Some of Satan's biggest lies come in the form of religion and tradition.

It's what kept many of the Israelites from recognizing the Messiah when he was among them.  Sometimes, it's what keeps us from recognizing God's voice.

And I think my religion is making sure I'm adequate enough.

My heart longs for no strings attached acceptance of God's grace.  Yet, I can't help but ask... God what did I do to deserve this fellowship with you?

I desire to hear God's voice and obey without hesitation.  Yet, I can't help but wonder... why me and not someone else?

I want to be in the presence of God.  Yet, "what about this bitterness?"  "what about earlier today when you asked me to do something and I didn't?" "... you seriously want to pour out your Spirit after all that?"

... I am thankful that God's grace is so abundant.  That He freely gives even when we are trying too hard to receive.

 Father, that we would take our eyes off of ourselves.  That we would stop thinking about how hard we are trying.  That we would stop wondering if we're trying hard enough.  And just trust what you have already done.  And see the floodgates open.

Man, I've really been neglecting my Xanga.  I may post something with at least a little substance soon, for old times sake.  But I do just want to say... Life is good.  God is teaching me a lot and really opening my eyes to how faithful and how much smarter than me he is.  And that's it... I feel like being vague for now.

So, it's no secret that women have variations in mood depending upon their feminine calendar .

And when you're twelve years old it's hilarious to make little jokes about it.  "Ms. So-and-so is in a bad mood... must be 'that time of the month' tee hee hee!"  But when you get to be about 20...21ish and the actual reality of your monthly womanly quirks hits you, it's not so stinkin' funny anymore.

I left my house the other day feeling frustrated about some small, petty stuff.  And as I was driving into other cars to vent my frustration (um..jk), something dawned on me.  Were it any other time of the month, I would be perfectly fine and would not have even noticed the frustrating stuff.  And then something else dawned on me.  I'm supposed to be walking in the Spirit, right?  And I try to walk in the Spirit every day and not be controlled by my flesh or flaky, girly emotions.  So, what's the deal?  It gets to be a certain time during the month and I just take the next 3-4 days off from walking in the Spirit?  I just go ahead and let hormonally induced emotions have the final say in my attitude and what I do and don't feel like doing?  Pfsha, as if!  Sista girl... shoot. 

 So... we're created to be emotional beings.  Women especially... I mean it's hard to nurture without at least a little emotion.  And emotions are a wonderful thing... one of the ways in which we humans get to reflect God's attributes.  But just like pretty much everything else the human race has gotten its hands on, we can turn emotions into something filthy and not God-glorifying-esque.  We let our relationship with God and our relationship with others be controlled by our emotions, instead of letting our emotions reflect our relationship with God.  Instead of worshiping God in and through our emotions, we choose not to worship him because of our emotions.

So, I'm going to try a little experiment.  When it gets to be that dreaded 3-4 day period, I could sit around eating dark chocolate or jelly beans and be a little more snooty than usual and make a big deal out of little things and feel rejected when I haven't been rejected by anyone and worry about whether or not I said the right thing that one time when I was talking to that one person eight years ago, etc.  OR I could pray and ask that the Holy Spirit would control my actions, emotions, and thoughts.  And instead of being controlled by my emotions, I can praise God through them.

Yes, it seems like a simple idea really.  (And now, I'm going to use the terminology I've been avoiding this entire post....)  You can freakin' pray through your PMS!  I mean, it seems so obvious.  But as much stuff as I read and listen to, I've never heard one person say that before.  So, now I'm saying it.  We aren't exempt from walking in the Spirit when we're PMSing.

God is a self-sacrificing, relational God.  And we are created in the image of God.  We have a Lord who calls us to love by laying down our lives for one another.  Within the church we are called to sacrifice until everyones need is met.  But it is so hard to see that in today's church.

Sometimes it seems as though church has become simply a medium through which our own desires can be met.  A place where we can steer clear of any intellectual challenges.  A place where we can find the kind of worship that molds to our own musical preferences.  A place where aesthetics matter more than true fellowship or servanthood.  If a church doesn't meet our needs, we move on to the next or just give up going altogether.  Church, in some ways, has become another form of entertainment and self-affirmation.

When I reflect on the self-sacrificing character of God and the self-giving love to which Christians are called, this all seems very out of place.  We are called to something deeper than this. God desires for us to serve him in fellowship with one another (which means serving with a local church)  And not only that, but God has given himself for the Church and fashioned us to be his bride.  Christ has not set aside a bride who bickers over insignificant details.  Or who puts itself in solitary confinement when it doesn't get exactly what it wants .  Or turns a blind eye to injustice, so long as it feels comfortable where it is.  Or a bride who is only around on Sunday.  God has created us not to seek first our own desires, but to be in true fellowship with one another and to sacrifice (even to the point of feeling uncomfortable) for one another.  To not be divided in heart over logistics or personal preference, but to have a unity that transcends emotions, music, buildings, ideas, or rituals.  A unity found only through Christ.  A unity which means sacrficing for the good of the community.  Demonstrating the self-sacrificing love of God here on earth.

Sometimes, hearing all of the stuff God can do for me gets kind of old.

God is worthy of my worship because of who he is.  Whether I am happy and confident or whether I am fickle and feel like a mess.

It's comforting to know God cares enough to provide for my lesser needs.  But this only points to how good he is.  Not how important my needs are.

I'm not interested in hearing how God can make me successful.  How he can make me prosperous.  How he can make me bold.

God is not my means to an end.  He is not my key to success. 

I have a relationship with God.  What more could I need?  What more should I want?  What else was I created for?  But to grow closer to him and to grow in knowledge of him.  And to serve him, not be served by him.

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him." -John Piper

Just had to get that off my chest.