i had horrible nightmares last night. i don't know why. today i just feel emotionally.... odd.  i woke up feeling so emotionally wrenched and i can't quite shake it.

my weight is the lowest it has been in a few months and of course i still feel flabby. does anyone ever feel satisfied with their body?

i want to clean up the apartment a little bit because my boyfriend is coming into town this evening. i'm not even that excited to see him. bad sign.

i just wrote some stuff, but scratch it - i don't want this to be a depressing entry. it's the beginning of a new month and to heck with not being able to pick myself up and actually do things - i CAN and i WILL.

i'm going on a little vacation at the end of them month and i need to wear a bathing suit.... what better motivation for all things in the weightloss realm?

all i can say is thank goodness my pants still fit. after the past few days, i was afraid i'd pull them out of the dryer and not be able to close them.

today was a waste. after my bf left this morning i went back to sleep and woke up less than an hour before i had to be at work. i work second shift, so this means no gym time. so i proceeded to get angry with myself, raid the fridge, and sulk off to work.

still being pissy, i continued to eat crap at work. we have a whole room full of ice cream, chips, cookies, etc., always up for grabs plus any leftovers from mealtimes... and the food there is meant to be "high calorie density" because old people won't eat a lot so they try to get them lots of cals from what they do eat.

needless to say... ew.

lately i've been feeling really fat again and not wanting to go out and be seen. i don't feel cute and sexy anymore. it's also kind of hurting my relationship, but i don't want to go in to that just now.

i'm feeling quite unhealthily consumed with my weight - and failed attempts to lose weight - again. it's getting in the way of my life and i am not sure what to do.

hmmm... since i wasn't supposed to be eating solid foods, my intake for yesterday was a bottle of gatorade (still a bit dehydrated from the stomach flu), and i have to water that stuff down... gatorade is seriously just sugar water with a little potassium and sodium. ick. anyway -- intake was a bottle of gatorade, half a can of veggie soup, and a rita's italian ice that my bf brought me.

today so far i had some kefir (yogurt-like drink) and grapes. i'm probably going to have a quesadilla or something for lunch though.

i have to go back to work tonight so that's going to be a hurdle - there's an abundance of free chips, ice cream, etc., daily and quite often other baked goods/sweets that people give us. THAT'S a challenge to avoid. sitting on dinner break watching my co-workers nosh on chips and ice cream. my tactic has been to try to pack my own dinner and maybe take a banana or yogurt from our free food supply... but it's hard. especially when people bring homemade goodies - then it's like an insult when you say "no thanks." And a lot of the girls i work with are bigger than me, so they can't understand that i'd be worried about my weight.

i think best bet is to hit the grocery store salad bar on my way to work for a take-along dinner and play off still being sick.

tomorrow i hope i'll get back to the gym - FINALLY - i feel it's been an eternity! at the moment i'm ecstatic not to be feeling pukey anymore and that it's above freezing outside. time to channel that positive energy into getting rid of this flab.

almost bikini time... maybe THIS year i'll be sporting one.