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SuChaSwThEarT
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Name: Hong
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 12/16/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: reading, hiking, running, trying new things, being around my love ones.
Expertise: listening.
Occupation: Student / Personal Financial R
Industry: Retail Banking
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
6/13/2003
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| Untitled #79
I am nothing more than an empty spirit
drifting in the sea of existence;
waiting, waiting, waiting,
for the day when being washed ashore
brings the hope of a new beginning.
Until then, I continue on an endless journey,
submissive to the currents that take me,
all of me, into the unknown.
I seek the breath that gives me life,
yet all I find is a world of no air.
Pity me, Beings that rule;
give me a sign, a gesture,
and tell me that there is hope.
For as long as their is hope,
there is an escape.
I am actually really sad at the moment because I just came to the realization that I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life. Although, I have one more year to really decide, wouldn't you think I would know by now? A lot of people are graduating soon and it makes me think about my future. I chose Communication because I like the theories and concepts that is involved with the major and yet it is broad enough to give me options. But what option will I choose is what concerns me. People tell me all the time that I will end up successful. Probably a CEO of a multi-million dollar company or one of the women to look out for on Forbes, etc... And most of the time, I believe it because how can I not be, with all my accomplishments, hard work, and confidence.
But if there is anything that I have learned about myself, it is that I am one of those people who settle quite easily. If I find a work environment that I am comfortable in, I will stay. Even if I another company can give me more money or incentives, I would still stay. I have a loyalty complex. Kind of explains how I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, been at the job I got in high school for 4 years, and being at my current job for 2 years. Even though I know/knew that there are better opportunities out there for me. But the whole idea of settling is killing me. I would hate to miss out on all the great opportunities that I could possibly be provided with, just because I like to be comfortable. I need someone to push me out of my comfort zone. I want to explore. I want to be able to say that I have exceeded my own expectations. But how do I start?
Today is Mother's day. The day to honor our mothers for giving us life and raising us. However, the holiday has lost its meaning to me long ago and now it is almost a day that I dread. I probably won't even see her tomorrow. I'm always trapped between giving her something and nothing at all. It's usually the latter, just to remind her of what she had done to our family. Then again, she did give us life. Thus being trapped. You know, I think I should really see someone about my anger and the grudge I hold. Or else I don't think I'll be able to live life freely. Its too draining.
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| ReflectionSo a friend of mine noted that I wrote a little weird and about the same thing with Xanga in the past. =) Honestly, I wrote complete crap in Xanga. I never really understood the idea behind blogging when I first started. I started because people started doing it and they just wrote the same stuff too. Lame I know. But what did you expect in high school. I think, regardless of who you are, you still get drawn into what "everyone" else is doing. How else would you explain the myspace/facebook phenomenon. Although, after jumping on the bandwagon, do we really find our own use of it, whatever that may be.
That brings me back to what I mean about reflecting. My blogs were not really blogs. They were almost a display. Sad but true. A display of what I felt I should be writing about and even how I wrote. It makes me laugh looking at my blogs because I remember when using slangs and internet talk was so kool bak in da dey. HOW that was even possible still amazes me today. I remember my teacher talking about how she found that a lot of her students were writing internet lingos when they wrote their papers. I would be frustrated too if I was her. Imagine having to read "Oliver Twist asked fo mo cuz he was starvin" or anything along those lines. Xanga back in high school was like an early myspace. People wrote stuff, friends commented, you talk about it the next day. Almost makes me feel ashamed of what I wrote and why I wrote it. haha. Almost, because I think that if you did it, its nothing to be ashamed of. Just learn from it. I actually thought about going back and deleting everything to just start over. But what fun would that be? And they do serve a purpose, they make me think about the way I have grown up. Social norms and influences doensn't have the same affect on people, I think, after you graduate high school. Or I hope not anyways. You know, back then I really had only two subjects that I really talked about: boyfriend and mother's abandonment. Mostly because he checked my xanga and it was almost like a reassurance for him to read about how I felt about him. My way of making him happy I guess. Mother's abandonment...I don't know why I wrote the things I wrote. Probably because I was angry, depressed, and bored. I didn't go to school much during that time and when I did, I didn't really talk. It make me really depressed actually. I had so much to say and no one to talk to. I couldn't bring up the subject either. I mean, who goes up to their friends and say "Hey guys! Guess what!? My mom totally abandoned me and my brother and now I want to kill myself but I can't because I have a little brother to support. So how are you?" Actually, I guess I could have but I didn't. Thus the stupid little rants I have on Xanga was a way for me to reach out I guess. Poor way but a way nonetheless. I mostly put my most intimate and emotional thoughts in my journal and believe me, its best that it stays there. Thoughts are great but sometimes very dangerous.
Anyways, now that I have found my Xanga again, hopefully I can actually use it to my advantage. For my real thoughts and reflections. Then again, we'll just have to wait and see won't we...
Thinking back and just reading my blogs does make my heart tingle however. That annoying nervous feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, but not in a good way. Life has indeed changed for me and its better but not great. Then again, who am I to be selfish. There are people out there who are starving, dying, ill, homeless and here I am thinking about how life isn't "great." What does it take for it to be great, you may ask? And believe me, a lot of people ask me that all the time. And yes I know what your thinking. And yes I know that I am truly blessed in a lot of ways. But life was not easy for me growing up as a child. I grew way too fast, way too soon and now I think I'm down to 35% mana. Sorry, a Diablo term from the game but let me tell you why it's such a great term. This is from wikipedia about Diablo (don't you just love wikipedia?)
- Life
represents how much damage the character can take before dying, also
informally called "hit points".
- Mana
represents the character's spiritual essences. Casting spells requires
mana. Therefore the more mana is available, the more spells can be
cast.
Damage to life? No, I don't think that I have been "hit" enough to die yet, physically anyway. However, don't get me started on that topic, because that would require a whole other blog. Damage to mana? Heck yea. My spritual essences have been worn down and I am struggling to regain it everyday. But honestly, life would be great if I had my brother around. It would be more than great, it would be complete. And until then, I am just patiently waiting for that day to come.
Something random, I've been playing "I'll Stand by You" by the Pretenders on repeat and I am just amazed by how good it is. A great song. The kind of song I would want to dedicate to all my friends. Also, one that I would hope someone would dedicate to me too. "Take me into your darkest hour..And I'll never desert you. I'll stand by you...."
You know, I use to write a lot of poetry. I actually have a book that I was even contemplating about publishing. But I don't write anymore and I'm not quite sure why either. It use to be a way for me to get my emotions down on paper, in an artistic way. Although, if you look at my notebooks for class, I do have random passages written down and such but I don't get inspired anymore. This worries me.
The moon's not out tonight. I guess I'll try another time.
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| Whoa..Xanga!Wow, I haven't used Xanga since 2005! I didn't even know that I still had one. It's actually quite fun and interesting reading my old blogs. Makes me realize how much I have grown.
At the same time, it made me remember my younger years. When blogging was your only escape, as well as your way of reaching out to the world.
It amazes me the things that I wrote...this will require a reflection blog a little later. But right now, I think I'm just going to take it all in for a little bit.
"Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted,
it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted."
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| THINGS CHANGE. there are many things that can change in a person's
life. an d sometimes things cant
really be fixed...
ONLY TIME CAN TELL
WAT THE FUTURE BRINGS.....
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| people are always wondering about me...i have always wondered about me...i mean wat the hell is going
on in my life?? i dun even know or understand what is happening...i hate my life..i hate everything that is
going on...i just dunno wat to do...
*sigh* why is my life so fucced up...why is everything going wrong now...my last year of high school...
when i have to deal with everything..............
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that is how i feel...just wanna yell at the top of my lungs...and hope everything would just go away!!!!
i just cant do this alone...why do i feel so alone............ | | |
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