It's been so long since I've cried. Just cried. For whatever reason. Pain. Joy. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. But today I cried, and I still cannot explain why. Maybe it is because I realized who I am... and it's not necessarily who I had envisioned. Maybe it's because I realized that being an outsider only made me stronger. Maybe it's because I fell in love, with him, with life, with God.

Lately my emotions have been so jumbled up that it's hard to even feel anything when your always question what it is your TRULY feeling. I walked so confidently into that classroom this year and I finally felt alive in this place. But then there's these shadows of doubt when I find people lost in hopless conversations about parties and affairs. Shouldn't I be there? Shouldn't I be involved in this mindless drama of a college social life? Finally I admit that I'm not happy there. But I am not happy here either. So these emotions pour and these eyes fill and this heart bursts as I try to find myself through comparisons to people I don't even envy. My heart has this crazy pulse and I sometimes think it only lives to despise  me, but I own it and I do love it. And I do love life. Again.

I think the biggest thing I can take away from my life at this moment is accomplishment. I have exceeded myself in so many ways that even I never thought were possible. Every missed kegger and night spend hopelessly dreaming has left with me an amazing GPA in an accelerated college program and a full time management position inside an amazing company to which I was just named most valuable employee. So I'm too busy for parties..... but maybe that's just me. I think my biggest fear has always been regret. I think my mother owned regret and it killed her. She never lived. And when she tried to in her old age... she just got lost in a crowd of drugs, alcohol and mindless affairs. That cannot be me. It's my biggest fear. So it is as though I have chosen this life that I love to hate. And this is where all these odd emotions and confused feelings stem from. Because in truth I always choose the depressing view, I always choose the harder path and the longer road, but it makes me who I am and it gives me strength to open my eyes in the morning because I look back knowing that NO day could ever be as bad as the one before it.

I guess I wrote this for closure. I guess I wrote this to remind myself that I'm still in there somewhere. I wrote to express that there's joy in pain and that I have finally come to the realization that all this pain has gotten me somewhere. It probably makes no sense, but I suppose you can say that's the confusing life I have led and continue to lead, but I own it. It's mine. And can't nobody take that away from me :0)