INTAKE SO FAR:

Spinach? for breakfast lol & vitamin water & coffee.. ?
fig newton 100 calorie pack for lunch & vitamin water.. (225)
3 brussel sprouts & diet coke & spinach.. ?

I'm a loser.

EDIT/

I'm not a loser I'm a fat ass.

I ended up going to my dad's and eating fucking candy. I wasn't going to but I did.
sour patch kids, sugar babies or some shit and mentos.. i say between (300-400cals) UGH
grilled chicken breast with bbq sauce & steamed broccoli.. ?

I didn't do too bad except that fucking candy. Oh well. Atleast I'm not going into starvation mode.. yet. bahahaha

Currently Listening The Very Best of the Velvet Underground By The Velvet Underground HEROIN see related

Wow.. It's been forever..

Since the last time I posted I'll let you know what I've been up to...

I went to detox for a week at a psychiatric ward. I actually liked it there. I felt at home since I'm nuts.
Then when I got out I went to an inpatient rehab facility. I was supposed to be there for a month and then get evaluated but they don't keep anyone there for shorter than 6 months.. So I split after 2 weeks.
Then I came home even though everyone in my family was scared to death of me.. And I went to an intensive outpatient program four days a week for 5 hours and I was in some opiate program.
I couldn't go back to school because it made me wanna kill myself and shoot dope in the bathroom. So now I go to an IOP program 5 days a week from 9AM to 2:30PM. It's iight.

When I was in detox I lost like 10lbs. Then when I went to inpatient I gained it all back and then when I got home I gained another 10lbs because I was actually eating REAL food. LIKE OMG. Haha.. But I lost it thank God. I'm down to like 143 point something now.

Today I had an oatmeal cookie for breakfast (125cals), 1/2 soyjoy bar (60cals) + fignewton100cal pack (100cals) + some fat free frozen yogurt (50cals) and then I had a bowl of cereal (130cals).. and dinner of course which consisted of a slice of steak (I made sure it was small), a little bit of mashed potatoes, steamed spinach & steamed brussel sprouts..
OK I thought I did good but it turns out I only did healthy.. I'm guessing I had like.. 1100 cals or something? That's alright. Not what I used to eat, but OK.

I figure I'm not snorting coke or shooting heroin anymore( ) so I guess I'm just gonna have to be anorexic again. LOVELY!

nothing is working.

my boyfriend yells at me.

i can't keep a dollar bill outta my nose for an hour.

i can't stop making myself bleed and bleed and bleed.

i told my mom i want to get help.

she seems kind of scared.

i think i'm going to rehab.

i'm sorry i suck at this.. but i'm just really scared and alone right now.

i hung out with my booy yesterday. i like him very much but he lieks me even more. he's the only person i am comfortable talking to about this. he knows i was sick. i don't want him to know i'm still not okay.

for the most part i've been clean but i've been taking some valium to go to bed at night cause i can't sleep and i've been taking prozac on an empty stomach so i'm nauseous and can't eat. i don't consider them that bad.. i don't know.

yesterday i hadd..
a cookie in the morning [80 cals]
cheerios [80]
3 cookies at night UGH [230]
lots of water & green tea = 0

total = 390 .. not so bad. but i feel like a fat ass anyways.

so far today i had
cheerios [75 cals]
water & green tea = 0

I'm going to my dad's company picnic today. my friend is going with me. she's chunky. i'd hate to be like that. but i love her she makes me laugh. there's deffinitly gonna be food there. hopefully this prozac makes me nauseous so i literally CAN'T eat.

times like these i wish i could shoot up so i wouldn't eat for sure. but i'm a good kid now :]

by the way.. thanks so much for the extra support on getting clean. it means a lot to have girls to talk to through all this shit. i love you!

<3 cheerios!