because thats what it seriously feels like.

the first week of school was the best so far this year. i was tnez's favorite, 'prents was awesome, i was making new friends, and then...

we auditioned for sleepy hollow. i admit that my audition wasn't the best, but i was pressed for time and available scene partners, and i thought i did the best with what i had. apparently not. that saturday night was when the cast list went up, and i was expecting something, anything better than what i got. across from my name was "townswoman (family b)". i scanned the rest of the list. two of my friends got speaking roles, three of them were children, and one was the other townswoman. i was really dissapointed. i cried for a good long time and didn't talk to anyone that night or the next morning. i was dreading going to school monday.

but i didn't go to school on monday, or even the rest of the week. not 12 hours after i had been completely devastated, my dad got a phone call that my grandad had suddenly and unexpectedly died. he was 62. i called my friends because, oh yeah, the auditions for the musical were also on monday, and we packed and were on our way in less than two hours. it definately put things in perspective for me, at least for that moment. i was okay with my role. i mean, everyone has bad auditions, and i guess mine was pretty bad, and most of my friends are "children", so they've got to have at least an equal part, right? i got to fly home on tuesday and audition for the musical and then fly back, but that's all i saw of my friends that week, and the last thing they were planning on mentioning was sleepy hollow. by the time i got home, i decided i would hold my head up, and it'd all pay off in the end.

that friday i found out that i made the musical! i even had a name - bess. i tried to research my character, but couldn't find anything. i speculated about who it could be, and thought that my luck was finally back. that monday i went back to school amidst hugs and congratulations (for the musical). when second period rolled around, we blocked the opening. while my part was still small, i was satisfied. i was onstage the same amount of time as all my friends were, and there was a lot of freedom to take with my character. tuesday i started back with azure, and i was able to finish learning and memorize the songs for the concert the next week suprisingly fast. i caught up quick in my classes and was doing well. i made the group musical for ITS, and region music was coming easier. i took two tests in LEAP and thought i did pretty well for missing an entire week.

the next monday i spent the evening searching for an azure dress because tuesday was the first concert. i had a bit of a breakdown after looking for two hours, but we found one, and i liked it, so all was well. on tuesday, abby woke up sick. my mom was trying to take care of her, and we left a couple minutes late. i wasn't worried, though, because people were always late in the mornings, and i might just barely make it anyway. when i walked in i could tell tnez was in a bad mood. they were already singing, so i took my place and joined in. nobody said anything to me, just kept on singing. after the rehearsal, i started to get really excited about the concert. then the section leaders stopped me in the hall. tnez wasn't going to let me sing in the concert because i was late. she had threatened to do just that at the last rehearsal, but no one really took her seriously. and besides, i didn't even know i was late. i figured they started early. nonetheless, i spent the rest of the day in one of those zombie-like states (like i did today) and back and forth from hating tnez to crying all day. 'prents was where i got the most support, and i was starting to feel better, but being in third period with tnez avoiding me just brought me back down. i took two algebra tests that afternoon, and thought i might fail one of them. i went to the concert that night, thinking i'd be supportive, but watching azure perform without me was tough, not to mention everyone asking me why i wasn't singing.

as if that wasn't enough, i had discovered that, not only did i have a small role in sleepy hollow, i had the smallest role. even "townswoman a" got more stage time than i did. and the children were the comedic relief, so they were pretty much nonstop in act one. i started doubting my ability hold my head up and be positive, but kept on anyway. i got my tests back, and found out i had made low b's on every single one. musical rehearsals also started, and i found out i had pretty well overestimated my character. i still was the only sophmore girl with a speaking role, but the "speaking" was one line, and there were ensemble members in more scenes that i was. but you have to understand, i was still happy with that. i am still happy with it. it just didn't help my mood much, since everything seemed to be going wrong lately.

then all the azure girls got an email from tnez wanting us to meet her before our secional on thursday morning. everyone thought she had been way too harsh, and most of us were expecting and explanation as to why she had been acting so weird. instead, she told us that if one more person was late this year, azure would be over. and if any one person was ever unprepared, azure would be over. with that, she gave us five new songs to learn - by tuesday. we called emergency rehearsals and sectionals every morning that week, over the weekend and monday morning, but we got it learned. and all that time, tnez avoided my gaze and questions in third period as we plunked through music i could sight-read.

which brings us up to this week. i didn't turn my research paper in early on monday for bonus points, thought almost everyone else in my class did. tuesday's rehearsal went well, if by "well" you mean tnez saying nothing but "thank you for being prepared" as we walked out the door. 'prents was the same. we blocked the party scene where i sit at the table, eat, walk left, walk center, and leave, and the finale, where i walk left and freeze. i spent most of my time practicing region music, as the auditions were yesterday, and i was feeling pretty confident...

then came the latest and lowest blow. i didn't make region, and some other people (whose names i'm not going to say) did. i spent a week at baylor, practiced nightly, endured ms. montgomery's critiques, missed an algebra test, and stayed up untill 11:00 working on my research paper for absolutely nothing. so i won't be lettering this year. the earliest i'll be able to actually get my jacket now is senior year, about the same time everyone else gets their pity jackets. i mean, this was the one thing i absolutely had to do this year. everything else, well, there's always next year, but not for this. and the worst part is that i probably would've made it, had i sung alto 2 instead. alto 1 is just too competitive. anyway, i cried first period, second period, third period, and finally called my mom to pick me up in fourth. no one from choir said hi or smiled at me today, probably because they didn't know what to say.

rehearsal went really badly today. when wilson started talking about how we weren't having fun with the show, i realized - i'm not. i'm not having a good time at all this year. i'm starting to think that i did too well last year to be sucessful this year. or, even worse...

i'm just not as good as i thought i was.

yes, i know you're looking at this!

i just set up her old xanga for her, cause i started using this one in 6th grade. albeit the end of 6th grade, but still. ahh those old entries are so funny! i'm sure i'll be looking back at these in a few years thinking i was so immature and stupid! whatever. i am. i know that.

you know, its going to be a lot weirder for the next generation, because all their parents will have so much more documentation of their lives. i mean, with youtube and all the digital cameras, pretty much our whole lives are archived. not to mention weblogs. i mean, won't it be weird to be able to go on the internet and look at stuff 30+ years old? will those webpages still work, even? i'm just thinking about the limited pictures i have of my mom as a little kid, but we've got home videos of me that are old old old. i dunno, it'll just be different.

anyway, back on subject, today we went to the degrows' (my cousins') house for the annual water balloon fight. girls won, obviously, but this was the first year that it was actually even teams. we pretty much rocked the house. other than that, me and laney played volleyball in the street a lot, and we watched some volleyball and swimming.

oh my gosh i almost forgot! first azure get together! last night! it was so fun. we got to see all our new music and IT ROCKS!! we're singing the pink panther theme and this awesome song called "good old accapella", along with a whole bunch of others. we're also going to record the national anthem so we can send it in to see if we can sing at the ruff riders' games. and we get dresses instead of the usual pant/blouse combo. VERY exciting. and i also finally got my baylor music back, so i can get to practicing that, too! speaking of region...

the fmhs camp starts on monday, but i'm still not sure what time it starts. i think i'll text tnez tomorrow and ask her. i still think mom has it in an email somewhere, but she doesn't believe me.

otherwise...? i'm doing pretty good on summer reading, considering. i'm planning to finish i am scout today, and get started on guns, germs, and steel tomorrow. still hating it, but its tolerable.

i'm gonna go check if abby's still awake. she's watching "ferris bueller" in the living room. she's so brainwashed. i love it!

i'm hoping to go shopping for my new "style" tomorrow, but we'll see.

ahh monster's inc. you never fail to amuse.

soo yeah. finished breaking dawn yesterday (see previous post) and am now on to the ever disappointing i am scout. its like, what, written for 5th graders?? i wouldn't be so annoyed with it if it wasn't written on such a low reading level! i mean, seriously, it sounds like he's talking to a four year-old! "and he wasn't very nice." WHAT?!? gahh... why can't we just read mockingbird and get it over with??

hmm what else? oh, went to the mall last night. went to DEB, cause we had to return some stuff brooke got. i decided that i'm copying cailey by adopting a brighter, funkier style (yes, i just said "funkier"), only to be disappointed when NOTHING FIT. but, at least it was something i couldn't help. it all fit fine over my stomach, looked great, actually, but my SHOULDERS are TOO freaking BIG. i had to go to the plus sizes to get anything to wrap around my man shoulders, only to be completely unsuprised when i ended up looking pregnant from there down. gaw. oh well. i'm not that disappointed, cause at least there's nothing i can do about it. i got big shoulders. DEAL.

yep. that's about it. went to blockbuster afterward... got "21" with my gift card i got at VBS, and brooke rented "little manhattan" AGAIN. seriously, we should just buy it. we rent it pretty much everytime we go there.

ooh and i'm going to get my wisdom teeth out soon. they're driving me crazy! one has grown in so much i keep accidentally biting the gum there when i chew! its soo annoying. it won't be until september, though. everybody's trying to get theirs out before school starts. i'm kinda worried about missing school then, cause we'll most likely be in intense rehearsals for sleepy hollow, but i guess there's not a lot i can do about it.

so i've made some resolutions ("oh my - just defying reasons why - is an absolutely insane resolution to live by - live high") for the new school year...

1. start weight watchers again
2. take piano and actually practice it
3. actually practice for voice lessons, too
4. stop criticizing myself for acting lame
5. wear brighter colors
6. stop being intimidated
7. grow out my hair
8. wear my hair down more often
9. stop thinking that everyone understands that i'm kidding when i insult my friends because, apparently, its not as funny as i think it is
10. etc...

yay for bettering myself!

yeah that's it. just thought i should write them down somewhere so i wouldn't forget them. maybe at the end of the year i'll come back and read them, just to make sure i accomplished them.

alrighty, i'm off to read! eww...

WE SAW THE DARK KNIGHT AT BAYLOR AND IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME!!

seriously (haha), it was really really really really good. heath ledger is soooo getting an oscar. i'd bet money on it. its really dissapointing, now more than ever, that he died. he was such an amazing actor. me and brooke are (hopefully) going to see it today, cause it was just that good. its like harry potter or pirates, actually, because both of those movies i saw with friends as soon as they came out and then took brooke to see the next day!

soo... yeah speaking of baylor...

that was also awesome! i roomed with ellie and my mom brought us decorating stuff which we used to both decorate our room and get into trouble. luckily, we decided to be "dangerous" the same night a couple of freshman decided to put coins in the card slots and cost the school thousands of dollars. they didn't even say anything to us! so, of all the times to get into trouble, that was definately it. then, my mom sent us homemade cookies which were gone in, like, an hour. oh, and the night before that was the talent show. obviously, everyone sang apart from the counselors, who did skits. including (but not limited to):

- baylor puppet pals: the "pals" discover a mysterious ticking noise... (a metronome)

- "we are counselors (happy as can be)": "we are counselors happy as can be. and if i weren't a counselor..."
        - a farmer i'd be! give, bessy, give, my baby's gotta live!
        - a cheerleader i'd be! who's that spartan in my teepee? it's me! it's me!
        - a pole i'd be! pole!
        - a camper i'd be! i'm too cool for my name tag, i'll text if i want!
        - dr. ames i'd be! time to warm up take a stand! don't be scured.

- stewart (of madtv fame) checks in to choir camp:
        "what do we say about little boys who brag about their singing voices?"
        "i don't wanna say it."
        "say it."
        "i don't wanna say it."
        "say it, stewart."
        "little boys who brag about their singing voices grow up to be tenors."

- ti-la the bisectional: ti-la attemps to decide who will be her choir camp fling - tenor or bass? (hence, bisectional) but, her chosen tenor rejects her when he finds out that she's an alto. she quickly recovers from her broken heart at the appearance of the alto accompanist.

- a sample of the baylor opera program: "i wanna make love in this club", "umbrella", "ridin' dirty", etc...

and there was this totally awesome kid who wrote his own song and played the piano! personally, i think he should have won, but whatever. the prize was a $15 starbucks gift card, so i don't feel like he missed much. it was called "take it back". its pretty much been stuck in my head non-stop.

but yeah, otherwise we pretty much just made fun of ryan being a vegetarian and the new freshman guy with the creepishly blue eyes. jacob was there too, but we're kind of all used to his weirdness by now. i learned to play cliff, the first round being the last three guys mentioned. oh, and we also learned some music. haha.

yeah otherwise...? 12 dancing princesses was really good! yeah...

oh, and i also finished the curious incident and started guns, germs and steel which, suprisingly, doesn't suck as much as i thought it would. i could be wrong, though, i'm only on like page two.

alright, i'm done. with any luck, i should be leaving for the movie soon.

i'm doing better. i didn't feel the need to post at all yesterday or the day before!

anyway, thursday night i went to melissa's house and DOMINATED poker. then we watched "el orfanato" and scared the crap out of ourselves when the neighbors started setting off firecrackers. then we played a little more poker and watched "the illusionist", which i had never seen and proved to be AWESOME. i'm not sure if i like it or the prestige better... i'd probably have to watch it when i'm not dead tired next time. then i went home the next morning...

on friday (yesterday), i made cupcakes and arranged them to look like an american flag, put cool whip on jello, and got countless people with "do they have july 4th in england?" (the answer being yes, but they don't celebrate). then i went to my cousin's house and listened to him tell stories about the corps at A&M and ate the same cupcakes i had made that morning. i also decided that i will probably choose latin as my foreign language. then laney came over and we watched the fireworks at FMHS from our backyard and lit some illegal fireworks as well. then we watched "ferris bueller's day off" and fell asleep. until...

this morning i made eggs on the new griddle which some idiot put a hole in so i also got eggs all over the kitchen counter, too. then i made toast, viciously. then my mom brought us smoothies and we watched "the best of SNL '06-'07" and she went home. then i sat down and started this blog.

umm yeah so that's pretty much it. oh, i actually started on my summer reading! yeah! i'm annotating first, cause we're not being tested on it. i picked the curious incident of the dog in the night-time, which has proved to be AMAZING. i really like it a lot. and another thing, i don't really mind annotating so much, either. i mean, i would rather not, of course, but it's not as torturous as some people make it sound.

i'd like to get together with ashley, casey and emily soon. i miss my band friends. and ellie too, but we're going to baylor together so i'll see her... jeez, is that next week? well, technically, week after next, because weeks technically start on sunday. i never got that. wouldn't it make more sense to start on monday when the work and school weeks start? well, whatever.

hmm... and that's pretty much it. hopefully i'll do something more exciting soon.

i've posted so seldomly in the last year that if you scroll down you'll find a post from exactly a year ago today.

well, whatever.

my dad still wants us to move closer to the dealership. the school that he wants me to go to doesn't even have a theatre program! so... yeah that's not happening.

so... freaking... bored...

i wish i had a play to be in right now. reeeeally.

help me out
said the minnow to the trout
i was lost
and found myself swimming in your mouth
help me chief
i've got to plans for you and me
i swear upon this riverbed
i'll help you feel young again

not your every day circumstance
hummingbird
taking coffee with the ants

please, 
i know that we're different
we were one cell in the sea
in the beginning
and what we're made of
was all the same once
we're not that different
after all

help me out
said the eagle to the dove
i've fallen from my nest so high above
help me fly
i am too afraid try
now saddled with a fear of heights
i'm praying you can set me right

not your everyday circumstance
elephant
sharing peanuts with the rats
and I said

please, 
i know that we're different
we were one cell in the sea
in the beginning
and what we're made of
was all the same once
we're not that different
after all

we are tied in history
connected like a family

please, 
i know that we're different
we were one cell in the sea
in the beginning
and what we're made of
was all the same once
all the same
we're not that different
after all

that'd be what i'm listening to. yaaay.

well this was really lame.

bye.

we enjoy... nuts.

soo today i found my monolgues for paws/prents auditions. i went to the library with audrey and cailey, buuut we didn't really find anything there. i found four on the internet, which i love. now all i gotta do is narrow it down...

hmmm... OMG. I MADE POP SHOW. WTF?? i think the only reason they picked me was cause they needed a. someone from 3rd period and b. a slower song. still, though, i feel pretty durn accomplished.

ooh what else? relay 4 life! its gonna be totally fun! its the same night as choir banquet, but that's okay. we're gonna have a good time!

thinking of new things...

nope. nothing else. except...

i saw my guy who i might possibly like today. whoop whoop. i almost told him his dimples were cute, buuut then i didn't. that could suck a little.

ghahahaha. nervous about various auditions next month. especially theatre. i mean, no matter what, i'm going to be in choir next year, its just deciding what class i'm in (preferably 2nd period, but they usually move people up at least one choir, so that doens't worry me as much), but theatre... if you don't make paws/prents, you're taking theatre 3 and/or theatre 4. sheesh. they don't do any shows or anything! and then i'm trying out for JUNIOR year, and hopefully i'd make prents by then, but if i didn't? and even if i did, would i ever get to paws at all?

i should be doing my geometry review. this probably isn't very smart.

but then again... what if i do make prents? then i'm stuck deciding between one or the other, or i could pull a robin and split them between the semesters, but still. then i miss a semester of JV choir and a semester of JV theatre, which kinda sucks all around, huh?

yep. it does.

okay. i think i'll go to be now. i didn't get much sleep last night because of the storms, anyway.

well, it was implied!

so yeah. i think i'll talk about the madrigal now.

OH MUH GAH! such fun! umm except the bit about the hairspray cd in the dressing rooms. i wanted to rip my hair out. literally.

anyway, the play was really really silly. each performance got both sillier and dirtier at the same time. tom hamlett's "manly charms"? TMI! KIA! sheesh. but still...

"iiiiii'mmmm a catipillllarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..."
"the butterfly... that was... eaten... by the boar..."
"let me guess, the zero said, 'you're opressing me because i'm a lower number.'"
"okay, i'm confused."
"what kind of dancing is this?!"
"lets... get it on the way!"
"you really do love me! ...in a friendly, fraternal, brotherly kind of way..."
"and of course he was mister grabby hands the whole time!"

i love how i talk about these people like i know them.

umm yeah and when we were going around singing ensembles, i was trying to get past the senior table and tommy wall was like, "hey! are you guys singing?" and i was like, "...yeah." and then like the whole end of the table was like, "sing for us!" so we did. and we didn't suck that bad. LIFE GOAL ACCOMPLISHED!

ooh what else? nothing, really. i found out what kind of cologne he wears. ellie wants it for christmas.

OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT! tom hamlett kissed ashley clyde! yep! it's funny because he kinda played his character as gay, and ashley was supposed to be playing a man. yep.

so yeah. it was pretty sad the last time. all the seniors were crying. and most of the juniors too.

anyway, today we watched a video due to state law about abusive relationships, and it's not that i don't take abusive relationships seriously, but this video was HISTERICAL! my favs...

"if you leave me, i kill myself. i serus. i do it."
"you look free!"

and the acting was just downright awful. let me explain...

the first couple was dante and sophia. dante had an ex girlfriend who claimed he had abused her, but sophia didn't care. she asked dante out on a date to the mall, to which he said, "what? girls can't ask guys out. if i wanted to go out with you i'd ask you myself! naw, i was just kidding. but let's get this straight, i make all the desicions." and so sophia stays with him. they go the mall, and he's really sweet, but then on the way out to the car she does something to get him mad and he blows up at her. sophia gets a bad feeling. she goes to roberta, dante's ex, who (in pantomime) explains how he pulled her arm and verbally abused her, and how sophia should get rid of him (indicated by her pointing her thumb over her shoulder).

eh, i gotta go read biology. i'll finish this later.

yyyeah the celebration this year was kinda lame. basically, the kids sit around and the adults get drunk.

that's my dad's family for ya.

but i do like the holiday. i mean, i am thankful for a lot of stuff, but i think thanksgiving would make more sense to be celebrated with friends and family, not just family, cause i'm thankful for friends too! sometimes maybe even more than family, which sounds terrible, but i didn't get to pick my family, and at least my friends won't ignore me and get drunk. or get drunk and then hold awkward conversations with me.\

*sigh*

oh, but i love them. it's just weird sometimes.

whatever.

if i could bottle you up i'd shove you under my armpits every day!

yeah, it's been forever. life is busssssssssssssssy!

so yeah i made titanic! yay! stewardess robinson. it's a pretty decent part, i'd say. it's SO much fun. i love it verrrry much.

ummm? not much else. i think i found a guy i might like. but today i found out that all those days i thought he was looking at me, he was looking at the clock. so... yeah. i feel dumb. the only person i've told is nicole, because i thought she didn't know him, but she does. so i feel doubly dumb.

ooooootherwise? juh-eez.

it's kinda hard to keep up with all the crap i've gotta do, but i think i'm alright. even if i don't do so hot this semester (which i'm not) i can just totally CRAM for finals. yeah. cause i didn't study at all for midterms and the only grade going towards my GPA is a 91, which is pretty good for being an overscheduled and overwhelmed freshman, right? it's hard. really hard. but i don't wanna give up anything else i'm doing! GAH!

i'm watching the biggest loser. it makes me want to stop eating forever and go run a few miles.

blehhhhhhh. not feeling healthy. ever since i had that sinus thing at the beginning of the year i've kinda been bleh. and i just got more sicker cause that dumb staph on my leg infected my thumb and pinky nails, so my fingers swelled up yesterday and were literally KILLING me. but it's okay now. although i had a table dropped on my freaking shin today which is also hurting and has turned into a huge gash and i'm praying it doesn't get infected too and then i'll just be all GROSS all the time!

that was gross. infections are gross. staph is gross.

juh-eez! why isn't svu on yet?! all the TV stations have gone all wonky with their times.

wtf wonky?

leaving.