Okay now I have time to finish thing damn thing, so here it goes.

Alot of things have changed these past two weeks. Not just my living situation, but my whole state of mind altogether. I'll try to put it into words to the best of my ability:

I have awoken from a blinded existence. Redding brings out the worst in people. I faced that firsthand. I didn't have friends. REAL friends, anyway. They only helped me in my time of need strictly to have the fact I'd be sleeping on the street cleaned off their concience. They thought I didn't pay one thing for living with them? The guilt trips alone were WELL worth having a place to sleep. I knew accepting their offers was a bad idea. I told them all that. But they insisted, and the guilt trips followed shortly after, like I predicted.

I've seen alot go on with these people. Relationships either work out or fall apart with one cheating on the other, and to this day not saying a thing. Friends disrespecting each other over something as small as a cigarette. Friends blow each other off saying they were caught up with errands when they really just didn't consider themselves as close of friends. Just way too much to prove none of them are really friends at all. Just a bunch of emo kids who are two-faced losers that are scared to be alone.

I'm not angry at them. I pity them. They said I was the parasite. I was the selfish immature individual bringing them all down. I was the one that had to grow up. But having a job and a car doesn't make you grown up, sorry to burst your bubble. Making yourself civil and even attempting to do something with your life is growing up. Dying your hair purple, wearing eyeliner, slitting your wrists and smoking weed all the time, however, is a prime example of immaturity. I admit, I was like that when I was in Redding. I can honestly admit it was due to influence. All the people I cared about did it, so why shouldn't I? They were the reason I never "grew up". I realize that now. And yet they told ME to grow up? Hypocrisy is the one word that comes to mind after hearing their crap.

I was an individual who smoked weed, wore baggy clothing, dyed my hair constantly without cutting it, and looking down on everything and everyone. I thought I'd be okay in life that way. Then it hit me; around these people, in this lame town we call Redding, my life was at a standstill from when I first moved there when I was 15. Nothing changed, and neither did anyone else, including myself. I was fine drifting with a group of emo loser fags for the rest of my life. I live out in Hayward for two weeks, and my whole world does a 180. I took off the eyeliner, cut my hair, and bought nicer clothes. Along with my image change, my state of mind changed with it. I'm happy  (a RARE thing for me), and I don't look at life so negatively anymore. I think this is all changed thanks to my friends. My REAL friends.

When I moved to Redding, I thought my friends from Antioch abandoned me. I thought they didn't care. I was dead wrong. They were always there for me, they were just doing something with their lives. That's something I haven't seen with anyone else, so I didn't realize what was going on. They still care about me and accept me for who I am and no matter what I do, no guilt included. In addition, Alex included me in his project of getting a house in Antioch soon. I show up again out of nowhere and he's ready to help me out. It's like I never left. I'm so grateful for that. I'm glad I have friends that are there through thick and thin. It gives me hope in people.

In conclusion, living in Redding was hell, but not a total waste and I don't regret it. I had some good times (mostly drunk or high honestly), I got laid plenty of times, and I finished school alot easier than I would've out here. The negatives were finding out who my mother really is, and seeing how shitty and fucked up emo kids, attention whores, and pansy ass spoiled brats can be. I shed too many tears for these people. I cared about these people, and I'm kicking myself for it now. I stood up to my family for them, but my mother was right for once. They were nothing but a bunch of hypocritical immature dramatic faggots and I was going nowhere being around them. They talked behind my back about me constantly when really they'd be the exact same way in my position, but I think it'd be worse. They think they have nothing. Their parents do alot. Every single one of them is a spoiled brat. Their parents would be the only reason I would ever envy them. I'd be happy my biological father would want to come back into my life and make amends, rather than being a fucking queen about it. If I had parents that were willing to let me stay at their house as long as I had a job and started college, I'd be halfway through my courses by now. If my family gave me a care and got me a damn PSP for christmas, I'd do any chores they'd want done. Funny how I'M the ungrateful one, isn't it?

Anyways, this is the end of what I once was and what I once thought was worth fighting for. None of those losers are worth it. I made a FEW friends worth keeping, but they know who they are and this doesn't apply to them. I'll miss them. But I'm never going back to that god-forsaken town. Never.

Goodbye.

I'm SUPPOSED to move in two days...

And no one's around.....