I was driving home from work yesterday when I realized that this, right now, is the happiest I have been in my entire life. I love my life. It's so amazing to know and feel that. Everything in my life is centered and solid and I feel so alive it's overbearing. But I know there are challenges ahead and I hope I can take them and grow. Lakeville is going to be an entirely new experience for me... and I have met so many amazing people at Eagan that it's hard for me to let that part of myself go. I know I will maintain relationships but I am afraid of what is yet to come. And school is starting over, which has always caused some nervousness and heartache... but I am so different than I was my freshman year and remembering that awakens me.

I'm attempting to go off of my medication within the next 4 months as well and while that frightens me, I know it will test me and I am finally ready for that. I feel like the medicine does not affect me although I feel like this plastic exterior could be truly because of those pills. I know this is who I am, I know I am a truly happy and exuberant person.... I just am afraid my conditions will ruin me again. But I will fight... and failing is not an option....

And then there is him again... the love of my life. He finally said forever and I know that's how we will be. I could not fall more madly in love with someone, someone who was there even when I was not. I never realized what he went through those first few months we were together, and I think anyone else would have ran, but he stayed and that makes me forever grateful. He's so beautiful and amazing. I wish I could express myself to him... I wish I could tell him how I feel... but there aren't words for those overwhelming feelings. He is the man I will marry and knowing that only strengthens us

 Why hello old friend. I don't really know if anyone is going to read this since I haven't updated in forever.... but a dear friend of mine made me realize I needed to write.

Started class today and now I'm leaving for Brainerd...  

This quote made me think today and I love it...

"Reality is that which refuses to go away when I stop believing it"

The start of this new year means so much to me. I feel like such a different person... in an amazing and inspiring way. I almost broke to tears on New Year's Eve. To think of where I was.... where I have been this year.... the people who have come and gone and the experiences that have shaped me. I feel so mature, so confident, so alive and active in life. I love it. And everyone who consumes me in it.

I'm starting to think this site is just to express opinions we cannot say directly

So I guess it's pretty obvious I've avoided this thing for quite some time... but I feel like anything I write has to matter and lately my thoughts haven't really been stemmed from great emotion or even brain power. I guess you could say that I'm busy as hell. Tomorrow is my first real day off since school started.. I finally don't work on the weekend and I finally just get to be. Working full time and going to school full time has it's pressures and obligations.... but I'm too afraid I'd be thinking if I wasn't doing.

Things at school haven't really changed much. I'm still the lonely one in the corner who is focusing on being "too involved in my studies" to make some social interaction. But in my own unique ways I have carved my path and set my stone. I think I finally just came to conclude that it's not where I want to be and these aren't people I care to know about.... and thats just fine if it makes me happy. But does it? I'm still a little unsure.

Well, like I said, I refuse to write and place cute/meaningful icons on this thing if there's no real life-changing message I wish to convey, but to the six... I'm here. I always read. And I always listen. So feel free. PeAcYe

It's been so long since I've cried. Just cried. For whatever reason. Pain. Joy. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. But today I cried, and I still cannot explain why. Maybe it is because I realized who I am... and it's not necessarily who I had envisioned. Maybe it's because I realized that being an outsider only made me stronger. Maybe it's because I fell in love, with him, with life, with God.

Lately my emotions have been so jumbled up that it's hard to even feel anything when your always question what it is your TRULY feeling. I walked so confidently into that classroom this year and I finally felt alive in this place. But then there's these shadows of doubt when I find people lost in hopless conversations about parties and affairs. Shouldn't I be there? Shouldn't I be involved in this mindless drama of a college social life? Finally I admit that I'm not happy there. But I am not happy here either. So these emotions pour and these eyes fill and this heart bursts as I try to find myself through comparisons to people I don't even envy. My heart has this crazy pulse and I sometimes think it only lives to despise  me, but I own it and I do love it. And I do love life. Again.

I think the biggest thing I can take away from my life at this moment is accomplishment. I have exceeded myself in so many ways that even I never thought were possible. Every missed kegger and night spend hopelessly dreaming has left with me an amazing GPA in an accelerated college program and a full time management position inside an amazing company to which I was just named most valuable employee. So I'm too busy for parties..... but maybe that's just me. I think my biggest fear has always been regret. I think my mother owned regret and it killed her. She never lived. And when she tried to in her old age... she just got lost in a crowd of drugs, alcohol and mindless affairs. That cannot be me. It's my biggest fear. So it is as though I have chosen this life that I love to hate. And this is where all these odd emotions and confused feelings stem from. Because in truth I always choose the depressing view, I always choose the harder path and the longer road, but it makes me who I am and it gives me strength to open my eyes in the morning because I look back knowing that NO day could ever be as bad as the one before it.

I guess I wrote this for closure. I guess I wrote this to remind myself that I'm still in there somewhere. I wrote to express that there's joy in pain and that I have finally come to the realization that all this pain has gotten me somewhere. It probably makes no sense, but I suppose you can say that's the confusing life I have led and continue to lead, but I own it. It's mine. And can't nobody take that away from me :0)