| SummerI'm in Grand Rapids all summer -- I'll be spending my summer working at Discussions, playing EverQuest II, chilling with my peeps and programming.
I'm working on a video game about a guy who lost his hat. True story. It's an action/beat 'em up/sidescroller. Think Smash Bros meets Streets of Rage/Golden Axe. Promotional materials soon to follow.
If you're downtown today (Friday, May '02) feel free to visit me at work. I'm working tonight from 6pm till close (1 am).
End transmission.
|
| |
| (The song I'm "currently listening to")
Every time I listen to Days Without Rain I want to smoke a cigarette. I'm not much of a smoker, in fact I rarely do it, but certain songs or moods instill in me a feeling that wants to mingle with the lit tip of a cig. Still, I rarely indulge this, but when I do smoke nowadays it's been consistently to this song.
The song also tends to make me introspective, and this time upon listening to it my mind began tracing the trail of some recent but mostly latent feelings -- specifically dealing with the romantic aspect of my life. In high school I used to date -- a ton. But my standards were also considerably lower as far as personality goes. I wasn't looking for a relationship, in fact I avoided them, just an interesting way to pass the time. Meeting people nurtured that interest. Now I want something more, not necessarily a relationship, but I'm not sure if I can enjoy myself dating dead-ends like before.
Aside from complicated feelings for various people the thing upsetting me most at the moment is that I've met someone who I really have sincere interest in and who fulfills everything that I'm looking for except for one criterion: he's not gay. Aside from his sexuality, even if it were any different, would it mean he'd like me? I'm not particularly attractive. I'm fine with this and am not making a journal entry just because I'm way into someone who isn't even remotely interested in me. The reason I'm writing this is because of the thought that occurs after that feeling of longing for this certain someone: I feel selfish.
While I worry about looks and sexuality I can't help but think of the millions of people who live in well-developed countries who are ugly, disabled, an unpopular minority, living in some secluded area, etc -- many people who will likely go through their lives never being intensely loved in the romantic sense. And besides that there are the people who have abrasive personalities or even mental disorders that inhibit their ability to attract mates. Beyond even those millions of people -- exponentially more will never get the chance to experience our love paradigm due to famine, disease, or civil conflict. This isn't meant as a guilt trip on myself or anyone; we're not all supposed to sit down and stop living just because the majority of people were dealt a shitty hand. But in all my contemplations about yearning for love and more importantly to be loved there's that consistent thought of "someday I'll find the right person" as if somehow I'm privileged to such a thing. So the obvious question occurs: what makes me more deserving of love than any of those people?
But I can't think too long of the world on a macro scale because I just end up feeling insignificant. So my mind goes back to the micro issues: the guy who's straight but otherwise exactly what I want in someone. Still, in the back of my mind, I know I'm being selfish.
|
| |
| Why is it that the people who insist that you trust them despite your past experiences the ones who let you down?
I'm not depressed or anything. Just amazed that I'm so trusting sometimes. I really only post on xanga when I'm upset -- I'm never happy and suddenly inspired to write on xanga. When I'm happy I'm usually playing computer games anyway.
|
| |
| It's not so much about being lonely as it is about being alone.
|
| |
