Wow, I haven't updated for a long while.. A lot of things have happened since that day at the lake. I went to the Philippines, met a boy there named Bienne. He told me he had a crush on me, and I told him I was starting to crush on him. So it was a good vacation ya'kno? It was refreshing, and he was so nice too (: We kept intouch for awhile when I came back to the US, but then also there was my friend Adrian- whom called me a lot and it was pretty good as well too. So Bienne stopped writing, and Adrian kept calling. In the back of my mind though it still didn't feel right though. I mean with the both of them, it felt like something was missing.. And I guess it was still that feeling that I missed Tony so much. Yes, after all this time, and the rejection at the lake, and even with the other boys putting themselves out there for me. I still felt the need to every once in awhile cry, over Tony.. Call me stupid, but that was the case. But I stopped harassing him, the lake was the last time I was to let him know how I felt about him. I started to be okay, catch up with friends- be me without him, but still be happy.

          Then one day I found out something that SHOCKED me, that full on blew my mind. It made me so mad at Tony, even though I knew I had no right to be mad, I was the one who broke up with him in the first place ya'kno? But there it was, I was PISSED beyond belief and I told all my friends that I wanted nothing to do with him, that deep down I may still feel something for him but I was going to try my best to not act on those feelings if he ever wanted to come back. I told myself I was done, that's it. I give up! I promised that I could find happiness without him and that I didn't need someone like that in my life anyway.. Then the unbelieveable happened. I was sitting at my computer one day, just like any other day then all of a sudden pops up, "Hey Kayla" -- He IMed me. For the first time in what? Four months?! He IMed me! I said "Hi" back, I'm not that rude.. And he started talking to me. In the back of my mind I was like "Oh now you talk to me?! What is he up to?.." I didn't know what to think, but I continued to let him talk to me. Then somehow, he accidentally got invited to my friend, Jamie's birthday party, and he didn't talk to me much, and I didn't want to touch him. I refused.. Even when he said goodbye to me, I just gave him a handshake, and he gave me a confused look. All I said was, "what?! Psh, I'm not going to hug you or anything.." and he left. I felt good about myself for it too.
          Then somehow, a little bit after that.. He offered to be my date to homecoming! o_O I was like, WHOA.. what the heck? Me and Adrian at this point had been fighting, and my feelings for him left, because I thought that he was being immature. He was who I was planning to take to homecoming, but I told Tony that "Yeah, I don't like him anymore but I think I might still have to take him to homecoming with me because I don't know of anyone else who WOULD want to go with me. Hah." He didn't say much, cept "I would." But we all know that was enough to shake me up. I was shocked that he was willing to go with me. So I let him go with me, I didn't really have anyone else in mind anyway. So there it was, he was my homecoming date. 
          Let's fast forward to the Homecoming Game now. So I am at the game hanging with Gaby and her friend, Ben. Ben had brought 2 of his friends with him.. One of them named Stephen. He wanted to go on a walk with me around the football field, I was really "If-y" at first because I had never met the guy before, but I went anyway because I kind of felt bad. So we walked for a little, then sat at a bench and talked. He asked me about myself, and I ask him about himself.. He seemed like a pretty chill dude and all, it was nice casual conversation. Then all of a sudden he said, "Ya'kno what? I know I might be being to forward with this and all but.. Uhm, I really like yo' style and you make me laugh.. And I was just wonderin' uhm, would you be my girl?" Whoa,  I had never met this dude before, and he went and actually ASKED ME OUT! I was so shocked I actually said, "Oohh, woow.. Uhm, ya'kno what? We just met and all and I think if anything were to happen here, we needa at least be friends for awhile.." He said "Aw alright, alright, tha's coo`. I respect that.." So then Gaby came with Ben and then Stephen left. Then Ben got a call, and gave the phone to me.. I said "Hello?" It was Stephen again, he asked me out AGAIN.. I felt real bad, but again I told him 'no.' My reasons besides the fact I had just met this dude, was also.. I automatically thought of Tony. I don't know why, but I did. I automatically thought of Tony, and it felt so weeird. I went home that night and Tony IMed me again as usual, he had been doing that every night that week. I told him about the random guy who asked me out, and then we got into this long conversation about why I said no. I told Tony it was because I liked someone else.. He frantically asked me, "Who?! WHO? TELL ME!" And I said,  "Psh, no! Why do you need to know?! It's not like he's interested anyway.." Then he said, "Are you talking about me?" I said, "Why do you always have to be thinking I like you? It's not like you care." Then there was a pause.. Then he said, "What, you do think I care about you?" I said, "No, not really.." And he said "Of course I care about you.." Then one thing led to another and the next thing you know he tells me that he missed me. He told me that he missed us. I was so suprised, I cried.. Hysterically. Then he went on saying that he started thinking about that second chance I had asked him about at the lake. Then he said "What would you do if I gave you a second chance?" I said, "Of course I'd take it and try not to fuck up." And then he said "Oh okay.. " LONG PAUSE.. "So Kayla, would you be willing to take that second chance with me again?" I nearly died.. I swear. I FINALLY go to hear those words I had been long to hear. I told him "Of course you know I'd say yes to you." (: And there it was.. We were a couple agian! Established October 5, 2007.

          And we're still going strong, today is our 1 Monthaversary! Yaay. The thing I felt like I was missing, is now back, once again I feel whole. I love him a lot, I really do.. I guess I just can't seem to stay away, regardless if I was mad at him.. I hope he feels the same way. 'Till next time<3

Laterz Xanga Readers.

Tony & Kayla
Fist Chance: November 2, 2005- June 17, 2007
Second Chance: October 5, 2007- ? (Let's hope, for a long while <3)

the song i played at the lake

The Lake

 Hey guys, whatsup? Usually I would rather just put my poems here and stuff. But I really want to remember today.. Today I told him how I felt. I've been planning it for awhile, but today was the day I actually went through with it.

     OKAAAY, so the original plan was that I would go to the door of his house, holding a big giant cardboard heart saying "I'm Sorry" on the front, and "Do you believe in second chances?" on the back. And while I was planning to do this, I thought I would play a love song. My choice of song was 'The Way We Used To Be' by Lee Carr. If you want to listen to it, it will be on my myspace for awhile.. www.myspace.com/xwhattal0ser.
     But anyways, so I was waiting for my friend Kane to come and pick me up so I could do this. But he was taking awhile so I started to have second thoughts, and I was getting really nervous. But he finally came over, and when he did, the thought came to his mind, "Aye, why don't you do it at the lake instead?" And I was like "Oh my gosh! Why didn't I think about that?!" Kane was like, "Yeah, oh my gosh, that would be so cute!" So then, my friend Domi came and we went up to Tony's house so he could drive following Kane's car. So then we drove up to Chick-Fil-A first because Domi was hungry. And since Tony wasn't hungry, I got out of the car while Kane and Domi went through the drive-thru. I was just talking to Tony about casual stuff, his classes for college and things like that. Then Kane and Domi come back from the drive-thru and then Kane says, "Oh Kayla, just ride with Tony because Domi is in here eating like a pig." In my head, I was like "Oh man, he's setting me up so I have some more alone time with Tony. Fcuk!" Then I was just like "Uhm, okay? Tony can I ride with you?" He goes, "Sure, its fine.." So we follow Kane's car to the lake in Eastlake, when we arrive there I am like "Wow, it's so pretty and romantic looking." And then I remember my whole purpose for this day, so then my tummy starts to flip thinking its taking place HERE, at this HELLA HELLA cute, romantic spot. So everyone gets out of their cars, and Domi is mostly talking to Kane, while I am mostly talking to Tony. And it was just usual stuff, asking how eachother has been or whatever, and then I take his glasses, and his shoe, just to mess around, ya know? And he gets his shoe back and so I run after him and chased him around half of the lake/park. I tackled him, blah blah- Stuff like that. Then I remember Tony has to leave at 3pm, and I look at my phone and it's already 2:55pm, so I'm like 'Shit, I needa do this NOW." So I tell Kane, "Okay, I'mma do it.. " Kane tells me, "Oh okay, uhm you should go by those ducks over there, and that bench by the water." So I tug on Tony's arm and he gets the hint I wanna go 'walk.' So the walk there is really quiet, and my heart is racing so fast.. Then we finally get to the bench by the water, and I put on the song- "The Way We Used To Be" by Lee Carr, and I let him listen to the first verse and chorus, because that part really relates to my life right now..

[Verse 1:]
Have U Ever Been Tired Of Ppl Asking How U Doin And U Say Im Takin It Day By Day. Everywhere I Go I Feel Like Ppl Laughin. Im So Stupid Cause I Let My Good Girl Get Away. My Life Aint Got No Betta, So U Must Not've Got My Letta. So Startin Taday Im Lettin Go Of My Mistakes. Whatever U Wanna Say Baby Im Listenin Cuz I Kno

[Hook:]
I Kno That I Hurt You And I Dont Deserve You And U Say Its Curtains But No I Just Want One More Give Me An Encore Dont Walk Out That Door Baby

[Chorus:]
Just Call The Paramedics Cuz Baby I Wont Make It If U Try Ta Tell Me U Dont Wanna B My Baby So Dont Say That Ta Me If We Cant B The Way We Used Ta B.

And after that, I pulled out the heart thing from my purse, and he sees the bright pink thing, reads that it says "I'm Sorry" and turns away from me.. So then I stand directly infront of him and he looks at the ground. So I sit next to him and I'm just holding the sign in my lap, and I tug his arm again, and he goes "What? Look.. I know you're sorry.." Then I say, "Yeah, I know you know I'm sorry, but I feel like I need to keep on saying it because I really do know I fucked up, and I really don't even know why I let you go because you are so important to me.. And I just feel so stupid for everything.." I get no reaction from him, he won't even look at me really, but I could tell in my face he was getting sad. So then I turned over the heart and he read how it said "Do you believe in second chances?" And then I say, "Look, I don't expect you to forgive me right away, or whatever but.. I just really hope that someday, you can forgive me.. and hopefully, give me a second chance.." And he is still just sitting there, not saying a word.. So then I reach into my purse and grab my camera, and on it I had recorded a video of all the pictures we took during our relationship and the youtube videos we made. And I tell him to watch it. So he does, and as 1/4 of it is done playing, he passes it back to me.. And I say, "After today, I promise I won't bug you anymore about all of this but.. PLEASE, just watch all of it.. for me.." And so he takes it back, and watches the rest. Every once in awhile he would lift up his head and look at the lake, *sigh, then go back watching the video. It killed me just to sit there and wait, but I knew that I needed him to watch it, so he could remember everything about our relationship. So then the video stops, and he hands my camera back. I put it in my purse, and he just looks out onto the lake with a very serious thinking face on, and I really couldn't think of what to say, so I just sat there. About 5 minutes pass and he says, "Let's go." So we are walking back and it's still silent. Then he says, "I'mma go now, tell Domi and Kane I said 'bye'." I was like, "Oh uhh, okay.. bye." And he put out his arm to hug me, and I hugged him. Then he started to walk away, but I pulled on his arm and he turned around and was like "What?.." And oh my gosh, I just froze.. my words wouldn't come out! I was like "I.. I.. uhh, I.. uhm.." and again he was like, "What?.." then I said.. "I can't think of anything else to say but.. that.. I'll miss you. And I am not just talking about when I go to the Philippines for a month." And he just gives me a look like he was really sad and confused, and then I said "okay.. bye.." and i hugged him. But this time- he didn't hug me back.. but that was okay, I walked away and looked at him one last time as he was walking to his car. So then I went to tell Domi and Kane everything, and yeah.. I'm relieved that I got everything out, and I honestly did all I could possibly do to show that I'm sorry and that I still love him. So now I guess I just wait, and hope for the best but expect what could be the worst..  Yup..

     After that, Kane, Domi and I went to go pick up my best friend, Alyssa.. and then Domi and I got haircuts, and we all ate at Bento's. I really wanted to go there because it reminded me of all those Mondays, Tony and I would go out and eat Bento's after school. After that, Kane took me home and yeah.. Here I am, writing my day. I'm glad I went through with it, but I kinda wish he said something, but I guess you can't really say anything after something like that happens to you.. Well, that's all I have to say for now.

Latersz Xanga<3

i really will miss him..

The Ramblings of a Broken Heart

i dont think i ever wanna fall in love again,
and if i do, its because the one i love keeps telling me we're just friends.

over and over i will imagine and hear,
all the things he used to tell me, but, whispers now in her ear.

they will last a long time, i'm quite sure of that,
and my heartbreak will grow i know that for a fact.

i'll take walks alone at the park and remember the times,
we would sit there and he would put his hand in mine.

i'll look at the stars and remember that night,
when prom came around, and afterwards we just held eachother tight.

i'll smile remembering all the good times we shared,
but then stop because i'll remember that now she'll be there.

it's not that she isn't a nice girl, and deserves a man like that,
it's just i made that man the one for me, can't she just see that?

time will go on even when i feel like it's standing still,
and the more i'll have to deal with, i wish there was a pill..

a cure for a broken heart, that's something i wish i could find,
because sitting here imagining pictures of him and her, keep racing through my mind.

imagining their walks on the beach late at night in the cold summer air,
while i stay at home, panicking, risking losing my breath, while holding that old teddy bear.

screaming, yelling and apologizing can't always bring a person back into your life,
i know, because i've tried and now look at me! pathetically lying in bed screaming into my pillow:
"WHY CAN'T I BE HIS WIFE?!"

i'm a disgrace to all people with a broken heart,
because i'm pathetic enough to make it tear my world apart.

people always are telling me, you're young and you still have time, so move on!..
those people need to shut up coz i can't, amd he's forever gone.

-By Kayla

If Ever

If ever I knew life was going to be hard,
Choices would be dealt with,
some leaving me scarred.

But I never thought I would do something so outrageous,
Leave the boy that loves me and that I love,
to see If he is really the only one my heart thinks of.

If ever I knew life had its ups and downs.
I just kinda figured that,
I'd be one to stick around.

I never thought I'd be the one to say goodbye,
I always thought that this was the one for sure!..
that would be the one I always see when I close my eyes.

If ever I knew love was a "many splendored thing."
There'd be songs that show love,
and others, expressing other feelings.

Who would of thought that a girl who finds Mr. Right,
would leave him to be just friends..
Who would have thunk that I'd get so uptight.

If ever I thought that once I found him I'd never let go.
But now that I've found him,
I think I should let all of you know..

That Love, If ever, changes with time.
If ever, I still love him..
Hopefully, he'll still want to be mine.

By Kayla