STR FRY'S DATING ADVICE RELEASED--FULL EXERPT BELOW

(FOX) – In what some are calling the most brilliant political move since Prime Minister Winston Churchill rallied the British during the Blitz, President Bush used his executive powers to attain Str Fry’s dating advice.  “As a sovereign nation we have sovereignty, and sovereignty means exactly that—sovereignty,” were the President’s words upon announcing the end of what he dubbed “The Weekend of Terror.”  Analysts believe that the final event that set the President in motion was striking of thousands of young, male disgruntled tech workers in Mumbai under the belief that, without Str Fry’s advice, they would never be able to get married.  This threatened to drive the U.S. economy to a screeching halt as businesses could no longer get technical support for their Dell computers.  In order to advert this, CIA operatives stormed Str Fry’s palatial mansion acquiring his much sought after dating advice.  From a source close to the White House, Fox was able to learn the name of one of the operatives and get this exclusive text:

…Yes, but if I were gay, would I still talk to YOU?...

It seems like more and more the topic of conversation with my friends centers around the difficulties of dating.  It’s the usual stuff….Girl’s can’t find Mr. Right; guy’s can’t find Pamela Anderson.  This brings me to my point.  Mr. Right is usually kind, funny, sweet, good with children, and then handsome (sometimes with a lot of $$$).  Pamela Anderson is…well…Pamela Anderson might be a nice person too.

I myself have been stymied in the dating arena.  For years, much to my consternation, I’ve repeatedly found myself attracted to girls with whom I have nothing in common only to wonder why later.  I could sit down and logically think why I shouldn’t be attracted to a girl; but like a moth driven toward fire, I could not break the attraction despite my best efforts.  I’d hear dating advice and advice about relationships, but nothing would help.  Then, after a period of utmost and extended contemplation, I found the answer: Most dating advice assumes emotional sophistication.

Of course it wasn’t working.  Like most [all] (straight) men, I am stuck with a stove-piped, slightly-above-par-reptilian brain.  Hardwired as a seeker-killer, my brain has difficulty differentiating between its physical attraction for the opposite sex and its emotional attraction.  It’s like two transparencies containing line drawings are placed atop one another on an overhead projector.  Let’s say one is a picture of a Tyrannosaurs Rex with palm trees and a volcano in the background.  The other one is….hmm….Pamela Anderson….and….a…..a….a giant beer can.   It would be difficult to say which curves belonged to the Tyrannosaurs Rex and which to Pamela Anderson.  By a similar supposition, the palm trees might confuse the lettering on the beer can in which case you couldn’t tell whether it was light beer which sucks!  As an analogy, if we let one transparency represent the physical attraction to a female and let the other represent emotional attraction, that is how confused the male brain can get as to whether the attraction is physical or emotional.

This was a major breakthrough!  I had finally found the problem.  No wonder no helpful advice existed, what guy [present writer excluded] would write crap like that!  The male brain just wasn’t sophisticated enough to break out the emotional attraction separately from the physical attraction.  By comparison, women’s dating problems seemed small.  At least they had the hardware to deal with the problem.  But despite my breakthrough of revolutionary proportions, finding the problem wasn’t good enough; I also had to find a solution, thereby, helping millions of fellow men.

Foolishly I thought my new found knowledge by itself was enough to solve the problem.  Sadly, I was wrong.  I would go to a girl I had nothing in common with,  sense the dearth of personality attraction, and yet helplessly watch my physical attraction take control as I became hopelessly enamored with her.  For months I stood at the drawing board.  I couldn’t sleep [more than 8 hours]; I couldn’t eat [more than three meals a day + small snack].  What to do?  Then I had another breakthrough.  Watching a reality TV show, I noticed that a couple of the male contestants were gay.  Filled with derision, I was about to change the channel when I noticed that they tended to think more like females.  But so what?  I couldn’t just make myself gay, or could I?

The implications were serious.  No man would want to make himself gay.  But if it was for an instant and impeccably timed it might…it might…work.  Such a thing had never been attempted.  Would it work?  Would it leave me permanently damaged wanting to buy a copy of “Fools Rush In”?  Bravely, I made all the preparations to undertake the experiment.  There could be no margin for error. 

Test day came.  I felt nervous.  A cold sweat coursed down my face and my knuckles were white.  I saw an attractive girl I had nothing in common with, and the experiment began.  The physical attraction was extremely intense.  I was enamored with her; I wanted to marry her; I loved her.  No way could this technique possibly work.  But I was committed.  For one pico-second, I imagined I was gay and had no physical attraction for women.  My physical attraction gone, I entered into despair.  I was bored; I was listless.  I got the hell out of there.  Unbelievably, the test was a success! 

So, that is the solution, gentlemen.  To see whether you’re really attracted to a woman for the right reasons, just pretend you’re gay for an instant.  This will benefit both sexes as women won’t have to waste time with guys who just want to sleep with them.  But like all good solutions, conditions must be given under which this can be used.  After all, the atomic bomb was a good solution to WWII; but we can’t just have everyone running around with nuclear weapons, can we? 

So, here are the conditions for use of the “Gay Technique” (G.T.):

1.  The G.T. shall not be used for any longer than 10^-8 second.

2.  The G.T. shall not be used unless clearance from the nearest male is at least eight feet.

3.  The G.T. shall not, under any conditions, be used in San Francisco.

4.  The G.T. shall not be used more than 3 times in a 24 hr. period.

5.  The G.T. shall not be used unless sober and drug free.

6.  The G.T. shall not be used in prisons (why would you want to anyway?).

7.  The use of the G.T. in the Middle East may result in stoning.

8.  The use of the G.T. in Texas may result in stoning.

9.  The G.T. shall be used at Super Bowl parties only if an ex-girlfriend, ex-fiancée, or ex-wife is present.

10.  The G.T. shall never be used during gladiator movies.

I hope this solves much of the dating problems I’ve been hearing about.  It feels wonderful not only help out my friends but also to make such a great contribution to humanity!

\\Signed\\

--Dr. Str Fry