When I stop to look at myself, and my life, it is so plain to see how fast things change, and how something never do.

there are some people I should have held on tighter too, I miss them.


And I wonder what happened to me. I'm mellowed. I used to get so passionate about things. I was determined... and now all motivation seems to be gone. I'm listlessly drifting through life... I just miss who I was.


I got a mysterious Honesty Box message today, we'll see how this one unfolds.

I love you. I know that you know that. But I really do. I love having you around and making you laugh and making stupid faces and being just ridiculous. I love laying together and taking care of you. I love being needed and needing you. I love the vulnerability of it all and so much more. I love it all. There are some days I'm almost crazy enough to plot out things we'd never have the money for in my head, living together and whatnot.

It's truly wonderful, all the time we spend together and the way you make me feel. I'd like to have a chat with you about some things in the near future.

It's great and depressing at the same time.

Chris, I'm so happy with you, I really am. But, it just reminds me that I'll be away again and I won't be back all the time and I hate that we haven't had as much time together this summer as I would have liked.

I know we still have time, I just... am still not ready to grow up yet, and it just keeps coming closer.




In other news, I'm very excited about upcoming trips to the Lake House and Mike' Lake house as well, both will be super fun I'm sure.

I really want to see Jen and Dani before they go to Scotland but I worry I won't get the chance. :\


---------------------------

Now, adressing family issues.

It really pisses me off that my getting into my career is part of the "let's get the family out of debt" plan.
I can't take that added pressure.


Nothing that I want to do with my life pays well. It scares me enough knowing that I'm going to have to depend on someone else to be able to be 'on my own' and that I have to depend on someone else to have the family I'd like.

I can't just throw myself and my family onto the shoulders of someone else, and I can't have it all on myself either. I don't want to play the fucking victim

like my mother does

I don't want to be anyone's pity case. I don't want to lean on anyone.

I want to do it, and I want to do it by myself, and then I'll start letting other people in.

I'm afraid that I'll never get out under my father. I worry about money and the future all the time.



When do I get to be a teenager? When will I be taken care of?

Probably not until I can't take a shit on my own.

My brother is home, and it seems that while he is gone I create a whole new image of him in my head and then he comes home and he's different than I expected. He's exactly as he was, I don't know why everytime he comes home I expect he'll be different.

Chris moved. It really sucks. I really miss all the lovely things about having him close. But other than those small losses, it's really not all that bad. It's not terribly far and it is a rather nice house, chris's room aside.

I am really starting to like working overnights, I didn't at first, but now I really do.

I can't handle mother, child stories. They make me very upset.

I miss my friends. I feel like I really haven't seen much of anyone for a while. I guess that I have, but I just miss them anyway. I wanted to have loads more time with them.

I hate stereotypical teenagers and the stupid shit that they do. *growls* half of my co-workers might die.

Being sunburnt really sucks, but you really should be exhausted after a rock concert and I WAS.

It really makes me happy when girls who have done themselves all up for an outdoor PUNK ROCK show, get caught in a crazy pit and come out looking like hell. It makes em feel better for going to the show without doing anything with myself.

My sister is the shit.

I have to see my family tomorrow.

I don't like sharing my room and my car and my shit all over again. hopefully Brad will hook me up though. For sure. :D


going to bed. Night.

I haven't had the time to blog!

I'm horrible I know.


But this last week was my birthday and Jeff City (for Daniella, Grand Bethel Honor Queen), and the Producers and trying to help Chris move and ugh. Oh, and a Grad party...

I've been everywhere. And next week is going to be just as bad. Brad will be home from the 4-9. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother, but it means I will not have time for the compy then either.

But so much has happened over the past few days that I really need to talk about.


Hopefully I will remember later.

I had a great time tonight, hanging with Adachi and Jake and then my coworkers.

I have to be up in a few hours to go to work. Goodnight all.

I will probably be on rather flippantly for the next few days. I'm working on getting my desktop computer set up and hopefully fixing my Laptop. :(

Anyway, wish me luck. Till then my friends.

The "hoebagger" has offically been bagged. I'm suprized, that's for sure.


Now, Jon is probably the worst human being I've ever met. but somehow, he's managed to stay with the same girl (who seem fairly normal actually) for almost three years.
 I have no idea how many times he cheated on her, don't ask.

Anyway, it just struck me as odd.



People are changing, my mind is changing about certain people, and after a talk I had earlier in the week, I'm contemplating writing someone a message.

What I really need, is someone to sit up with me, and just chat with me.

I really need to resolve some things with a few people, and there are some things rolling around in my head that I was to get advice on. Anyway, It's time for me to run off and get some sleep. I'm feeling more grounded these days, I've fallen into my life a little better. Hopefully, the upcoming changes won't throw me out of the grooves.

I know that I want you in the rest of my life somehow.

It's nights like this one, and last night, that are both wonderful and horrible at the same time. I miss you... even though I just saw you earlier today. I look at the pull out bed and you're not there. I miss laying and laughing and playing countless games of Mario Party.


And I don't know what to do with myself when you're not around anymore.

I have been lying in bed for about an hour now, missing you, running different ideas of things to do to suprize you through my head.

You're amazing.

And you're always there, you're always willing.

I feel when I'm with you, and I know then that I'm not crazy, I'm not worthless, I'm not wrong. You'd shown me how to love myself, and that is more valuable than anything else you could ever hope to give me.

I'm truely terrified of August but I know that I could never let go.

I'll never make it if you're not rooting for me. And I promise, I'll try and make it home whenever I can.


Anyway, I guess this is just a big long reminder that I think the world of you, I'll always be there for you, I appreciate everything you've done for me, I love you, and you have me as long as you'll keep me.


I'm in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwPa3sVJDYo&NR=1

Listen to that song if you get the chance.



Everyone in my life has certain things that remind me of them. Every single person.

What's not fair is that you were one of the first, and you had your chance to make your mark on things I love. At this point, you haunt me. I can't go one summer without thinking about you. Music makes me think of you, art, teenage antics, late night conversations.

You make me unstable. Your memory runs through my head and makes me fall to my knees. Everything with you is so wonderful and painful at the same time. You were the first, and probably the only time I actually believed any of that.

I can't ever have thoughts of running away, all of those plans are made with you. I want to call you, but I know it'll leave me reeling from it the rest of the day. I know that my heart will take me away, as it always does when your involved. It's the ultimate battle of head vs. heart, and you know all the right things to say to sway the fight. I know it's dangerous to converse with you. I know the entire range of emotions you'll put me through. And I know I can only get so close or I'll feel that again.

I know that I'll never love you again... or any more than I still hold on to. Most has subsided with the years, the distance, and the pain. My head treats you like an experience to be evaluated and learned from. I was too naive, I was too young. I believe too much what you said. I got lost and stopped looking plainly at what was there in front of me.

You're still responsible for some of the greatest and worst memories of my lifetime. You make summer in the dead of winter and you make everything I'm sure of turn to liquid and fall away.

You killed a huge part of my hopeful soul. You've put limitations on my head and heart both. You've made me realize that most of my dreams are just that, and nothing to strive for.

You're crippling, you've taken all the things that I love with your ugly black mark, your beautiful mark.

How is it that all these years later, you still do this to me?


Because you were the first.

Okay, so, Serendipity, is probably my favorite movie of all time.

Ya know the one, it's on TV around Christmas time every year.



Okay, so I know that really lame. And it makes me seem like some silly girl pinning for fate to deliver me the perfect guy or whatever, but that's not it really. (If you knew how much I liked Can't Hardly Wait you think something similar)

Anyway, yes, that movie deals a lot with fate and whatnot, but that's not really why I like it. I like a lot of the energy that movie has, but more than anything, it's the little things.


As bizarre as some of the things in that movie are, some of it seems so real. It's the little things... the book Love in the Time of Cholera, the 5 dollar bill, the gloves, the store, the skating rink, the constellation.

The obituary.

That movie is full of the beautiful little things that you really start to love about a person. It's about the memories that you have, that you share with a person that strengthens your bonds. It's the little quirks that make you fall for someone. There is an  excellent Motioncity Soundtrack song that is also along those lines that just makes me melt.

And in Can't Hardly Wait, Preston, the main character was so excited because they both liked strawberry poptarts. I mean, it really shines the light on the little things.


Not to mention that in both of those movies, the lead characters can just make you melt, and some of the scenes... like in the snow at the end of Serendipity... gah, gets me everytime. I love it.



So, continuing in this mindset, I just went onto facebook and sent flair to my boyfriend, of all the lovely little things that make me think of him. He is wonderful. :D

But anyway, I'm gonna go be a girl, and watch a cheezy chick flick, and then go to sleep... if I don't fall asleep while watching. Goodnight!

Its happening all the time
When I open my eyes
I'm still taken by suprise
I hold sunlight and swallow fireflies
And it makes me want to cry

I love you

I shall never grow up
Make believe is much to fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow

We were walking there
I had tangles in my hair
But you make me feel so pretty
You have shinning eyes
Yes like those forest lights
And it makes me want to cry


I was just wishing you were here
So we could walk down with to me
And we could throw all our leaves
Seeing our dragon when we look

I love you

I shall never grow up
Make believe is much to fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow

I shall never grow up
Make believe is much to fun
This place is so lovely
It kind of makes me very happy
Lets go far away to the humming meadow

To the humming meadow

To the humming meadow