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Teenagefbi
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Name: Caroline
Country: United States
State: Texas
Metro: College Station
Birthday: 9/11/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: Climbing on buildings, ice skating, building forts, gospel music, a good chai latte, speaking in haiku, and sitting around and thinking... in Spanish
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/9/2002
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| an invitationAlan is right--I need to write about Kiki. I've told his story so many
times, so I don't really know why this has been so difficult. I'm just
afraid that putting it down into words means that this story is
over--and I am not ready for this story to be over. It is dynamic and
breathing and moving and living in me. I'm afraid to write it down and
get it wrong. I'm afriad that it will seem like one incident, stagnant
water.
It isn't.
But like I said, Alan is right. I need to write about it (so that Kiki will always stay with me; living, breathing, moving).
You don't mean to have favorites when you work with kids, but
inevitably, I do. Kiki is my favorite, but Kiki is always angry.
Somedays I feel lost in his anger and at a loss as to what to do. When
Kiki gets really angry, it's is like he isn't Kiki anymore. Kiki
vacates; I am left to deal with Kiki's empty body.
I always wonder where the rest of Kiki goes when he gets angry.
The first time I saw Kiki leave himself was my beginning week at the center.
Well, I feel like I should tell you my first time meeting Kiki before I get to that.
The first time I spoke to Kiki, it was to send him to the
supervisor's office for throwing a punch on the playground. It was my
second day on the job, and the first time I had had to discipline one
of my kids.
In my supervisor's office, Kiki was asked to tell the truth about what had happened.
"I might have punched Keshawn," Kiki said in a sly and manipulative tone.
"You might have, or you did?" Lance, my supervisor, asked.
"I might have," Kiki repeated.
I pressed my lips together to suppress my laughter.
After speaking to Mr. Lance, the center supervisor, Kiki had to
apologize to me and promise to respect me, the other kids, and himself
to avoid suspension. This was his last chance.
The next day was the first time I saw Kiki become angry.
All day he had tried to be good.
When one of my seven year olds tried to be good, you can see it all
over their faces. They become the Enforcer of Lincoln Center Rules and
Regulations and are fully offended if any other child breaks one of the
Rules.
Kiki was like this on this day. If there were more than four kids at
the foosball table, he would stare down the fifth until they had a
seat. If someone was talking in line or calling another kid a name,
they would be sure to get an earful from Kiki.
But on this day, Kiki brought a marble to the center. And Kiki didn't have any pockets for this marble.
(Marbles without pockets to place them in become a great temptation for seven year old boys.)
In gym on this day, Kiki decided to throw the marble at the other
boys and girls. Trying to stop this before it could get out of hand, I
offered a deal to Kiki. I would hold the marble until the end of the
day so he wouldn't get in trouble.
"But you are going to forget, Miss Caroline! And then I won't have my marble!"
"Kiki, if I forget to give you back your marble by the end of the day, then I will owe you candy tomorrow."
The only thing more appealing than a marble to a seven year old is the prospect of a marble and candy.
Kiki was content for about fifteen minutes while we were in the
gym, but he soon realized that I wasn't going to forget to give him his
marble, and that meant he wouldn't get candy. This upset Kiki.
This was the first sign of Kiki's anger.
He spun around in circles and yelled at me to return his marble.
I declined and reminded him of our deal.
He tried to run out of the gym and yelled.
He tried to hit and push me to knock the marble out of my hand.
I placed him on the gym wall until he could calm down.
(A note on discipline: When a child breaks the rules, we take them
out of the play time and place them on a wall. Essentially, it's a "sit
here and think about what you did" sort of tactic. At the end of their
time [which usually runs no longer than three minutes], I come and talk
to them. We talk about choices and what choice they made that led them
to the wall. We talk about what we could do in the future to avoid
being put on the wall, and we apologize to any other student who was
affected by their actions.)
On this certain day, as if fate had ordained it, another staff
member was giving out "Star Student" necklaces to those boys and girls
who had managed to stay off of the wall all day.
After we left the gym, we finished out our day on the playground. Kiki
had calmed down at seemingly forgotten the incident in the gym. When it
was time to hand out Star Student necklaces, Kiki approached me.
"I've been good today, Miss Caroline."
"Yes Kiki, you've done really well today. You were so quiet in the
line and helped the other boys and girls remember what to do in the
gameroom. Great job, Kiki."
"Can I have my Star Student necklace now?"
As much as I wanted to give him one, I knew I couldn't.
"Sweetheart, you earn a Star Student necklace by not going to the
wall all day. But tomorrow, I'm sure that you will try hard and choose
to earn a necklace. I know you can do this tomorrow, Kiki."
This was the first time I saw Kiki leave himself.
I watched him shut down in front of me, eyes glazed over.
He ran to the corner of the building just beyond my sight.
I wanted to leave Kiki alone to calm down, but I also couldn't let
him run to a place where I couldn't see him. I followed after Kiki only
to see him standing with his face against the brick of the building,
motionless, expressionless.
"Kiki, honey, I need you to come back to the other side of the
building where I can see you. You can be by yourself if you want, but
we can't be on this side of the building."
He made a guttural noise and no sign of movement.
I would take a few steps closer, and he would slink away without
looking at me. I finally was able to touch him, grab hold of him. He
flinched.
"Sweetie, really, we need to move to the other side of the building."
I finally had to physically move him to a basketball court within
view of the other children. He sat cross legged in the middle of the
court, staring blankly forward.
I am doing all I can to reaffirm, reaffirm, reaffirm.
Kiki, you really have done a great job today,
Kiki, I think you are a wonderful kid,
Kiki, I know that you can stay off of the wall tomorrow,
Kiki, don't you want to come back to the playground?
Kiki, I really am so proud of you,
Kiki, Kiki, Kiki.
I could almost visibly see my words bouncing off. It is a strange
thing to know that you can be one inch away from someone and realize
that they can't hear you.
I wonder where the rest of Kiki goes when he is angry.
But the part of Kiki I want to stay with me isn't Kiki when he's
angry. It is who he is when he is fully present and alive. It is who he
is and who he is becoming and who he has become.
Somedays, Kiki decides that he really likes Miss Caroline. These
are my favorite days. When I walk in at one, his face lights up and he
will push any kid down to be the first to give me a hug. These are good
days.
On one of these days, his brother DeDe (say this: Day-Day) came with him.
Being brothers, there is some undeniable tension between the two.
On the playground one day, Kiki and Dede started out playing together
and ended up wrestling in the grass. I ran across the playground and
quickly broke it up before it escalated into a full-fledged fight.
I sent both boys to the wall to calm down. Kiki looked obviously ashamed.
He had been having such a good day, and he knew that he had blown it.
After letting them cool off and spend some time thinking, I approached Kiki.
"Kiki, are you ready to talk about what happened or do you need to be alone a little while longer?"
"I'm ready, Miss Caroline."
"Sweetie, can you tell me why you are on the wall?"
Kiki stopped and looked at the ground.
"I'm on the wall because I fought with my brother and I'm not supposed to ever fight with anyone."
"That's right, Kiki. And how do you think we should fix this?"
Kiki looked away from the ground and into my eyes.
"Miss Caroline, I don't know! I try to be good and then something
happens and I'm bad again. I'm just a bad kid, Miss Caroline! I don't
want to be a bad kid, I want to make you proud and be a good kid. But
I'm just a bad kid, no matter how hard I try not to be one."
My heart broke.
"Kiki, sweetheart, you are not a bad kid. You are a good kid, a great kid."
"Then why do I act so bad? I must be a bad kid for acting so bad."
"Honey, we all make mistakes. You are a wonderful kid, but
sometimes you make mistakes. You know what, Kiki? Even Miss Caroline
makes mistakes sometimes."
His eyes widened.
"It's true, Kiki. Even I mess up and make mistakes. But what
matters is that I try to make good choices. You just need to choose to
act like the good kid you already are, Kiki."
"I just want you to like me, Miss Caroline, but I mess up to much.
I'm always in trouble. You won't ever like me since I'm always in
trouble."
"Sweetheart, I do more than just like you. I love you. And I'm
going to let you know a special secret: There isn't anything you could
ever do to make me love you less."
Without another word, Kiki burst into tears.
I wondered if I had crossed the line or scared him or made him feel worse."
"Do you need to be alone for a little bit, Kiki?"
He nodded.
A few minutes later, I went back to check on him.
"What are you doing, Kiki?"
"I'm thinking about what you said, Miss Caroline."
For as long as I live, those words will forever be engraved on the
tablets of my heart. Even now, I can hear him saying them. I can see
his downturned face. I notice his hands tucked behind his back as his
kicks the ground with his left foot.
"What are you thinking about, Kiki?"
"There really isn't anything I could do to make you love me less, Miss Caroline?"
"Not one thing, Kiki."
"Do you really mean that?"
"Yes, Kiki. I really do."
"Miss Caroline, can I tell you something?"
He raised his almond brown eyes to mine.
"That makes me want to be good."
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| truth & beauty
sometimes i am amazed at my incredible capacity to not get things. (the entire spanish language is included in this statement.)
summing
it all up, friends, i'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and
meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling,
gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things
to praise, not things to curse.
i've been doing my best
lately to my a conscious effort to "fill my mind" with these things,
and i must admit--i have always been squeemish when it comes to this
verse.
now, before i explain why i just don't get it, let me explain some of the factors leading up to my just not getting it:
i
feel like in the formative years in my life, this verse was always used
in a seemingly inverse fashion. thus, instead of hearing that i should
fill my mind with truth and beauty, i would hear that i should stay
away from things that are not true, authentic, compelling, and the
rest. and what this usually meant for my 13-17 year old self was that i
probably shouldn't watch r-rated movies or listen to secular music.
now,
i've been known to watch an r-rated movie or two, and with the exception of a
philippians 4:8 secular music hiatus during my holy high school years,
i love all kinds of music. it makes sense, then, that this verse often
gave me a headache.
i was listening to a gregg matte sermon the
other day and he was talking about ezra opening the scroll before all
of the israelites. he mentioned that when they read about the festival
of booths, a god-commanded party, they immediately begane to prepare to
have their own so as to follow the law.
gregg pointed out the obvious and interesting: god commanded a party.
in
this context i had my lightbulb moment concerning philippians 4:8 that
is a long time coming: god wants me to think about good stuff. and good
stuff is, by definition, good. and that should be exciting to me.
i
mean, think about it. the verse compels me to think about beautiful and
wonderful and genuine things. what part of this is a burden?
maybe
i am the only person who has ever struggled with this verse, and if so,
that's fine. but i must say, there is a newfound feeling of excitement
and freedom within me lately.
thinking about truth and beauty? not such a bad commandment to keep. | | |
| redeemed, redeemedi am completely overwhelmed.
not in a bad way. rather, in the kind of way you feel when approaching something beautiful or immense for the first time and are simply awestruck at how incredibly small you seem.
like, sometimes when the clouds are just right and there are few trees, it is possible to get a good glimpse of how spherically massive this globe is.
that's how i feel. overwhelmed.
i am so thankful, thankful for the relationships in my life.
i cannot believe how amazing the people are around me. i am so impressed with them and encouraged by them and sharpened by their presence and words and lifestyle and opinions.
i am overwhelmed by the fact that through the blood of christ i am not only put into a right relationship with him, but also with others. i can know and show love because of this divine redemptive act.
the cross changes everything.
and i am overwhelmed.
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| thinking about:community
"if you are wondering why 'spirituality' isn't working, but you're not part of a small group of people who love god with you, you are missing a huge piece of what god has done. his grace didn't just buy a bunch of individuals, it bought a family." --ben stuart
(i get frustrated with college students [and high school students, and grown ups, and and and] who feel they can follow jesus outside of community. we were not made to live this life alone. get plugged into a community of christians actively seeking after christ.)
the power of words
(see: rob bell, leaving ignorance for awareness, 3.4.07)
how much kyle lake's thinking on evangelism has influenced mine
(seriously. there are some things that can just make your heart sing in validation. the point that i find the most poignant: we first make people feel like they belong, then present the gospel. not the other way around [because the other way around seems a bit exclusive and clublike, yes?].)
judaism
(as christians, we have a beautiful legacy of longing after the father. this is our collective history, our roots.)
my new favorite church sign
("don't retire in fire")
pet peeves include: people who get very zealous about public opportunities to serve (either christ or man), but fail to live the life in private (or when it doesn't necessarily serve them). and typing LiKe ThIs.
going to new orleans tomorrow
(hopefully to take lots of pictures, some of decent quality. i want to read a lot and soak up the conversation and deep history and strength of the city.)
you know, it's good to be home.
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| what a command.rejoice in the lord always. i will say it again: rejoice!
let your gentleness be evident to all. the lord is near.
do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to god.
and the peace of god, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in christ jesus. finally,
brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything
is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
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