Taranga's Xanga

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 16:09:16 GMT

Loving them, warts and all

Parenting has without a doubt been the most fascinating, challenging, rewarding and at the same time humbling job I've ever taken on. I sometimes get the idea that people think there is one right way to parent. I don't believe that is true. Parenting is such a diverse activity and the objects of parenting are even more so that there could not possibly be one right way.

I believe most of us do the best we can, with the knowledge we own and the skills we have. When I think of how my parents did it thirty years ago, they were probably close to what today is called Attachment Parenting. They were loving, caring, open parents that allowed us to discover ourselves and explore our worlds. We co-slept, self weaned and had very little rigid structures. They did give hidings though - they were far and in between - but it happened.

However when I look back, it is not the hidings that shaped me most, but rather the life experiences that we had no control over. My absolute earliest memory is of staying with my aunt while my brother was sick. He was very ill and spent almost a whole year in hospital. During that time I stayed with various people. I was left with anyone that was willing to take me. The best my mother could do at the time.

The next memory is of my paternal grandfather's funeral. It was one of those with an open coffin. To this day I remember him lying there. That was probably not the wisest decision on my parent's side, but maybe they realised too late that it was open.

The next one is of being left in the car alone when my mother went to buy dog food at some factory. I remember looking out the window, seeing all these people, got so scared that someone will grab me, that I hid behind the back seat on the floor. Again not the wisest decision to leave me in the car, but who know maybe I fell asleep before she got to the factory. Those were different safer time.

Then I remember sitting on one of these brown hospital benches waiting to see my newborn sister. My Dad came out to tell us that we couldn't see her since her lungs didn't open and they were rushing her off to another hospital. She didn't die, but hearing that scared the pants off me. Some times life bites.

Next one is me and my brother getting lost in the drive-in. We went off to play when we got there and when we returned the drive-in was a full house and there was no way we could find our car again. Looking onto these events I can see that I've experienced loss, fear, loneliness, betrayal, abandonment and probably anger in my first five years even though I was blessed to have loving, caring, wonderful parents.

When I look at Maui, I think of what he has experienced in his first three short years. Abandonment, loneliness and fear when he had to stay overnight in hospital. Loss, uncertainty and fear when his Oupa and then again his Ouma-Groot died. Fear and abandonment when he got lost one brief moment at a holiday resort. Loss when his baby sister was born. And we are good, loving and caring parents too. There are no way that one could deny that these experiences must shape his life in some way. It will be shaped uniquely different for him with whatever personality traits he'll bring with him to the experience. We do what we can, we love them as much as we can, we guide them the best we can, but then we have to sit back and let them become who they are suppose to be.

Their victories are mostly there own, their warts have to be too.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 06:57:15 GMT

Random joys of my life

Just another fish in the sea

Maui's girlfriend moved today to a new town. Tangotango reminded him that, that means he can no longer marry her. He replied "Yes, I know. There are many ladies in the world. I will find someone else that will marry me"

Sure he will. After all he's only six.

The price of vanity

I broke a tooth chewing a toffee. I know! How stupid can you get. It's going to cost me $850! I'm going to have to grin and pay. I just can't bear the idea of going without. It is the second incisor. The sad truth is that I would rather go without a breast, than without a tooth. You can hide a breast from the rest of the world.

Just a dream

I put Tangotango's pyjamas on. She said "I don't want to wear those, the pants fall off" and then after a moment or two "Okay, I will try them. Maybe it was just a dream."

A false note

I bought a recorder today with a little instruction booklet to teach yourself. I am totally musically challenged and desperately want my kids to have a bit more musical sense than me. I just can't see that I'm going to be able to figure it out to teach them. It's is total Greek!

Growing up

Tangotango is always yearning to grow up and be an adult. I reminded her that being an adult is not that much fun, that she will have to do a lot of housework. She said she's not going to do it, her husband will. Maui pointed out that her husband will have to work for money, to which she replied "Okay, then one of my children can do it". Dream on little girl!

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Tue, 27 Jan 2004 05:14:02 GMT

Creating memories

My niece started high school yesterday. It is really intermediate, but it is offered at the college. It is big and scary for her. She is only ten years old. Yesterday afternoon after school, she waited to be picked up.

Some idiotic testosterone overloaded teacher walked passed her and yelled at her because her shirty was hanging over her skirt! They wear uniforms.

"Don't you care how you look... you look scruffy... no respect... yada yada"

She thought her shirt was suppose to hang over?? She cried.

Whoopee Mr Testosterone! You made a ten year old girl cry. How brave and strong you are!

I bet she won't ever forget her first day at college.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Sun, 25 Jan 2004 22:37:35 GMT

Sensible learning

One of the messages that we receive througout life, is that learning has to be institutionalised, happening in a school, behind a desk, initiated by authority, and delivered by a professional, to count. We disregard anything outside the school curriculum as not worthy learning.

Some children thrive within the school community. Others don't. School didn't work for me because I'm a visual-spatial learner. Schools are designed for linear sequential thinkers, learners that learn in a step by step fashion. Visual-spatial learners on the other hand learn holistically, they need to see the whole picture, before they can understand the parts, they are aha learners, they are disorganised and they miss details, they don't give much attention to time, the are divergent thinkers.

Visual-spatial learners process information with the right brain, compared to audio-sequential learners who process information with the left brain.

Are you a visual-spatial learner? Here is an exercise to identify yourself as a visual or an audio learner

"Close your eyes and picture a chocolate ice cream cone. Put you finger on the part of your head where you imagine you can see the cone. If you can’t see it, don’t worry. Try to picture something else and put your finger on your head where the picture is. If you can’t picture anything, try to hear the words "chocolate ice cream cone." Now put your finger where you imagine you hear the words. Keep your finger on your head and open your eyes."

"By doing this exercise you will become aware of the visualization and auditory areas of your own brain. Hearing is usually above the left ear, visualization in the middle of the forehead or slightly to the right, and haptic or motor/sensory awareness at the top of the head.

"…these activities make you realize how different brain patterns are. Some people are aware of visualization in the frontal area, some slightly to the right, and others cannot localize the awareness.

"People who can visualize very well usually are processing in the right hemisphere; their comprehension takes place by seeing pictures. They are called visual learners. Those who comprehend by hearing (auditory learners) usually are processing in the left hemisphere. Those who cannot localize their comprehension are usually haptic learners; they learn by experience. I have found these people to be right-hemispheric or to alternate from one side to the other."

I believe schools make an effort these days to accomodate visual learners, but I think they are still far better off at home where they can follow their own interests and passions, and choose their own methods.

Friday, January 23, 2004

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 00:08:29 GMT

Scary Mum

I'm a tough Mum. I don't have many rules, I am not controlling, I don't expect blind obedience, I am patient, I am laid back, I let them have a say, but I don't baby them. I didn't baby talk, I talk to them in full sentences like I would to anyone else, I call a spade a spade, and I don't want them crying for every little thing.

Like I said I'm tough. It's not as if I want to be mean and I know they're probably going to spend years in therapy, but being tough is one of my bigger shortcomings when it comes to being a mother.

Many parents baby. They baby-talk, they mollycoddle and they talk down to their kids. I'm not trying to argue good and bad parenting here, simply saying that I don't do it, because I find it annoying.

Today the kids had friends over. Sometimes I think other kids find me a bit scary. Especially the little ones. (I can't really blame them. I know many adults find me scary.)

The little girl, that was here today, is a sweet little thing, but still a bit babyish at almost four. After the kids played outside in the sprinkler, the girls came in to dress. I made some small talk with this little girl, but didn't get much more than a nod out of her. She was sucking her thumb, looking quite lost. Tangotango looked at her and said

"I think K is freaking out"

I had to bite my lip very hard not to laugh "Why do you think she's freaking out?"

"She's freaking out because of you!"

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 04:40:06 GMT

Moments of angst

Tangotango got lost in a shopping centre yesterday. We were in a food hall when she wanted to go to the bathroom. Maui waited at the table. When we returned she wanted me to go round one way and her go the other way. She loves playing this little game of independence.

I went the other way around and on the way picked up something for myself to eat and went back to the table to discover that she was not there! Instant panic. Within a few seconds I've played all the different scenarios in my head.

I started looking for her, but she was nowhere to be seen. I listened for her, because my girl is blessed with a very vocal cry, but no sound of her. I walked round the food hall to where we started and there she was! Dry eyed and looking. Not a tear in sight, just a very worried little face. The relief was great, for both of us.

I was very proud with how calm she stayed and told her so. She said she was just going to cry, but then I found her!

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Wed, 21 Jan 2004 14:47:42 GMT

Messages for life

I've recently realised just how important the messages are we receive through our childhood, however benign they are.

Two very benign messages I received from my father are that dishwashers are rubbish and air-conditioners in cars are a waste of money.

His sister got a dishwasher somewhere in the seventies, and apparently this thing clogged up with even the smallest piece of rice. So Dear Dad declared them rubbish. And of course living in South Africa, where most people had cleaners, dishwashers weren't a standard appliance in the majority of houses.

I'm not sure where his gripe with air-conditioners started, but his main argument was that air-conditioners increase the petrol consumption. I'm sure this must be true, but I wonder just how marginally that might be? Living in Africa everyone really needs an air-conditioner in the car.

I've probably heard him repeat these messages maybe a handful each, and yet they stuck. So much so that when I redid my kitchen thirty years later and my dear spouse did not want to put a dishwasher in (because he's a greenie), I didn't put up much of a fight. Simply because somewhere in the back of my head I can remember Dad said they're rubbish anyway. I can kick myself now.

Same thing with air-conditioners. My last car that I bought brand new in South Africa, had no air-conditioner. Because Dad said they are a waste of money. Again it took me thirty odd years and to buy a car with an air-conditioner already installed to realise what a blessing they can be. Especially on the long hot days when the kids start whining "I'm hot..." But still every time I turn it on, I think about Dad.

Now imagine if these benign messages that have only been repeated a handful times have left such an impact, how much stronger impact would constant messages of abuse, racism and sexism have.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Tue, 20 Jan 2004 14:25:22 GMT

I am a believer

Yesterday Maui wanted to know if fairies were true. I think he knows the answer, but he really likes them to be real. I reminded him that Peter Pan said "Everytime somebody says I don't believe in fairies, a fairy dies somewhere". We started chanting Peter Pan's

I do believe in Fairies! I do believe in Fairies! I do believe in Fairies! I do believe in Fairies! I do! I do! I do! I do!

(What a wonderful movie it is!)

Later, while I was in the bathroom I heard Maui and Tangotango talking. Maui said:

"Taranga really believes in Fairies", to which she replied

"I know..."

Not sure if they are pleased or worried.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Mon, 19 Jan 2004 06:32:46 GMT

The bizarre world of Christian spankers

We've been debating smacking on an email list that I belong to for South Africans immigrating to New Zealand. I have been shocked by the strong pro-smacking attitudes on the list. I shouldn't have. After all according to the New Zealand survey, 70% of parents are pro-smacking and South Africans are far more conservative in their thinking.

Sadly they defend their right to smack with the Bible. The Bible says children are born into sin and their parents should smack it the hell out of them. Or something in that line.

Gosh I know, I'm the sensitive kind, but I find these attitudes more than just a bit scary. What scare me most about all of this, is that they follow the Bible so blindly or at least what they believe the Bible tell them. I asked for some reasons why they feel smacking is good way to discipline and I've been pointed to a load of links. I browsed them quickly. I don't really have the time or energy to spend on something that I stronly disagree with.

But in my quick browse, I noticed that all of them were based on Christian principles. It is your God given duty to discipline your children in love and smack them to obedience. It is really hard to understand how love and hurting people can be connected. The other strong refrain is never, never smack in anger, which is really scary. I mean I can still understand the quick smack in anger, but the calculated let us wait a while, let me tell you why I'm going to hurt you and then you tell me why I'm going to hurt you, and then you go and find the object that I will use to hurt you, and then I hurt you, wait a minute and hurt you again, and then I hug you and tell you I love you and expect you to feel open and loving to accept my love, is just damn insane if you ask me. That is not love, that is tyranny.

This is my personal favourite. Spare-damn-rods. The name should already give you a clue, right? On this sight, we have Joey, who was told by God to help America to smack their children into obedience. He will send you a free paddle if you live in America for a mere $5.95. Thank goodness I don't! Joey gives you some essential advise regarding how to go about your spanking session and exactly how many swats each sin deserves, of which disrespect is the mildest and smoking one of the worst. Strangely Joey doesn't mention the big sin of sex. Either Joey must think sex is not that bad or poor kids that have been swatted all their life, don't care for sex. Joey is a responsible guy, he recommends no more than five swats a day!

Many of these spankers suggests that spanking is not really effective for children over the age of six. I find that bit of information really interesting, since children only really become annoying when they hit the sixes. But then again, maybe that doesn't happen to kids who have had their spirit beaten out fo them.

The rest of the links include a scientific study to prove that spanking gets the best results. Geez! What are they thinking? Everyone with half a brain knows you can manipulate anything to prove your hypothesis if you really want the results bad enough.

Then there is the Board Certified Psychiatrist who says It is absolute nonsense to suggest that parents using a loving approach, using logic, and having some education and common sense on when and how to spank children can, in anyway, harm the child and because he is a Board Certified Psychiatrist, we can and we should believe him. Our Board Certified Psychiatrist with his website at Geocities, think that it is far easier to control girls and that the spanking issue should most often affect boy children between about 4 and 12.

And last but not least, there is the very insane Sister Sharon who made it her business to analyze other people's humiliations.

Spankers are very responsible people. How to spank safely seems to be a very popular topic among spankers. They have very definite guidelines. Position, object, bare bottom or covered bottom. It really is a science with these people. One have to wonder about people putting so much thought into hurting people much smaller than themselves.

The rest of the links include more and more spankers with no other credentials than being spankers, arguing their rights to spank and that the idea that spanking hurts is absolute nonsense. None of them however, explain or even try to explain their need to spank, what positives spanking leads to, and why they would not use one of many other discipline suggestions.

Most of these links are so bizarre that you have to wonder if these people can possibly be for real? Surely they just have a very black sense of humour. They must be taking the piss. I sincerely hope so, because it is too damn scary to think that people like this can be out there for real.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Sun, 18 Jan 2004 13:55:29 GMT

Imagine

Yesterday Maui wanted to make little rivers to each plant. You didn't want him to. He got angry and threw stones at you. You got angry and sent him to his room. He got angry and refused. You got angrier and felt like smacking him. He got angrier and ran away. You got angrier and tried to restrict him. You tripped over him and he fell down. He got hurt.

Imagine it has gone different. Imagine he said he wanted to make little rivers and you said you really didn't want little rivers in your garden, but he can make a garden of his own where he can make little rivers. A garden that you will help him make. Imagine you and him walked through the garden to find a spot where he can make his garden. Imagine the two of you went inside to get pen and paper and a tape measure to measure his garden and plan for it. Imagine you and him designed it together. Imagine you let his imagination run wild and allow him his extraordinary ideas. Imagine you talked about the kind of plants that he could plant in his garden. How some plants need shade, where others need full sun. That some plants needed lots of water, while others like to stay drier. Imagine you went on a search through the garden to find plants that could be planted in his garden. Imagine you went to the beach together to find pebbles to put in his garden. Imagined you dug his garden together, planted the plants together, and enjoyed his creation together. It could have been so different.

Or imagine you didn't have the time or the energy. Instead you just let him be. Knowing that it is only gravel rivers and it could be flattened with your foot, once he has lost interest. Imagine you watched him building rivers, connecting each plant with each other. Imagine you watched the delight on his face when the water ran from one river to the next. Imagine you watched him building walls to stop the water from running away. Imagine you watched him thinking out elaborate plans to get the water to the rivers where it didn't seem to want to go. Imagine you watched him enjoying getting dirty like only a young boy can.

After all we're here to grow a boy, not a garden.