Im finally done.

Off house arrest and free to go about and mingle once again.

feels good, but still lots of bullshit to put up with

let me know if anyone wants to chill

Someday

i will have a house, with my own stuff in it

someday

i will have a wife that loves

someday i will have children, and i will run around and play with them

someday i will have a dog and i will name him champ

someday i will look back at all these years and wonder what exactly was going thru my head, but i still wont know, not in a million days

someday i will have a balance in my life....the pain in my heart will have scared over, the emptiness in my head will be filled with goals and objectives, and my soul will be happy

someday i will stand ontop mountains
someday i will swim in tropical waters
someday i will catch falling stars and but them in glass jars

Someday i will have it all

but until then.......

my story so far

i was born october 25th 1986....my mom put me up for adoption, she was 17, i was adopted by my new family at the age of 6 months, and started my new happy life with two loving parents , i started school....i made freinds....it was good

when i was 8 they adopted my little brother, he was white like them, but it didnt really matter much to me, i was half white anyway, though kids constantly asked me if i was chinese or mexican or some-such thing, at the time i considered myself a fully white kid....confusing

my mom is diagnosed with ovarian cancer....she slowly looses health of body and mind, and it strains the family.....but eventually overcomes the cancer after a year of chemotherapy

i hit puberty, got my first girlfreind, her name was jeanette, and she was awsome, first kiss, all that crap....

my dad looses his toes due to health problems(complicated) and is confined to a wheelchair

we move out of our house and move in with my grandparents.....tensions run high

i watch my grandfather slowly wither away with lung cancer.....eventually he is sent to the hospital for an operation that goes horribly wroong......i am the last visitor at his deathbed 10 minutes before he dies.....i carry the memory that he was waiting to see me before he left

my family moves to abington....im a new kid and i dont like it....i am teased and get into fights, but eventually meet freinds....freinds who are now as much my family as my mom and brother are...and my father was

april tenth 2002, i am walking home from school, and as i get to my front dootstep i realize i am locked out, which is unusual because my dad is always home.... i look around and see that the car is still in the driveway, but it seems my idiot dad fell asleep at the wheel.....what a dueschbag, i think to myself

i start laughing as i knock on the window, raining insults down on him....no response......i start to get worried so i open the door and turn his head towards me to find he had blood and vomit running down his mouth, i try my best to revive him but it doesnt seem to matter.....the ambulance comes and he is prounouced dead on sight.....i was complety alone, mom was at work, jons still at school

i attempted to slice my wrists with my dads power tools but a neighbor stops me.....i run to my aunt and uncles house to inform them whats going on

the next few years are a blur or booze, sex and drugs......i drowned my sorrows the best way i could, by numbing myself with excesses of partying....if you were laughing you could forget that you wanted to cry.......all the time

i got into some trouble with the police, which scared my mom, i virtually stopped giving a shit about school and my life and anything besides the next high, the next party and the next cute girl

there was ONE person who was my horizon, she was the one thing in my life that seemed pure and good and made me feel like life was not just a horrible pointless pain filled tub of misery.....and i contribute her kindness to me in that period of time to my sanity just as much as my freinds and family....

i graduate highschool barely, and wonder, well what the fuck is next......bounce around some pointless jobs, go to school, but best of all, the love of my life finally comes around.....

only to smash my world around me all over again

since then i have worked a bunch of dead end jobs.....dropped out of community college twice, got kicked out of my dads old trade school......and gotten 2 dui's

i am on my way to jail, tho relativly short, still, jail is jail

after this i have house arrest for 80, no cars for 18 months, and probation for 2 years, tho if im a good boy i can cut it down to 1

my life is all question marks, my prospects dont look so good, and i feel such a wieght of dissapointment and depression on my soul that i am almost drowned

i wont have time to write for a while....infact not until july, i get locked up in about 4 days

i have nothing much to say in ways of wisdom, no witty comments, no sage advice, not even really a joke or two

i just know that even though it sucks, it can ALWAYS get worse and if it couldnt that would mean i was dead, which fortunatly im not, so all i can do is deal with the cards im being dealt, realize my mistakes, try to learn from them, and keep moving forward

and try not to take it in the butt

R.I.P Dad

help me out on this one big guy

Hallelujah my freinds

the time has come again

for this old man to wag his tongue on and on evermore

Its a dark rainy night as I cry out for a light that has ever so gracefully destroyed me
Its a dreary lonely time, and by God it's all mine as i sit in the dark and Let it Be

Hallelujah, Let it Be, this time fate has come for me and deemed me unworthy of his halls
Hallelujah, Let it Be for the time I spent in misery trapped up inside my minds lonely walls

Im cast into the thunderstorm and though i rage, inside i mourn, for the time of making choices is come and gone
Left behind, the ship has sailed, my time is up, hope has not prevailed, and all i can really say is

Hallelujah

So I'll take these bad days, mix them with the good

The rest it seems are understood

To be just days that wait to be forgotten

Ive had my share of ups and downs

But while im waiting for my victory rounds

Ill stare at the devils gate and walk right on in

whats left to say.......

fart

I dont have much to say

With every entry i have ever written, i beleive ive tried to convey a sense of who i am and how i live, what i think

it is half a journal and half a cry for attention.....though nearly nobody reads it, and i think i like it that way

if i never get to finishing my book i hope someday someone will stumble across these digital pages of my life and it will touch them in some way, but i doubt it

i leave for jail on the 14th.....house arrest follows shortly after, then its all just waiting to get back on my feet....

just about everything that was a constant in my life is gone, ive had a radical change in my life, not for the better, and im coping the best way i can, without binge drinking and pot smoking as an option anymore......

i remember when my greatest worries were finding the best party for the weekend and what girl i was interested in at the time

god how i miss it, 21 is far too young to be yearning a time machine

these times, they are a-changing