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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

hello

Sunday, April 30, 2006

ugh I feel sooo fat!!!

sorry everyone! I've been so freakin busy, but I'm going to try and become more involved again. I really need to go join a challenge so I'm going to go find one and then comment!

XOXO

-ME-

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Currently Listening
Aladdin: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack [Blisterpack]
By Alan Menken, Howard Ashman, Tim Rice
A Whole New World!
see related

ugh...so I finally started my period, but its a month late. hmm I wish it never started. I hate it! ahh! lol

Well what really sucks is that I also have some cold with a fever and everything too which means that I haven't been able to do all of my ballet and nightly workouts.

So in addition to fealing bloated and depressed because I'm on my period I'm also unable to keep up with my daily exercising which is making me feel INCREDIBLY FAT since I'm so addicted to exercise. I was losing so much weight lately, but now I feel like such a lazy blob!

I crave my exercise! I'm so behind now. Once I'm over this cold I'm going to have to do twice as much exercising to make up for all the days that I haven't been able to exercise...

lol, let me tell you, being sick is such a waste of time!!!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

So I'm fed up with feeling so fat, so I'm execcsively ecercising now and I lost about 5 lbs. last week! It was great, except by Friday I was feeling pretty weak (of course) and then on Saturday I almost collapsed a couple of times because my legs kept on almost giving out when I was landing jumps in ballet -I had to fight to keep my balance, but I don't care. I'm losing weight, and thats all that matters right now. Unfortunately I had to eat more yesterday because I was around people at my school for a fundraiser. Ugh, can you say gross?! It was freaking my out to have that food in my stomache. I had to go outside for a while so that I could walk some laps around my school to try and rid myself of those calories. It's just not safe anymore to have food in my stomache. I'll have to work extra hard this week to compensate for those calories I ate yesterday.

Anyways, so people were begining to confront me a little more about my problems with food. One of my dance teachers noticed that I didn't have a lunch with me on Wednesday at school. I honestly told her that I haven't been bringing (or eating) a lunch all year long, so now shes brining me veggies to eat at lunch because she says that I don't need to lose any more weight or else I'll just "wither away". Well, maybe I just want to whither away, so... yeah...I don't know what I'm going to do with having food at lunch. I'll feel bad if i throw it away. I don't think that my teachre understands that it's not like I'm on a diet -I have a disease and I can not eat. I just can't. Its too scary...too hard. I haven't eaten lunch or breakfast all year long....I can't start now...I don't know what to tell her, because she seemed pretty confused when I told her that it was scary for me to eat... She was just like "what?..." I laughed and said "yeah, I know, I'm wierd like that."

Well, heres the news from my ballet auditions:

-Joffrey NY (advanced level, but my friend said I would for sure be moved up if I went.)

-Orlando Ballet (scholarship)

-UBA aka. Kirov (On the waiting list)

-Boston (? -still waiting for my letter...)

I still need to send in some video auditions, too. I think that I might be going to the Joffrey New York intensive this summer for 8 weeks! Wow 8 weeks in NYC would be wicked fun, but I just want to go wherever I can get the best training.

I'll comment in a little bit. First I need to go workout some. I'm feeling too fat and bloated.

LATER!!!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Yay! Auditions are all over now! -well except for video auditions that I still need to record. I did about 10 different auditions and so far I've only gotten into Joffrey NY and Orlando Ballet on scholarship(!!!)... I still haven't recieved all my letters in yet, so hopefully I'll be accepted to a few more prestigious places. hmmm well now auditions are over I can focus much more on restricting because I wont have to worry about getting energy to look good in the auditions. I think that I've lost a little weight because I started to compulsively exercise like crazy, take some diet pills and diuretics, and drink a ton more water. Unfortunately, my therapist took away my diet pills becuase she is really concerned about their detremental affect on my wrecked body. -I don't really care about how terribly I'm treating my body, though. I could care less because I think I deserve the self destructiveness. I deserve pain and bad health...and plus I need to lose weight. Whatever those comments on how I'm already 'thin enough'. thats bullshit. I need to lose 20-30 lbs, and I'm going to do it. So bring on the water, the exercise, and the pills. Hold the food. It's not going on my mouth because I'm going to work my body thin.

Sorry I haven't been commenting lately. I've just been sooo busy and stressed.

Take care everyone!!!