SugarCooki_ofDoom's Xanga

What Do I Do?

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 21:23:28 GMT

Stress. Stupid, stupid stress! Yet why do I feel like I'm addicted too it? I seem to add stress onto myself. I worry too much. Acutally, I don't think worry is really the right word. No, I think it's more that I care too much. I want to be a female Ghandi, a less insane John Lennon, a role model! I want people to look up at me and think about things that are important. I want to shield the world from all these horrible monsters: lust, greed, hate.

But what can I do?

Nothing.

You want to know why?

Because I'm just like them. I'm a sinner too. No matter how much I wish, I can't be an angel with shinning wings of white with a shimmering golden halo. I'm just a dirty, little good for nothing sinner. I think that's why I'm so angry instead of sad these days. I used to cry all the time but something changed. I've cried all the tears I can cry. My sadness is now replaced with a rage and she is very, very angry! When people put me down, I ingore them and think about how I can put them down. I know it's horrible but I just don't seem to care anymore. I'm scaring myself but I'm afraid to tell anyone becuase they might think I'm crazy! I'm not! I want to be normal! I'm so scared right now, what am I suppose to do?

I'm not crazy.

Am I?

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 11:06:06 GMT

Just to let everyone know, I am not dead!

I've been hanging out on Myspace alot but I've returned to my beloved xanga. I'll bring some rantings later.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 21:06:22 GMT

I scream bloody murder at the top of my lungs and don't remember it. I open my eyes, people are staring at me and I have tears running down my face. Everyone said they heard me screaming. Amanda was scared.

And I don't remember anything.

Why does that happen? It doesn't make any sense to me. I've never done anything like that in my life before. This is the second time is has happened and it's really weird. Why wouldn't I remember something like that? I scream pretty dang loud. I think I would have remembered that.

Sorry I haven't updated in a while.

But guess what! My birthday is next Friday!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 17:07:21 GMT

Wow. The new web long thingy is different.

I am thankful. Very thankful. I am thankful for the following.

1. My family

2. My friends (including Susan and Miss Barefield)

3. The Musical Cats

4. Vic Mignogna

Why is it, then whenever you want someone to leave you alone, they always find you and ask 'What's wrong?' and when you try to make them leave, they stay till they find out and then make you feel better?

I think it's a sixth sense or something.

I thank God for giving family members and friends this wonderful ability.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 17:26:49 GMT

I've come to a conclusion: I do not need a boyfriend.

Is there a reason I've always felt like I needed a better half at the age of seventeen? Maybe it's because I'm a hopeless romantic. I don't know but I really don't care anymore. I mean don't get me wrong, I would love to have a boyfriend right but I really don't need one.

Mom says that I'm perfectly fine without one and she's right. I don't need a guy to make me feel loved: I am loved! I mean, I'm Nickel! Everyone loves me! (Except for leprechauns but the don't count0

I don't think I could handle a boyfriend right now. I mean, I wouldn't want to have a panic attack every time we kissed or something. Acutally, that be kinda funny somehow.

Okay, not really.

Plus, I couldn't stand someone who was constantly restrciting my freedom, telling me I can and can't do. I already get enough of that from parents, teachers and sometimes, church. Not to mention what if I had a boyfriend that hated Mana? Or CATS? That's like taking away my air!

So basically, I'm acutally glad I don't have a boyfriend. I love being free! Not to mention I get to flirt with whom ever I want boy or girl! ^.^

I love being me.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 13:19:39 GMT

I'm starting to think Merf is my twin. We were separated at birth and I can out with a skin condition or something.

I know me and Merf aren't close but we we have this strange twin thing going on!

First off, we both love Japanaese rock bands and thin that cross dressers as the cat's meow. (The pun here is slightly intended) Secondly, she knows who the Rum Tum Tugger is and knows the name of who played Munkustrap in the video! They're is most likely more we have in common. I'll probably find out sooner or later.

Now for the good news.

I haven't had a panic attack in two weeks and I haven't fainted. It's a miracle! I'm slowly learning how to control this. If I start coughing, I go outside for a while until I calm down. I've also started singing to myself because it seems to help. Who knew Starlight Express would do wonders! I would start singing loud but I'm not sure my Spanish teacher would enjoy listening to me singing Memory.

I'm still not to wild about loud noises. I have some really big classes and they're filled with talkative idiots who do not know when to shut up! I can't stand it! That's when I start coughing most of the time. Still, I'm learning how to deal with it. I'm just really glad I haven't fainted. I'm tried of them calling Miss Gibbs or Miss Smith and then they come down and I'm alright! I wake up, feeling happy and perky. Those smell salts also have helped a lot. I'm really glad I have them. (Even though they are really strong.)

I'm also glad I have friends who take such great care of me. They're smart and know when something is wrong. I'm really happy I had Miss Barefield (who is still single but I'll fix that) because she's been a great help too. After I fainted on the last day of school (or second to last) she said that was her number one fear: someone fainting on her. April has a great idea for a prank now.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 13:47:54 GMT

Wow, I haven't updated in forever. Basically, this is just a random rant.

I want our Anime Club to put on a production of Cats! It would be so much fun! Sure, we'd have to work on it alot (I wouldn't stand for anything less than 95%. I can't ask 100%. That'd be too much.) but it would lots of fun and would put us on the map in this stupid school! I could already see my friends playing certain parts! I could see Amanda Duhig (who I will rename when I find something exotic that fits her) being Demeter while I played Bombalurina (or Jellylorum) and I could see Brendon making a perfect Mungojerrie. Ted would make the coolest Munkustrap and I could even see if Phebo would play Mistoffelees. Chi would be such a cute Rumeplteazer.

What? Why are you looking at me like that? I'm not done with the the casting!

Now Josh would make a good Pouncival or Tumblebrutus. Maybe Jeff would be Tumble. Then of course we need an Alonzo which might be hard along with a Macavity and maybe even a Rumpus Cat. The kittens will be easy. Amber Davis and her sisters would be perfect. The problem would be a Victoria.

Why do you guys keep staring at me like that?

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 11:52:03 GMT

This week has been hell.

My sister has stayed here for two weeks. Her childern have driven me up the wall. They add onto the noise and stress level here. I can't take it anymore! One is screaming, one is whinning, two televisons are on at the same time with different channels and my mom is trying to tell me something. I'm surprised I haven't had a nervous break down yet! I had fainted on Sunday at church (for the first time this summer) and this whole week has been really hard on me. I've acutally snapped at them a couple times. Thank goodness their leaving today or I might have done something I would have regreted.

I'm going to West Virgina tomorrow and I really don't want anything to happen. I'm really tired of this fainting and crap. I can't live like this forever. I want to be like everyone else. Everyone right now seems to have it so easy. I'm not trying to complain but that's the way it seems right now. No one right now knows what I'm going through. They may have gone through something similar but not like this. I am glad my friends and family are here to help me.

I really scared for myself. I know being scared doesn't help but I'm scared as can be. This isn't normal. I don't know what is going on and sometimes I feel completely helpless. It's not fun. I just want this too stop. I want to live my life normally just like ever other human being.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 13:11:09 GMT

It's offical: Kingdom Hearts is by far the deepest video game ever created.

Or at least one of them.

It's slightly depressing though. This whole deal with darkness in peoples hearts is really true and very sad. No matter how hard we might try there will still be hate, anger, bitterness, sadness, envy and other feelings in our hearts that we can't get rid of. It's human nature basically. I never really thought Disney would come up wtih something so deep and true. I mean they were the ones who came up with the horror known as Lizzie McGuire and they are the ones who gave Lohan a career (if you call it that at least) so it's kinda shocking.

Yeah, this is kinda a post just to post. I'm going to leave for WV in a week. I'm excited and kinda nervous. I really hope everything goes okay.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 16:57:51 GMT

Happy Fourth Everyone!

Nothing of real merit has happened in my life except for this whole Ryan and Jesse thing. KiKi is making a huge deal out of it though.

I know I asked for her help in some areas but she kinda made me feel bad. Apparently, she thought I was only going out with Jesse so I could get back at Ryan. The truth is I like Jesse even though KiKi thinks I need better taste. I talked to Ryan and we both agreed to still be friends. KiKi thought he felt bad about me and Jesse but it turns out that he didn't even know about us. When KiKi told him he made it seem like he was okay and I know he is. I did talk to him however. I told him if he was upset about me and Jesse I'd stop the relationship. I don't want him to be unhappy because of me. That isn't fair to both of us. However, Ryan asked me if I really liked Jesse. I do. I've actually had a crush on him for a long time but that's not the point! Ryan said he didn't want me to be unhappy because of him. We're at an understanding and that's good. Who knows! One day I might go out with that little hobbit.

Tomorrow, I have a WV meeting. I am so going to hear it from Susan.

Oh! I feed the homeless on Saturday! It was really fun! I meet this one guy named Eddie who liked the Beatles and we sang 'Yellow Submarine.' I find it amazing that those who don't have much are happy for what little they have. It makes me feel good. I know that in this world there are those who get the picture unlike many in today's society. I want to go back sometime.