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| I was looking back at my old entries, and I realized. I'm so emo. What is up with that?!? So I decided to write this entry in a sense of happiness. Sophomore year is gone! Well, not quite, but I guess it's close enough, eh? Yeah, time has flown by so quickly, I have idea where it's gone! So much drama this year, it's CRAZAY! But, I guess it makes the ride through life more enjoyable, eh? ;)
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| Ugh, these days have been so long, but the actual week has been so fast. How does that work?!? It makes no sense to me, but it somehow works....weird, huh?
It's been ages since I've written anything in here. Ages since I've sat down and thought out my feelings. Well, I did a load of that this weekend. I sat down with the girls and had a good, long talk. Let out my feelings, kinda sorted them out.....not entirely, but to an extent where I kinda know where I'm going. Hopefully, I've matured and learned something from that. And hopefully, the next time I encounter a similar situation, I'm able to figure it out on my own, without having to sit and feel like a little girl who doesn't know where she's going. Because that's literally how I felt. I'm glad my friends are here to listen to me when I'm being stupid like that. Very thankful to them that they'll take the time out of their lives to listen to me be stupid, and let me know what I can do, what I should do, and lemme know their opinions.
Feelings are such a hard topic to broach, though, when it's not mine, it's harder for me to help. I become oblivious to my own, and therefore don't know what I'm doing when it comes to me. Pretty stupid, huh? Yeah, I thought so too. Like, I can listen to others and kinda direct them down a path. But with myself, I don't even know where to begin; I feel so small, so lost, so stupid.
*sigh* My life is like a roller coaster. All I wish is that I'd have warnings so that I could prepare myself mentally for the corkscrews and the turns and flips I don't see. Hopefully, my friends will be there to help me through these flippings, and help set me right.
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| :\ I feel like I'm going to crash and burn. And that there's nothing I can do to stop it.
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| Lately, I've been thinking. Quite possibly, way too much. I'm just warning you, this post is most likely going to be long-winded and whiney.
Let's start off with me wanting things that I don't have, shall we?
1) A good parent-child relationship. Lately, as the quarter draws to an end, I've realized that I dread the end of the quarter. Only because it means that grades are coming out soon, and that my parents will NEVER be satisfied. I mean, I certainly wasn't satisfied this quarter, so I didn't expect my parents to be either. But, I realized that even if I was satisfied, I know that my parents will never be. I don't know why, I can just never "do the right thing" anymore. I really envy those who have that have a good relationship with their parents. Those who can tell their parents everything and not have to worry about being yelled at or lectured to. I want that mother-daughter relationship where I can tell my mom things where I don't have to worry about her telling my dad some things. I want her to be a friend, but at the same time, still be my mom. I want my parents to care for me, but at the same time, give me room to grow. Give me space to breathe. Give me time to find out who I am, what I like, and why I am the way I am. See, if I were to tell my parents the way I feel, they'd probably yell at me for being disrespectful. What they don't know is that they don't know a lot of things about me. And why is that? I don't really know why...maybe it's because I know that they'll find something, anything, and say that my train of thoughts is somehow flawed. There are so many things they don't know I do...like yesterday. As I was being driven home by a friend, I ranted and raved about my life. I'm very grateful towards the person who had to listen to me. Yes, I was a whiney baby. I was whining and beating myself up for how unsatisfied I was this past quarter. However, I never let my parents see that I really do beat myself up over things they lecture me about too. I think about them constantly. I feel that I'm always doing things for my parents, and never for me. Things to please them, so that they'll get off my case, and never do things because I know I would do well in them, and because I enjoy them. I'm sure that in some ways, they're not happy with me because I'm so different from them. I'm not the perfect daughter, and I'm sure that that is not what they signed up for. So they're disappointed. But guess what? So am I.
2) A friend who's always there. I know lots of people. I have lots of "friends". But, there are a select few I would really say they are friends with me. Those who would be there when I need them? Yeah, those are my friends. I also have quite a number of those too. But, what I don't have, and desperately want, is someone who I can talk to about everything. And to know that I'm not being judged or laughed at. I don't have that. And I really want one. This last week of the quarter, I wanted a listening ear, and I couldn't find one. So what did I do? I kept it in. I don't know why, but I find it hard to open up. So, really, not having that kind of friend is my fault. I dunno....I know that I'm somewhat superficial, and I really don't like that side of me. I wish I could say I don't care, but I do. *sigh* I don't know anymore. I thought people said that college was supposed to be the best time of your life. If that's true, then why am I so not happy?
I'm so confused; my thoughts are all jumbled, and it doesn't help that I keep thinking about things over and over again. And never in a specific order...it's just random and all over the place. I wish I could just sit down, and sort out my life. But how does one go about doing that? I don't know. But then again, if I did know, I wouldn't be here, now would I?
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| I don't know what it is, but all these things have just been piling up inside. But, right now, I want to curl up in a corner and just sit and cry. *sigh*
Today has been not quite one of the good ones, and there are just things that are just bugging me, but I've never quite said them aloud. And now, they're just kind of adding up to me being so darned moody tonight.
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