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Taranga
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Gender: Female
Interests: Pondering, thinking, wondering, obsessing...
Expertise: Pondering, thinking, wondering, obsessing...
Message: message me
Member Since:
12/25/2003
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Loving them, warts and all
Parenting has without a doubt been the most fascinating, challenging, rewarding and at the same time humbling job I've ever taken on. I sometimes get the idea that people think there is one right way to parent. I don't believe that is true. Parenting is such a diverse activity and the objects of parenting are even more so that there could not possibly be one right way.
I believe most of us do the best we can, with the knowledge we own and the skills we have. When I think of how my parents did it thirty years ago, they were probably close to what today is called Attachment Parenting. They were loving, caring, open parents that allowed us to discover ourselves and explore our worlds. We co-slept, self weaned and had very little rigid structures. They did give hidings though - they were far and in between - but it happened.
However when I look back, it is not the hidings that shaped me most, but rather the life experiences that we had no control over. My absolute earliest memory is of staying with my aunt while my brother was sick. He was very ill and spent almost a whole year in hospital. During that time I stayed with various people. I was left with anyone that was willing to take me. The best my mother could do at the time.
The next memory is of my paternal grandfather's funeral. It was one of those with an open coffin. To this day I remember him lying there. That was probably not the wisest decision on my parent's side, but maybe they realised too late that it was open.
The next one is of being left in the car alone when my mother went to buy dog food at some factory. I remember looking out the window, seeing all these people, got so scared that someone will grab me, that I hid behind the back seat on the floor. Again not the wisest decision to leave me in the car, but who know maybe I fell asleep before she got to the factory. Those were different safer time.
Then I remember sitting on one of these brown hospital benches waiting to see my newborn sister. My Dad came out to tell us that we couldn't see her since her lungs didn't open and they were rushing her off to another hospital. She didn't die, but hearing that scared the pants off me. Some times life bites.
Next one is me and my brother getting lost in the drive-in. We went off to play when we got there and when we returned the drive-in was a full house and there was no way we could find our car again. Looking onto these events I can see that I've experienced loss, fear, loneliness, betrayal, abandonment and probably anger in my first five years even though I was blessed to have loving, caring, wonderful parents.
When I look at Maui, I think of what he has experienced in his first three short years. Abandonment, loneliness and fear when he had to stay overnight in hospital. Loss, uncertainty and fear when his Oupa and then again his Ouma-Groot died. Fear and abandonment when he got lost one brief moment at a holiday resort. Loss when his baby sister was born. And we are good, loving and caring parents too. There are no way that one could deny that these experiences must shape his life in some way. It will be shaped uniquely different for him with whatever personality traits he'll bring with him to the experience. We do what we can, we love them as much as we can, we guide them the best we can, but then we have to sit back and let them become who they are suppose to be.
Their victories are mostly there own, their warts have to be too. | | | |
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Random joys of my life
Just another fish in the sea
Maui's girlfriend moved today to a new town. Tangotango reminded him that, that means he can no longer marry her. He replied "Yes, I know. There are many ladies in the world. I will find someone else that will marry me"
Sure he will. After all he's only six.
The price of vanity
I broke a tooth chewing a toffee. I know! How stupid can you get. It's going to cost me $850! I'm going to have to grin and pay. I just can't bear the idea of going without. It is the second incisor. The sad truth is that I would rather go without a breast, than without a tooth. You can hide a breast from the rest of the world.
Just a dream
I put Tangotango's pyjamas on. She said "I don't want to wear those, the pants fall off" and then after a moment or two "Okay, I will try them. Maybe it was just a dream."
A false note
I bought a recorder today with a little instruction booklet to teach yourself. I am totally musically challenged and desperately want my kids to have a bit more musical sense than me. I just can't see that I'm going to be able to figure it out to teach them. It's is total Greek!
Growing up
Tangotango is always yearning to grow up and be an adult. I reminded her that being an adult is not that much fun, that she will have to do a lot of housework. She said she's not going to do it, her husband will. Maui pointed out that her husband will have to work for money, to which she replied "Okay, then one of my children can do it". Dream on little girl! | | | |
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Creating memories
My niece started high school yesterday. It is really intermediate, but it is offered at the college. It is big and scary for her. She is only ten years old. Yesterday afternoon after school, she waited to be picked up.
Some idiotic testosterone overloaded teacher walked passed her and yelled at her because her shirty was hanging over her skirt! They wear uniforms.
"Don't you care how you look... you look scruffy... no respect... yada yada"
She thought her shirt was suppose to hang over?? She cried.
Whoopee Mr Testosterone! You made a ten year old girl cry. How brave and strong you are!
I bet she won't ever forget her first day at college. | | | |
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Sensible learning
One of the messages that we receive througout life, is that learning has to be institutionalised, happening in a school, behind a desk, initiated by authority, and delivered by a professional, to count. We disregard anything outside the school curriculum as not worthy learning.
Some children thrive within the school community. Others don't. School didn't work for me because I'm a visual-spatial learner. Schools are designed for linear sequential thinkers, learners that learn in a step by step fashion. Visual-spatial learners on the other hand learn holistically, they need to see the whole picture, before they can understand the parts, they are aha learners, they are disorganised and they miss details, they don't give much attention to time, the are divergent thinkers.
Visual-spatial learners process information with the right brain, compared to audio-sequential learners who process information with the left brain.
Are you a visual-spatial learner? Here is an exercise to identify yourself as a visual or an audio learner
"Close your eyes and picture a chocolate ice cream cone. Put you finger on the part of your head where you imagine you can see the cone. If you can’t see it, don’t worry. Try to picture something else and put your finger on your head where the picture is. If you can’t picture anything, try to hear the words "chocolate ice cream cone." Now put your finger where you imagine you hear the words. Keep your finger on your head and open your eyes."
"By doing this exercise you will become aware of the visualization and auditory areas of your own brain. Hearing is usually above the left ear, visualization in the middle of the forehead or slightly to the right, and haptic or motor/sensory awareness at the top of the head.
"…these activities make you realize how different brain patterns are. Some people are aware of visualization in the frontal area, some slightly to the right, and others cannot localize the awareness.
"People who can visualize very well usually are processing in the right hemisphere; their comprehension takes place by seeing pictures. They are called visual learners. Those who comprehend by hearing (auditory learners) usually are processing in the left hemisphere. Those who cannot localize their comprehension are usually haptic learners; they learn by experience. I have found these people to be right-hemispheric or to alternate from one side to the other."
I believe schools make an effort these days to accomodate visual learners, but I think they are still far better off at home where they can follow their own interests and passions, and choose their own methods. | | | |
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Scary Mum
I'm a tough Mum. I don't have many rules, I am not controlling, I don't expect blind obedience, I am patient, I am laid back, I let them have a say, but I don't baby them. I didn't baby talk, I talk to them in full sentences like I would to anyone else, I call a spade a spade, and I don't want them crying for every little thing.
Like I said I'm tough. It's not as if I want to be mean and I know they're probably going to spend years in therapy, but being tough is one of my bigger shortcomings when it comes to being a mother.
Many parents baby. They baby-talk, they mollycoddle and they talk down to their kids. I'm not trying to argue good and bad parenting here, simply saying that I don't do it, because I find it annoying.
Today the kids had friends over. Sometimes I think other kids find me a bit scary. Especially the little ones. (I can't really blame them. I know many adults find me scary.)
The little girl, that was here today, is a sweet little thing, but still a bit babyish at almost four. After the kids played outside in the sprinkler, the girls came in to dress. I made some small talk with this little girl, but didn't get much more than a nod out of her. She was sucking her thumb, looking quite lost. Tangotango looked at her and said
"I think K is freaking out"
I had to bite my lip very hard not to laugh "Why do you think she's freaking out?"
"She's freaking out because of you!" | | | |
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