Everything seemed ok...everything seemed like things weere going to work out and then my stomach dropped and my heart ached as I read the secrets that he was keeping from me. The secrets that I believe he never had any intention of telling me. And the promises that I counted on...didn't have intentions behind them either. When you start planning a life and a future. Maybe thats when God laughs in your face and tells you that his plans are the only ones that will bring you true happiness. And I know all this. I thought that fate, or God or the stars or whatever you want to call it ha brought us together, but now it seems that those things tore us apart. I became a person the last few months that I don't like. A person that I told myself I would never become. I lost all trust in myself, in him, and that gut feeling took a hold on me like I have never experienced. Maybe that gut feeling was God yanking me away from what I wanted. Warning me not to procede. But I convinced myself that I was just a "silly girl" and being paranoid. I became a girl that not only lost trust, but a sense of who she really is. I became a girl that I didn't know, and didn't like, and certainly I can't expect that girl to be liked or loved by anyone else if I can't love her too. I made more compromises these last few months that would ever be deemed respectable in an effort to change things and to resolve conflict. I couldn't fix what was broken even with all the compromises to myself and my integrity and my pride as a woman. And thats when the woman that I already didn't like became a girl that I hated to become. I can't help but feel a little responsible for things that have happened...seeing that I had become this girl that I barely recognized. But I was not the one that made the consious decision that would throw away what we had and I was not the one that lied. I might have been lieing to myself, but I was not lieing in the way that he was. It's hard. It's so hard to believe in yourself and who you are and what you want in life. It's hard to have faith that there are things after the present, after what is happening now. It's hard to believe in the hope of another day that will help to heal the fresh wounds that are gaping and aching now. But we have to believe. Every one of us. Thats wht keeps us going right? I need to believe in myself and my ability to get past this with grace and growing wisdom. I need to believe that there is someone out there that will never let this kind of heartbreak happen to me and I need to know that in myself is a person that deserves more than what is around her and what has happened. I deserve the best, even in the worst times. I deserve the fairy tale. And I know within my heart regardless of the last few days that I once believed that I had stumbled upon the perfect fairytale. I, even a month ago, still got the butterflies and the glowing feeling. But now, I know that a happily ever after is truly out there...I just have to wait and be wilig to allow God to bring it to me. For now though I am healing and untangling the mess that we have left. I find myself untangling the web that I created for the future, for the bright future I thought we had. Tomorrow will be another uphill climb...and the next day too. Saturday will be the biggest hurdle. And as broken and hopeless and unfortunate that I feel right now, I believe that the heart grows back bigger. A bigger heart with more to give. More to give to the next person that will hold it in his hands. For now that guy is God. I know that it won't be broken in his hands. So I'm back, atleast for tonight. I'm back to allowing all of you in. |
| | Posted 5/23/2007 1:16 AM - 15 views - 1 comments
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