I miss you, Boo.

<3 Cort

I'm a liar

Since I came to this school, I feel as though I can't tell the truth to anyone.

Questions I get are:
Why did you decide to come to this school?
Why California?
Did your boyfriend come to California with you?
What religion are you?

What I say:
It has some of the values that I have.  It's vegetarian.
I wanted to go somewhere different.
Yes.
Christian.

Truth:
It's in Cali, where my boyfriend lives.  It's vegetarian.
I wanted to be closer to my boyfriend.  I wanted to escape the bad memories from Ohio.
No.  He lived in Cali before.  I met him online five years ago. 
I don't have a religion.  I don't believe in God.

This is just the beginning. 
What will happen when I have to lie about bigger things? 
Why do I feel I need to lie anyway? 
Because I don't want to seem stupid for coming here.  Because I don't want to be judged as the freak girl, the crazy girl.

What will happen when I have to lie about all my scars?  No one's asked about the scars yet, even though I wear long shorts and capris occasionally.  I'm lucky so far.
What will happen when someone reads what the scars say?  How will I explain that?
What will happen if I have nightmares and/or flashbacks around my roommates? 
I can't tell them what happened.  It's embarassing and I'm ashamed. 

I hate feeling like I have to lie..  But I don't think I can take the looks I would get when I tell the truth. 

<3 Cort

They say I'm pretty.
They say I'm skinny.
They say I can go out with minimal makeup and still look good.

What the hell?  Why don't I see that when I look into a mirror?

When I look into a mirror, I see someone who isn't pretty and is fat.
Someone who needs more makeup than usual in order to look decent.

I really don't know what these people are talking about.
I don't know how they can see me that way..  Especially when I don't see myself that way.

<3 Cort

At Wing Stop the other day.  I'm on the far right. ;D

Nerida and Katie did my makeup.  I'm on the left. 

Dorm pics

My bed.

My desk.

Roommate's desk.

Roommate's side.

My side.

Bathroom we share with roommates twice removed.

The hallway leading up to my room.

<3 Cort