I know I should be either studying for my AP's or SAT II math right now, but I'm being a maverick within my self-imposed world, so..... You know what? I am going to let go of my anxiety for grades, colleges, and all that crap because God has everything planned out already. Yes, yes, yes, yes, I should still work hard in school and try my best in exams, but if I have tried my best, I shoud give the results a break. I know I've said this a thousand times, but I have not yet successfully rid myself of this anxiety. Sitting beside a know-it-all in history is so hard. Comparing grades with other people is not my thing; however, I have a hard time containing my competitiveness in history because it's one subject that I actually excel in. Oh why why why why? It's so stupid, I know (I don't know how many times I've used that expression this year). Ugh, it irks me so much though! It's not even his fault, you know. I am annoyed because I allow myself to be annoyed. How convenient.

Anonymous Admirer

Ambling down the asphalt,

I spotted a rose

Within parades of splashing colors -

And sibling flowers

A gardener soon tended his rose,

Averting his gaze from the blinding dew

Resting on the petals,

While smiling at the lentils

Red as Burmese ruby

Fragrant as Bordeaux wine

Muted praise poured forth from my lips 

And admiration from the fingertips

I appraised from afar

its tender sway – to and fro

For a trice, this momentary intimacy -

Bequeathed - a blessing from anonymity

I hate math... Why didn't God give me a brain for numbers? Ugh, SAT math in a little less than two weeks and I'm still failing every practice test! Hate functions, hate conic section, hate probability... ughhhh, this is getting on my nerves.

I don't have time.

The power of prayer is truly amazing. I am glad of your decision and I am at peace with it too... believe it or not, I don't think I would trade anything for where I am in the situation right now. Contentment heals all soul wounds.

(sigh) my grade has been soooooo bad lately! I just failed my AP chem test (seriously, not "asian fail", but fail as in probably 40% fail); I'm not doing too well in advanced math (stupid really, because I learned it all in 8th grade); I didn't do too well on my term paper (it was below my expectations); and my AP history tests aren't reflecting much optimism either (getting my lowest test grades yet in the year). I think I have too much activities going on, but what can I do? I love everything I am doing! Prone to basing my contentment on academics, I really need to remind myself everyday how there is so much more to life than report cards. College should cause no anxiety because God has already prepared something for me, whatever that is. As long as I am willing to put my faith in that, everything will be okay.

Keep pushing.. May will be a hectic month, but I'll survive.

You only stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep
I was meant to tread the water
But now I've gotten in too deep

For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might know my heart

You only waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what they mean

I never thought that I'd love someone
That was someone else's dream

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might call you from my heart

But it might be a second too late
And the words that I could never say
Are gonna come out anyway

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might know my heart

Even though I know that nothing will come out of it, my heart still aches. That's the thing: knowing something does not erase feeling something. What if it really did happen? What if my wish comes true? I will still reject it in the end, so why do I even long for it in the beginning? That's the thing, one can never really control his emotions even though he knows the result leads to nothing. It has happened so many times now - the same thing over and over again. The same beginning just keeps on repeating itself, so I reap the same ending all over again. I heal from the same heartache one moment ago and then the same process rips it open again seconds later. Some people, after hearing my story, will laugh at my resolves and say that I am giving myself trouble. It may very well be what they say. My own choice is causing me grief, yet this choice considers the big picture even when my temperary whims do not. So, in times like this when my whims threaten to overwhelm me, I have to hang onto my resolve, the only thing that stands firm, despite deluges of insane protests raging inside my frame. Nevertheless, all these thoughts do not make my "hanging on" any easier. The protests still exists, accompanied by tempting persuasion and biting wounds, and there is no way to reason them away. Knowing and feeling, as I have come to realize, are independent of each other. Everytime I see you, my knowledge gives away into undulating emotions that strengthens in intensity; with each ripple of nameless sentiments, I contend with my other self in order to restore my dissipating knowledge and sanity. It is a hard battle.

Why, oh why? I allow you to steal my most precious possession, despite the forboding sense that you will return to me empty-handed, the possession resting somewhere unchanged in contenance or texture.

Where are you, my friend, when I need you?

I am so stupid.

Yet I will try to rest serenely in thy presence. I will try to love instead of wrapping myself in these petty heartaches. I will try to furthur your cause, and in turn, allow you to heal my inner frame. It is difficult, but definately worth a try.