Moving on

so... According to what you said to me last week... I'm starting to think it was utter BS... cause there has been NO action, NO physical attempt, Nothing. You are a liar, and just talking about it isn't going to make a difference. Thanks a lot, you meddle, you get in the way, and now look. I had some serious consideration if something was to happen, but nothing. Must have just been your idea, just no one knew about it. yep... I get it, this is a big joke to you and I'm the one that the joke is being played on. Forget it, everything ends here.

On another note, my week went really well =]

-Did dinner with my girl Alice at Hell's Kitchen ^____^ also met her friend, who is extremely niceee as well!!!

-Did some catching up on my summer homework!!!! Final project due soon! Thanks for all your help bro, and tracie! it really was a lot of homework >.>

-An awsome weekend with Tracie and friends! HAHA xD your friends are crazy! I'm gonna need some practice to catch up and roll with them lol. Don't worry, ill practice at school xD I'll Beg Nessy to drink with meee, not a lot, a SHOT maybe a BEER a day?!?!?! gotta build that tolerance and learn to hang (lol)

Summer is WAYYY too short to be bummed out about ANYTHING. I'm going to try my best to not let ANYTHING or ANYONE affect me. I'm just gonna play it by ear, as long I'm happy =]

I love my work ^___^ Everyone I work with is amazing and all really great people!! I'm gonna miss them soo much when I leave >.< which is coming up in i believe 3 weeks.

Summer has been really good overall, with an exception of my busy schedule that I've missed out on hanging with a few people, but that time will be made up!

Missing the Fam, definitely!!! Hope you guys are doing well!!!

Outz,

Stephy

its so strange the way things are played out....

What took me a year, maybe just a tab more to get over, just suddenly reappeared again. All the support I had, along with the late night talks, the tears, and so on, suddenly became more than just a memory.  After being left to deal with things by myself, being looked down upon, being cut from underneath, things are starting to play itself out. Suddenly it's all on me... why is it like that?

If I don't respond, it's my fault, If I do respond... where does that leave me? I don't even know how to feel anymore. The wounds and battle scars are still there, but the question now becomes is it possible to heal them?

In the very beginning, I was devastated. I was so disappointed that I was the only one who didnt have the same support, but as time progressed, I accepted it. And after all this time... why now? Maybe you can go on pretending like nothing happened, but let me tell you, I sure can't.

I did some growing within the past year as well. I learned to let go, move one.  Damn.. I don't even know how to put into words how I feel right now... it's just so complicated, the way I feel. I don't want mediators, I don't want others getting involved if it's between 2 people.  

I don't know what's going on anymore...I honestly don't know how to face it.. =/ So much has happened already, and it's really hard.

Outz,

Stephy

Summer 08'- June

So far everything has been amazing:

I reached the goal between me and my friends for grades this semester =] Im really proud of itt ^____^ I worked really hard this semester. Even though my overall grades arent all that, its a start. Love to the family who has been extremely supportive of me every step of the way.

Summer classes are ok, not too bad at all. Just gotta be careful of the readings x.x.... something im not very good at keeping up with, but its ok, I got it. Need those extra credits to graduate early, so I'm gonna do it!

Gonna be taking a mixology class soon too!! =] im really realyl excited about it, and I even got my managers to be excited about it lol, interseting stuff. Gonna be taking it with Victor, his friend and I was able to convince one of the other interns to take it with me! I have a travelling buddy from work to uptown!!! yeshhhh

I love the intern so far. Learning so much in Food and Beverage, never knew how much there was to it. I love conventions, but F&B is really influencing me right now. My managers are amazing, I'm learning soo much from them, they are really good mentors; teaching me and giving me the opportunity to do things.

I work mon-fri,. but get to see my lovies on the weekends =] I couldnt ask for anything moreee, cept missing my lovely family up in Mass!!! missing you guysss soo muchhh >.< the one and only thing that keeps me excited and anticipating to go back to school so I can spend everyday with you guys. Hope summer is going well.

NO drama at all lately, which is a really good thing. Havent bumped into anyone that would cause drama so far, but you never know about later on x.x... but so far so good! Everything has been really peacful, just me, work and a few good friends at home to keep me company. Went to see Sex and the City yesterday with a few people; I thought it was a really good moviee, made me all emotional, even caught me on a few tears. Their friendship is so amazing and strong, really touched me in so many ways. Interesting thing: I was talking to my friends about going to see movies and eating by yourself. I was making a joke, such a loser, by yourself, cause I dont go anywhere, well exception on work by myself. And the girl sitting next to me told me there is nothing wrong going out by yourself, eating by yourself or seeing a movie by yourself. It's Classy. People few it as that girl has a lot of confidence to go to a restaurant or a movie by themselves, its a very classy thing to do. That was a different perspective for me, maybe it will give me the courage to do things more by myself. I'm an independant person yet, but I rely so much on my friends. They are my emotional pillar or support.

Summer has been amazing so far (but not to mention its been only 2 weeks lol)

Great seeing people at homee <3

Missing the family! No matter where you guys are, family is for a lifetime!

Outz,

Stephy~

turning the tables

Another year has gone by...

you know.. I had a lot of time to think this semester about a lot of things. And i realized.... life is really interesting and I should waste that time being emo or feeling upset and sorry about things. I should enjoy life as it comes. Today, a friend of mine said that if I was given a chance, I would do great. I thought about it.. I have people in my life that trust and believe in me. Not like those who pretend to believe in me and then cut me from underneath. Its people like that, that makes me really question and have trust issues. Never will I forgive you. You hold things against me that you have done for me, well guess what, if you want to play that game, I bet I have more on you. Out of the goodness of my heart, I always do things and don't expect things in return. If you say things on how im not appreciative, then you dont know me at all. Why would I waste my time on people like you? Rather than spend more time on people who really have gotten to know me? Today really made me realize that I have a few great people in my life that really have given me the courage I need to walk on my own 2 feet. Instead of being put down and doing nothing about it, I can stand up for myself and walk with my head held up high. I have spent this year fading out, and I am really happy that things are the way they are right now. Now, the people who are worth it get to enjoy the amazing friendship we share, rather than the people who have really hurt me.

Thanks to those who have believed in me through all this time. I know I have made mistakes in my lifetime so far, but I've always had people there to support me after the fall and put me back up where I can walk again. I can't believe the people who watched me fall and then left me there, deserted me. After all the trust I put in you, you really disappointed me as a friend and person. You don't know how much you hurt me, but time heals everything so eventually I will learn to forget, but never forgive, you don't deserve it.

I'm not satisified with a few things, but then again,  I am a very content with how things turned out. I guess it was true when an old acquantice said that I tried but still failed at certain things. But life is about risks, if I don't try, I will never know. At least I give it my all knowing that there is a 50% chance of failure. Do not fear to explore the unknown. You have no right to criticize me if you don't take the risks yourself. At least I have the courage to step and try new things.

And I've also realized that I've had a 3 year curse with people.. Generally. I had a few really good friends in my life time so far. And each of those individuals, I was really good friends with them for 3 years at max. We spent an amazing 3 years together as the best possible friends we could be and then I somehow get hurt by them or we just aren't friends anymore because we dont talk anymore or just a falling out. I never looked at it like this until recently, cause I realized; My Umass family as surpassed the 3 year mark. Thao and Nessy, you ladies have broken my 3 year curse on friendship and getting hurt. Ive known you guys for 3 FULL years and moving on to the fourth year with many more memories in the making! Nessy, I met you the very first week of school, been pretty much stuck to each other since. Thao, I met you the second semester and we were pretty much always together after that. =]  Everyone else has followed and its been amazing since! Amy, Lin, Jenny, Lisa, and Linda, you guys have been there for me always, backing me up in everything and anything I do, even if you guys dont always agree, but you let me do what I do, and let me learn from my mistakes if I fail. Thank you.

Of course with the few that I'm still mad chyll and tight with at home, you guys know who you are. There aren't many of you guys, but I have mad respect and love for you guys.

Sure, I get tense, and tend to freak out a lot. Sure, I make mistakes and hate admitting that I'm wrong. But I accept it. I eventually learn that others are correct and I learn from my mistakes. Yes, I'm kinda loud although I don't always mean to be. Yes, I'm usually packed with a little extra more energy and caffine than the normal person, but you know, its ok. I have really crazy outrageous ideas that usually arent realistic, but hey who doesn't have dreams. Yes I take risks that have a big chance of failure, but I am willing to risk it all. Yes, I will do anything for a friend, even if it at any AM hour, I will get to them if they need me. Yes I can read minds... Like when someone is crying, I know they are sad, no words needed (this comment ment to be kinda funny). Sure, I'm a little slow when it comes to people trying to give me hints. Of course, I would love to drive out in the middle of the night for those crazy, going to the middle of no where rides. Yep, I like to sit on top of my car when its freezing cold to star gaze.

I'm not perfect, but at least I know there are people who love me just the way I am. Thank you. (this is where the awkward silence is suppose to represent how I feel, but everyone gets the idea) =]

The one mistake I've learned but will never let myself forgive is trusting those few who have betrayed me in more than words an express. It is YOUR loss. YOU didn't appreciate all the things I did for you, nor did you ever really appreciate all the respect I had for you. Well.. TOO BAD.

I feel a lot better about things now. Lots of thinking, hiding and .... laughing my ass off in the middle of the night with a few select few.

Thank you.

Outz,

Stephy~

I cant explain how i feel, and maybe everyone just feels the same way. I really miss home right now. I guess i got used to going home every weekend, and just chylling by myself and my family. And now that i havent been home in a few weeks, it seems like forever. I miss my parents, my brother. Just home generally. I wont lie, i get lonely easily so i like the company of my friends, but i guess everyone needs some of that alone time.

I mellowed out so much since last year, and not only that ive become pretty straight forward about almost everything. Ive almost become fearless of saying what i think. Which is pretty scary to me, but its a step forward. ive changed so much since last year and quite honestly.. i shock myself. But whatever. Its ok, its just the way things are and just the way things need to continue. I need summer to come right now. Where i dont worry about anything cept work, and playing on the weekends. haha Over summer, my biggest concern is finding ID for the weekend i go out lol. Thats a pretty easy life. I concentrate on work all day, then just sleep everything off at night. Works for me.

Right now at school, i have to worry about school work, worry about time management to study for exams, worry about so much more. I dont know whats going on with me. I have moments in and out on feeling extremely emo. I guess im starting to get in that phase where i just need to be alone. hahaha when it was first said to me i was actually kinda shocked cause its like.. o__o.... am i dead? lol. its almost like you just dont want to be around anyone anymore. But i think i am starting to get in that phase too. Just need a break. Go home, and just be home. I dont have to worry about anything, anyone.

I gotta start setting life straight. One more semester and im out. I get to be at home for a bit, settle myself with somewhere to live, set a job straight, and then work from there. I just want to make my parents proud and make sure they dont worry about me. I just want to be able to take care of my parents in the future and make sure i can provide for them the way they have provided for me. I just want my mom and dad to the a healthy and happy life. I want mike to be happy.

haha If im even getting sick of me, who is to say others arent getting sick of me? I cant wait till next week to go home... and the 3 day weekend. Either i go to Penn state to visit my bro or go home to sleep in my own bed.... school has just been depressing this year and its like.. everyone around me seems to be caught up in their own emotions. Im ready to move on.

Yes, the small things get to me and then i end up getting high blood pressure, but thats why i dont tell everyone everything, cause i dont want to make a big deal out of nothing. Thats what everyone always tells me. Why you gotta make a big deal of the smallest things? Well guess what? So if i dont tell you anything, you will know why! Thats what people have been telling me all my life. And now... haha oh well... ive learned to drop everything. or at least push everything aside.

haha One of my emo moments.. its a phase.. it will pass... I just cant help but be caught up in everyone else feeling emo... it seems to spread.. im normally a happy person till i see others emo... >.> damnit... it speads like a wild forest fire! I gotta find a way to put that burning shit out!

oh well.. another weekend at umass... and gotta drive up to boston thursday night for club night.... no one wants to go... i cant sell my damn tickets... im sick and tired of begging and pleading people to go.  blah.

Outz,

Stephy~