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| AnxiousAs the day for me to board that plane to New York draws nearer, I'm getting more and more anxious. I've been out of school for three years and don't know what to expect, and I also have no idea what it'll be like to live in a city like NY. There are moments when I think, "I'm so excited! Everything's gonna be new and I'm gonna have the time of my life!" but then I fall back into streams of thought like this when I think, "I'm not ready. I'm so scared. I don't want to go!" haha... I just need to breathe deeply and stop being bipolar.
I know that I should just relax and entrust everything to God. After all these years, I still trust on my own abilities to get me through life... patting myself on the back when I succeed and berating myself when I fail. Putting all this pressure on myself doesn't make me do any better, but I found that when I finally let go and accept that God is in total control, things work out for the best. For the last few months I've been stressing about what to do with all my stuff, where I'd live in New York since student housing was completely booked, where I'd stay this month, how I'd get 3 unwieldy suitcases from White Plains to Manhattan all by myself, how I'd pay for my overpriced education, what I'd do with my beautiful yet burdensome car... and after all that stressing, I've found that there was never anything to worry about and God has taken care of everything, mostly in the form of family and friends. I hate to be cheesy, but right now I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for the friends that God has put into my life. Even if you don't think you're doing much (or if you already know you've gone out of your way to help me avoid having a nervous breakdown), I don't know what I would do without all of your generosity, hospitality, help, advice, and company. Even if you just offered me a place to stay this month and I didn't take you up on it, you seriously helped me out a lot. Seriously... because it sucks to have to ask. haha.
Sometimes I can be so selfish. I care about my own comfort before others and don't want to go out of my way to help anyone... but after seeing how some people can be SO selfless, I feel motivated to change. Please spare me the comments on how I'm super selfish and how this is a great lesson for me to learn. Spare me!
Anyhow, after all that stressing and everything working out... I've come to realize that this is always how it is. How come I can't just do my best, trust in God, and omit the stress since if anything, it's counterproductive? So, NO, I'm not stressed about moving to NY and coping with the new environment. I fully trust that God will take care of me forever and that everything that happens, good or bad, is part of his perfect plan. God is good... all the time. Cliché but true.
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| Tossing and turningIt's 1:22 AM and I can't sleep for several reasons.
1) I'm jet-lagged. My sleep schedule has been abnormal since last Thursday, which is when I got back from Korea.
2) I did fall asleep briefly until SOMEBODY called me 30 minutes ago to ask a stupid question. I do believe that stupid questions DO exist. This disturbed my slumber. I tried to go back to sleep, but just gave up and decided to write about it.
3) The valley is just too hot. My feet are burning. I can't explain why I'm feeling normal all over, but my feet feel like they're on fire!
4) I just watched the most excellent movie of the year. It's about this guy who acts like he's cocky, foolish, and oblivious to the chaos that surrounds him, when in actuality he's humble, intelligent, and highly aware of not only the tragic state of the world around him, but also what is needed to remedy it. My head has been overstimulated too close to bedtime... and now I can't stop thinking.
5) Tomorrow I'm going to Vegas! I'm excited, but at the same time I feel like I'm getting comfortable here in the valley so I almost don't want to go. I know! What's wrong with me? How could I almost not want to go to Vegas? This is always how I feel before packing up to go anywhere... imagine how I'll feel right before I go off to New York.
I've never felt more anxious about going anywhere than I do right now about going to New York. It's not the city that scares me. It's the TWO years part. I'm 25 years old now and I think I'm ready to retire my vagabond jersey and worn-out suitcases and trade them in for a nice little semi-permanent shack in southern California. I'm tired of leaving "home" and adapting to new environments, even if it is a blessing to be able to do so. I just have this feeling of wanting to go home. You know?
When I was a kid, I used to love sleeping over at my friends' houses. I enjoyed the novelty of their lifestyles and seeing how other families interacted and lived. That was always fun for me. But, there would be those nights when my friends were sleeping and I'd just lie there and wish I could go home. It would start out with just missing my parents. Then I'd start thinking about my bed. Then my room. Then the sound of crickets (there were always a lot of crickets around my house at night). One time I couldn't wait it out, so I called my parents in the middle of the night and they came to pick me up. Home was the best.
So, I think for now, the excitement of living in new places has dissipated. I'm ready to stop, but I have this final two years to stick it out. One thing I know for sure... New York will never be home, but I'm sure it will be fun. :) Good night. I'm sleepy now.
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| Oh hullI think I met my ideal man... but he's married. Nice eyebrows, so funny, tall enough, kind of cold... woe is me.
Can we go to Disneyland in August? Is anyone with me? If you're not with me, you are against me. I've been dying to go to the magical kingdom for a couple of years now and I think August will be the perfect time to escape reality.
Does anyone need a car? A 2007 Scion Tc that's in fairly good condition? I need to sell my car... I can't wait to get rid of this burden.
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| I'm awkwardone of the many reasons why i have so much trouble finding a guy (one of the many... not the only reason) is because i'm awkward. i've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately and i'm just like george. fumbling, mumbling, beating around the bush, so frustrating to watch, but i'm just like him. i couldn't care less being like that around my friends or anyone, but when i'm around a cute guy/a guy i like, these tendencies become more frequent and utterly embarrassing. sometimes he doesn't even need to be cute. sometimes if it's just an average guy who's doing something cute, i suddenly become a stuttering fool, or if i don't stutter i say things i definitely shouldn't say. sometimes i wish i were mute. and why do i have to blush? go red? why can't i just be one of those pale girls who, although totally flustered, are able to come off as nonchalant and unaffected by any situation. i wish i could be smooth and have "game". whatever this "game" is... i so don't have it.
i hate it when i'm on the verge of falling asleep, and then out of nowhere an embarrassing memory that i've buried somewhere deep in the nethers of my brain, breaks its way into my conscious thoughts and makes me want to jump out of my body and run away from myself. it's always just as i'm about to sleep. after i start thinking about it, i have to turn on the light again and find some way to occupy my mind to make myself forget so i'll be able to fall asleep again.
i need to talk to peers. i'm surrounded by old people or little kids. no one my age. help!
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| I RUB SEOULDay... 10(?) in Korea. The first week spent in Seoul was SO MUCH FUN. Aside from the crappy weather, it was honestly just as I'd expected it. Going around on the subways, eating delicious waffles, buying cute things for really cheap, seeing tons of tall Korean guys.... Korea is the best. I mean, Seoul is the best.
Now I'm here in a city called Gwangyang, where my parents live... and goodness gracious it's boring here. There's nothing to do here. Nothing at all. So I'm really excited about going to the dentist today... at least I won't be bored out of my mind. Hopefully they'll pull out all of my wisdom teeth. I'm really looking forward to it.
I love KFC in Korea. One piece of chicken and one biscuit. I love it! Don't go to KFC across the street from OMC. They have a shady ATM system.
I'm reading The Little Prince right now. I can't wait to see what all the hype is about. So far it just seems like a book that glorifies children and belittles adults.
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