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SwtLiLNhi24
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Name: Nhi
Birthday: 7/27/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: Food, sweets, soft things, squishiness, watermelon, sad love music, singing in the shower, sleeping, cuddling, getting drunk, laughing, chocolate chip icecream, half price appetizers from applebees, my aKDPhi girls, TERRIFICS Thetas.., <3, fun, rainy days, hugs, roses, guys that wear cologne, working out, kisses, affection, challenges, and anything else life has to offer...
Expertise: Wherever I shall go, drama follows..
Occupation: Student
Industry: Medical
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  SwtLiLNhi
Member Since:
10/4/2003
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| It's strange how I ended up on this xanga page once again. Perhaps chance did lead me here once and for all if my assumptions are correct and if that chance had been the result of my encounter....
I am now almost 23 years old, graduated from Stony Brook University. Oh how many memories I have made there and will keep with me for all time. The most vivid memories of all are the memories that have consumed me throughout my entire four years at Stony Brook University.. It all began when I met you two weeks into my freshman year and it will now end with a final goodbye. For years, I didn't know what to expect from you, what to believe. I was blinded by love and trusted in you even after you have done me wrong. I guess my love for you was always unconditional.. I wondered how long it would take me to get over you, how long until I was able to move on with my life.. without you in the picture. I transitioned through the stages of anger, denial, hate, then back to making up excuses for why things turned out the way they did, seeing you in the best light possible, loving you, wanting to be with you, not wanting to lose you.. I even tried to have you as a friend if nothing at all, and I tried to fight it when you came back to me.. repeatedly. Now I sit here and thought about the outcome, what has become of us, of our relationship with one another. There are many stages throughout the four years that I have though there was a real ending between us. But to my surprise, somehow you always came back and it was never the last goodbye. I sometimes think whether or not there will be a real goodbye, or are our souls just going to keep lingering on forever. I know that I cannot and will not forget you, no matter how hard I try to rid you from my mind. You have always been there, eating away at me. Even to this day, I don't know what the truth is. I don't know whether or not I could trust your words, believe you when you told me that you loved me and only me. After stooping to the lowest level possible just to find out if you were telling me the truth because I found it so hard to accept what you were telling me. You were never much of a man of action, always charmed me with the things you would say. I speculated a few things, and I realized that I cannot win in this game, this war that I feel that I am in. The truth is, she wanted you just as bad as I did and as long as you're around, she will be around. It's not that I don't love you, it's that it is too tiring for me to try to earn the love from you. I can never be sure, and without the comfort in knowing that you are returning my love, what is the point? I can be as stupid as I always have been and hope that you would love me and only me, and blindly pretend that I am happy with you when I am not. I am bitter about the past, the present, the future even.. and that bitterness, I am afraid, will never go away. I don't know what you are doing now or what you are going to do but I can finally say that I am letting you go. I don't need for you to know that I am, I guess I'm just stating it for myself. As for her.. I don't hate her either, I think that deep down inside, she always made me feel threatened and insecure about myself because I always wondered what she had that I didn't and what made it so difficult for you to let her go, why she keeps hanging around no matter how hard I try to rid you of her. I guess she must feel the same way since we've been in this love triangle for some time now. I don't know what it is that you possess that keeps the both of us coming back to you, because you do not deserve our love. But you have it.. you have it. So today, I'm going to leave all of this behind, I'm not going to reveal exactly what I have found out before giving my last and final goodbye but that is not important now for you have probably already said your goodbyes to me. Thank you always for showing me how to love..
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| How many people use Xanga nowadays? I wonder if one day, Xanga is just going to disappear along with the countless memories, endless thoughts and expressions displayed through a few written lines or paragraphs and paragraphs of written words that later on by no means is able to express how we feel deep inside, no matter how hard we try to reach out to the world. If that does happen, I think I would cry... Even though I rarely check up on my xanga page and other people's xanga pages (that I used to stalk about 10 times a day) I still enjoy reading some of the old entries or look at the pictures that have long been forgotten. I find that pictures do express a thousand words because when I see a picture that either I'm in, or a picture of someone else taken in a place simultaneously, a burst of feelings come from within me, and all of a sudden, vivid memories come flooding back, overwhelming and exhausting me. Why is it that memories can be so powerful and precise when you choose to remember something, or even when you have tried over and over to block them out. Why are memories so damn selective and can choose to bring back anything it wants to. Memories can hurt, they can heal, they can give a person a sense of comfort, they can judge, they can teach, but most importantly, they are by far the most important thing that we need to always cherish because memories are what we are all composed of. Without it, life would not exist. I'm not sure where I'm getting at here, but I guess I was looking back at someone's xanga (someone very dear to me) and I don't know why I feel sad when I look at the previous entries and pictures. Most of the entries didn't even include me, but I felt as though I was somehow incorporated into that time frame and some of the words written were in reference to me. (I may be wrong) How is it that after three years, I am still with the same asshole I wrote about so passionately and bitterly in my xanga entries? (He's not really an asshole) I just can't understand it... I should be happy and I very much am, but I still question how things ended up this way. We started out as such different people, with different outlooks in life, but we loved like we've never been hurt and dove into everything impulsively, desperately, and with no shame. I wonder if we will ever gain back that passion that we once felt for eachother. Now it's merely an "adult" relationship, where you have to be realistic and think things through before you do or say them or it will affect the future. It's a time where you have to hold back sometimes, because you're still afraid that you will get hurt and afraid that everything you've worked for will fail. It's a time for transitioning into the "real" world and to establish yourself as an individual and to find your place in this world. Is it possible to get there with someone beside you? I want to believe that it can happen, and I still do believe that it will happen if there is enough love to lead the way. But I also can't help being afraid that I will lose it all, lose all that I have now that brings me happiness and sweet sorrow. I can't help fearing that something I want so much to work out won't work out.. and I will be left shattered in pieces =/ I guess if you want to fall in love.. you should not be afraid of getting hurt.. plain and simple as that... For once in my life, I know for sure what love feels like and I have no doubts in my mind that it came knocking on my door and stood there before me, reaching out with open arms with a big huge warning sign in front of it saying .. "You can take me in, but know that something that tastes this sweet can poison your soul.." So there you have it.. another time-wasting entry as a result of my procrastination and wandering thoughts expressed in written form.. which I'm sure I've written mostly for myself.. | | |
| hi... I haven't written here in a while so I thought that I should at least write a few words. Lately, I've been more confused than ever and I don't exactly know to do with it but I'm trying to figure things out. I know how lucky I am and how I should really appreciate what I have right now. I want to .. but at the same time.. i'm not so sure. I don't want to write anymore
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| Winter break is almost over, yet again. I kept myself occupied during this break, so it went by rather quickly. My routine was very much the same as it had always been during breaks.. The process of painfully waking up at 7 a.m. to go volunteer at St. Joseph's Hospital until about 2-3 p.m. or so and then going to work at the grocery store for the rest of the night. I'm finally going to be quitting that job after this break since I'm planning on staying at Stony Brook this summer. At least I will get my 4th year scholarship from them.. I'm not going to complain about an extra chunk of cash =) I can't believe that I've been working there for almost 4 years now. Who knows I would've kept the same job starting from my junior year in high school. The people that work there now are mostly either high school students or old people working part time. The 15 and 16 year old high school students make me feel like an old fart although I know I haven't quite reached that point yet. It's just that being in a "younger" environment inevitably makes me feel old as it would anyone else.
I started talking to and hanging out with a person that was once very important in my life again this break that I haven't spoken to for almost 3 years now. It's funny how within those few years, we've both remained exactly the same.. or at least the same to eachother, just in a different context. However, all of the things that have happened in between makes us rather different whether or we may know that or not. I'm not sure if my experiences have changed me as a person since they do force you see to view things in a new perspective or light. We don't exactly discuss anything that had happened from the point of not being in contact until now so I feel as if we are picking up our relationship right from my high school graduation, where we had buried it. I wonder if we would view each other differently if we were to find out all of the events that had taken place while we were on non-speaking terms. Either way, it is somewhat refreshing to have someone tell me that I had not changed much throughout the years, because I had always been afraid of losing myself somewhere along the way. The only different is that I've gained a bit more experience and developed more patience and understanding. Of course, I have probably picked up a few bad habits here and there but I am inching towards my ultimate goals no matter how long it may take.
I watched the movie "Chasing Amy" the other day and there was one part of the movie that addresses a certain issue that we often face in life when it comes to instilling judgment in ourselves or others. Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams), the lesbian that Holden (Ben Affleck) had fallen in love with and turned straight out of her love for him developed a romantic relationship with one another. However, Holden finds out that Alyssa has had a not-so-angellic past and finds out all the crazy things that she had done in her past, especially when it came to her various sexual experiences. It didn't help that she had both men and women to experiment with since she did not want to limit her options of finding her one and only true love; hence, becoming a lesbian for a segment of her lifetime. Because of Alyssa's past, Holden's feelings for her had changed, or rather, he had an altered view of her character which led to many doubts. It was even bothersome and irritating enough for him to cut their relationship off when they had been wholeheartedly and completely in love. She told him that he should love her because of who she is now and for who she is when she is with him, not for what she had done in the past. Everyone has past, and each person is entitled to make mistakes while creating that past. Alyssa believed that Holden had no right to criticize her or to hold anything against her because of those mistakes. After seeing two conflicted viewpoints, who is right? Should your past be accounted for when the judgment of character comes into play or is it simply the "past" and is that for a reason? I believe that there is a balance of both. Your past decisions make up a part of who you are.. sort of like "scars reminding you that the past is real." However at the same time, the past should not be weighed in so heavily because it is important about where you are going, not where you have been.
I realize that I write about a million different topics all the time in my xanga entries. I try to stick with one subject and write about one specific thing, but by the end of my post, I am either too tired to write about what I set out to write or just simply forgot what I was writing about in the first place. Yes so back to this winter break.. well there's not much to say about it except that it is ending and that I'm very excited to start a brand new semester. The best thing about college is that you can always come back to a fresh new beginning. Every semester is an opportunity to accomplish a new set of goals while trying to find yourself and answer to questions in life simultaneously. This should be interesting..
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| Winter break is almost over, yet again. I kept myself occupied during this break, so it went by rather quickly. My routine was very much the same as it has always been during breaks.. waking up at 8 a.m. to go volunteer at St. Joseph's Hospital until about 2-3 p.m. or so and then going to work at the grocery store for the rest of the night. I'm finally going to be quitting that job after this break since I'm planning on staying at Stony Brook this summer. I can't believe that I've been working there for almost 4 years now. Who knows I would've kept the same job for that long, starting my junior year in high school. Now the people that work there are mostly high school students, and they make me feel like an old fart although I know I haven't quite reached that point yet. It's just that being in a "younger" environment inevitably makes me feel old as it would make anyone feel old.
I started talking to someone again this break that I haven't been talking to for almost 3 years. It's funny how within those few years, we've both remained exactly the same.. or at least when we are together we are exactly the same people. However, all of the things that have happened in between makes us rather different. I'm not sure whether that changes me as a person since experience does make you see things in a new light. We don't exactly discuss anything that has happened to us since we haven't been in contact, so as of right now, its more like picking up our relationship right from where we had left it from when I was graduating from high school. I wonder if we would view each other differentlky if we were to find out what has happened while we weren't speaking. I do realize that I haven't changed much at all as a person, except I've gained a bit more experience and developed more patience and understanding. Of course, I have a long way to go but I'm trying to get there no matter how slow the process may be.
I watched the movie "Chasing Amy" the other day and there was one part of the movie that made me think. Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams), the lesbian that Holden (Ben Affleck) had fallen in love with and turned straight developed a romantic relationship with one another. However, Holden finds out that Alyssa has had a not-quite-so-angellic past and finds out all these crazy things that she had done in her past, especially with sexual experience. It didn't help that she had both men and women since she did become a lesbian for some part of her life. Because of her past, his feelings for her had changed, or rather the way he viewed her had changed. Apparently, it was bothersome enough for him to cut off their relationship when they were completely and madly in love. She told him that he loved her for her, and not for what she had done in the past. Everyone has a past, and people make mistakes and that he shouldn't hold it agaisnt her. So after seeing two conflicted views, who is right? Should your past be accounted for when the judgment of character comes into play or is it simply the "past" and is that for a reason? I believe that there is a balance of both. Your past decisions make up a part of who you are.. sort of like "scars reminding you that the past is real." However at the same time, the past should not be weighed in so heavily because it is about where you are going, not where you have been.
I realize that I write about a million different topics all the time in my xanga entries. I try to stick with one subject and write about one specific thing, but by the end of my post, I am either too tired to write about what I set out to write or just simply forgot what I was writing about in the first place. Yes so back to this winter break.. well there's not much to say about it except that it is ending and that I'm very excited to start a brand new semester. That's the best thing about college, is that you can always come back to a fresh new beginning. Every semester is an opportunity to accomplish a new set of goals while trying to find yourself and answer to questions in life simultaneously. This should be interesting..
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