| | I forgot I had this thing. Then I'm talking to a friend which brings up a story that I once told on this Xanga and I decided to go hunting for it. Revisiting myself after months...years really...is a frightening thing. The first couple of entries I did made me sound like a giddy 8th grader. Not exactly sure what was up with that considering I was at least a Sophomore in college. Entries that followed were a mixture of boring nothingness which I apparently thought was worthy of describing on the internet. I made it my goal when starting this xanga, that I would only put crap on it that didn't matter on any deeper or emotional level and in that I successfully bored myself. Then last year, Whitney died in the car accident and suddenly my Xanga took on an entirely different feel. The entries were deep and cynical--laced with every emotion possible. My "goal" was shot to hell and I didn't care enough to stifle my thoughts. I read the entries that followed that moment, and each one was as if it were a different step in the mourning process. Because after the sad and angered entries came lighthearted and mystical ones about springtime and seasons changing. Most of the getting over stuff happened in my own privacy, and details of those accounts are in stories that I wrote, and I doubt anyone will ever see those. Therefore, the Xanga didn't hold too much substance. Then a lot of getting over it came when I had no other choice but to. I worked, took classes and endured the family. Then, one day, I looked up from all of that and realized that her picture hanging on my wall didn't make me cry anymore. I realized her memory didn't pop into my thought process as much as it did in the past. I think what scares me about all of this is the fact that I had only known Whitney for a short period of time. In that time we had gotten very close, and then drifted far from each other. I'm not saying my grieving was as intense as the person's next to me. In fact, I handled it pretty well, and that is because I didn't feel like I had the right to be any sadder than I was due to the fact that, essentially, Whitney and I had lost social touch. Sure, we saw each other on campus and occasionally ate lunches together, but I was not as close to her as I am with other friends. So, back to what worries me is those other friends--and the thought of any one of them passing away. I can't imagine what this Xanga would be like then. |
| | Posted 1/18/2007 12:21 AM - 2 comments
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