| My first xanga entry in a long long time....felt like writing a little... Tonight was a very interesting night for me…to start out, it was a very nice one. I went to my cousin's house, played guitar for a while, ordered a pizza and watched A Bronx Tale for the first time. It was a great movie…I'll admit the fact that it was filmed five blocks away from me and realizing that everything in 'the Bronx' actually took place in a three block diameter in Astoria somewhat killed the location illusion, but the story and the idea and the meaning was still there. Hell, call it "An Astoria Tale", and I'm all for it. We spent a lot of the movie pausing it and rewinding to see my great-grandmother's old apartment (yes, they actually filmed from her window and towards it…we apparently have stories of camera crews using her bedroom to look out onto the street), and making jokes about macaroni and making Italian sauce. Afterwards, we went upstairs (we were in the basement) to the living room and sat and just talked about…random things…mostly the Beatles and the evolution of music from then to now and the difference between writing songs over time…whether it's gotten better or worse…interesting topics that could take up an entire other entry. My cousin has been there for me through a lot. Granted, we haven't seen eye to eye on occasions, but he's my brother as far as I'm concerned. There are some moments where things just clicked…where you know you have someone out there that'll watch your back and care for you and steer you in the right direction (even if you take some sidetracks in the wrong, just for fun…), and it's not your parents. I guess that's what I have with my cousin…I may not have a brother, but if I ever needed anything, and I mean anything…he'll be there (and maybe I should be happy he's my cousin and not my brother…that'd mean we'd live together and probably kill each other anyway, so yeah…) I guess I just said that because when I left, I felt content. It was a good night. And then I drove home…if anyone hasn't driven home by themselves at night…a nice half hour or so drive, do it. You're alone with your thoughts. There are no sounds outside, no traffic, no nothing. And you think about everything, and it's the most comforting and surreal feeling at the same time. I guess it's because you're in a position that you could think deeply without getting distracted, but you're not stuck in a room or a chair staring at a wall. You're watching the scenery and the lights and the sky and the moon and the river and anything else pass you by smoothly…yeah…I guess that's it. And I thought about something that seems to be everywhere now…two things, really, but I'll get to the other one later. Death Let me explain, because thoughts can go from one thing to another very quickly, but you'll make the connections…whenever I drive now, I realize more and more how people speed and swerve through lanes, and it bothers me. Just today, while getting on the highway, I see two cars weaving in and out of lanes, speeding until I couldn't see them anymore (and it had to be at least 80, because I was going 65, and relative motion and all that crap…) And then I thought about death…within the past month, it feels like everyone is going. Hasan Zaman, a former classmate of mine from high school passed away in a car accident. I don't know exactly what happened, but I've looked at other people's entries about him and I see how much of a best friend he was to Nessa and Jon Crisione and Danny Kupperstock and others. About a week ago, two friends of my cousins from Long Island got into a car accident. One with a senior license let the other with a permit drive the car, and the other wanted to 'see how fast the car could go.' They lost control and crashed. The driver died and the older kid is recovering. 16 and 17 years old. It's not on the same level, but also last week, my grandmother got a call that a best friend of hers had passed away. She was older, but this was a woman that I remember coming over for coffee when I was little before she moved to Florida. And now, you have a 28 year old amazingly gifted actor with a two year old daughter and a possible accidental overdose on sleeping pills. The scary thing about death is that it could come at any time. I mean, I think to myself…if you graduated high school, and someone told you 'congrats, and btw, you have about two and a half more years left', what would you do? Does anyone ever expect that? If you just had your bar mitzvah, and people are talking to you about growing up and being a man, can you even fathom the thought that the manhood you supposedly have to live has to be fit into the next three years, and that's all you got? I mean, only a short while before, or even up to the minute of someone's death, they're thinking about the groceries they have to pick up tomorrow, about the party next week, about going back to school or work or getting a job, or taking care of the kids or making that deal that'll let them go on vacation next year for a month. It's never, 'okay, I have to do this, this and that, and THEN I'm ready to die'. You go when you go. I mean, what do you say to that? How do you react to a feeling like that? The answer is, you can't. You have to just be careful, and while the bus that you're trying to avoid may just come and crash right into you, at least you know you weren't reckless. That's why I saw today those two cars speeding, and the only thought that came to my head was 'c'mon, guys…is it worth it? Because you know that sooner or later, there's gonna be an accident. There always is, and it's gonna be your fault, and the sad part is YOU'RE not gonna be hurt…it'll always be the other guy. The innocent person that was just trying to get home for the night.' Anytime anyone knows someone who passes away prematurely, we think about all the lost potential. All the lost love and goodness that that person could have given to the world. And we hurt inside, because that love was taken from us. But if we have gotten anything from that….if there is ANYTHING to be taken away from these life lessons that we don't want to learn, it's to never let anything go to waste. We as people have so much potential inside us, and we owe it to those others to take hold of it and use it for all that its worth. Give and love and do what you want and make the best out of yourself, and when your time is there, smile and know that you may have some regrets and you maybe never saw Venice, but you lived your life as full as you could have. I'm trying to do that now…I'm trying to do things that I never thought I was capable of, but this time, I'm attempting to go full force into it and make something out of it…as simple as it is, I took Hebrew for a year in HS, don't remember shit. Trying to learn Greek now, and I'm sticking with it, because why not? You better yourself. I'm seeing people that I haven't spoken to in a long time, making new friendships with others, watching foreign and old movies (Casablanca, yes, is excellent), making movies and filming (submitting it to HFC hopefully…), reading new books, newspaper, etc etc etc. It may seem like little things, but it broadens horizons, and honestly…what do you have to lose? You pick up things along the way, and who knows where you'll be in a year from now and what you'll come out of everything with? And now onto the second thing…that other thought that I mentioned earlier. It may not be anywhere for others, and it may be long gone, but it wasn't for me. I was in a relationship for two years, and I loved that girl with all my heart for the entire time…and yeah, I was devastated when we broke up, even though I saw it coming. She was changing and we were growing apart, and things didn't feel the same at all. But it was deeper than that. For two years, she lied about everything. It basically ran our relationship and defined it from the beginning. In my heart, I knew it, but I thought…it's Lara…why would she lie? When I found out, I was pissed off and angry and all of that good stuff. Even now, I think back and realize other little comments or ideas that weren't true. But what really bothered me was when I tried to talk to mutual friends about everything…even people who called ME for the story...not one person believed me because she was saying that I made up everything because I was the angry ex. And I couldn't understand it. I couldn't understand how people I knew from high school, with all this proof and all this detail because I remember it like it was yesterday, was believing a one line of "he's jealous and I don't know why, and what do I do, etc" It was either one of two options in everyone's mind: either I made everything up for some reason, or there was a slight miniscule chance that everything I was saying DID happen to her, and it was easier to believe that I was making everything up. No one ever had the other option in their mind…that maybe, there was a slight chance that Lara actually did lie about everything and I was telling the truth. And here's the kicker…at the end of December into January, I was moving on because frankly, I had to. This girl made it seem like everything was perfect in her life, and I never existed. I had less pics on facebook, she erased her xanga…basically like she was erasing her past so none of these things could ever catch up to her again. I realized that…she said that she wanted to stay friends after we broke up, but after I started to find all of this out and talk to people about it, she got rid of every trace of me she could. And then I start to notice that the last login date for my myspace was still being updated even though I wasn't going on it. My password was lm8105 (lara mike 8/1/05?) The only person who knew it was Lara, because frankly, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone else, and I had no reason to. My mail was being checked before I got a chance to read it (specifically from an old friend that we both knew). So I sent a letter to myself for her to read to see if it was her, saying everything I felt, how I felt about her and what she did, and for the first time that night, I was unblocked on AIM. That was my confirmation. But again, there was no direct IM or anything…it was like she didn't want to leave anything incriminating. Her away message were some lyrics from Dreamgirls about going on the right path and losing friends, and that she was sorry about causing pain. And then she blocked me again. No IM, no text, no phone call. So I left another message on myspace the next night saying I deserved a phone call, and nothing. I call and leave a message saying I'm changing my password, and that was it. After everything…two years of lies, making me look bad to old friends, and not giving me any closure whatsoever, I get an away message. No speaking in her own words, no nothing, like she couldn't even form her own thoughts, or maybe she just didn't want to… There's a lot more that I could say and would want to say about all this stuff, but I don't want to go on for nine pages. I was getting over all of this, and after this whole myspace thing, I realized that staying for those two years was the biggest mistake I've made in my life so far. After reading what I wrote, she knew exactly what was going through my head…there was no question of what I was feeling or thinking, but instead of either defending herself or saying sorry, she couldn't even do either…only talk through lyrics. And it's pathetic. Yeah, I'm still upset. I'll admit that in a second. I'm still confused and I don't get why all this happened. And mostly, I want to be able to understand what it was that everyone was being told that made them believe that Lara did nothing and I was making everything up. Because I truly don't get it. It was like there was a line…every one of my friends believed me and said there was something wrong with her, and everyone who was in contact with Lara believed her…Why? Maybe it's because she did paint a great picture of me obsessed, and I wasn't around to defend myself. Hell, I fell for things for two years...and I was her boyfriend and best friend. If she could do that to me, it's pretty damn simple to say one thing about a subject, exaggerate a little, and have others believe it. But I think back to my cousin again...he got a ticket two years ago for 'speeding', and for the first time, he actually wasn't guilty. Went to court for it, but the cop didn't show, so had to go back actually in December (almost two years later). After two years, he still went to court to fight because he knew it was wrong and it was principle. If he was wrong, he'd just pay the ticket and move on, but he fought and it was basically his argument against the cops, and he said his story, and the cop said his side, and obviously, their versions were drastically different. The cop lied. But it comes down to logic...why would someone two years later, still stick to his guns on his story and fight to say that he's right? Why would he remember all the details? The cop was just trying to get out of this without his reputation ruined. He didn't care what happened to the guy who got the ticket, so he defended himself when he had to. My cousin was trying to defend himself and tell his story so far after because he knew he was right. It's logic in this situation, too. Somewhere, something unbelievable happened. Either Lara went through all of this stuff, an ex boyfriend made up everything because he was angry, or a girl actually made up everything to keep her college-bound bf from leaving. All three are unbelieveable possibilities for anyone who knows both of us, but in this situation, none are more impossible than the other. It's just that people chose to believe the wrong one as truth. Someone please just call me and tell me (and I mean that seriously…call me and lets talk about it all). Make me understand, because I can't fathom how not one person can see this. Make me UNDERSTAND the other point of view. Maybe there's something that I missed… So…after everything I wrote above, how does it tie in…It ties in because I realized that I can't dwell on it anymore. Yes, I want closure. I want to know why people can't see the truth and what's making them see something completely different. I want to know if Lara even recognizes everything she did, or if it's all just a past memory that she doesn't want anymore. But I'm not gonna get it, am I? I realized that I don't know who I am, but I'm finding out, and I like what I see. And I know that every other minute that I think about this and try to figure it out in my head, it's a waste of my time. It's a waste of my energy. (It's a waste of my hair color, too….premature graying runs in the family.) It was all a waste. And to have to say that about a two year relationship that meant everything from the beginning hurts badly, but what else can you do…? I remember saying to Lara that I wished we had a chance to start over, to be just the two of us without all of the bullshit and problems surrounding us, because I knew how we were best friends and what we could have become. I realized that we did have that clean shot, and she sabotaged it from the beginning. And the saddest part is the only possible reason I could come up with is that she was scared of me leaving and wanted me to be the 'knight in shining armor.' She wanted every day to be 'perfect' and 'amazing' with excitement and drama, so when she looked back, every memory was just that. She didn't want ordinary. She wanted the TV shows and movies. But hey, I wrote that in the myspace message, too, and I never got any comment to disagree. So if anyone can ever give me some closure, feel free to let me know. And I know I'll be thinking about it for a while, but life is too short, and I don't want to waste my time anymore. I was hurt, but I'm healing, and I know in ten years, I'll look back and realize how much of a stupid kid I was to be in the situation in the first place. I'll just see what happens along the way. All from a half hour drive… |
